A reflection by student staff member, Sydney, about her experiences with body image, working out, and how these things connect with her feminism and self love.

Trigger Warning: This blog deals with body image, body dysmorphia, and unhealthy eating practices. Please use self-care.

We live in a day where thick (curvy, slim-thick) is in but what this really means is women with thick thighs/large butts/ big boobs and a TINY waist. One thing thick still doesn’t seem to mean is fat. The media, men, and other women are still always critical of unwanted fat/cellulite/stretch marks and ways to get rid of them… especially in a time where “Fitspo”  has become popular. Let me start off by saying I’m a feminist who believes in radical self love… I’m also a feminist who has a love-hate relationship with working out. I grew up being a year round competitive athlete, basketball, cross country, track, soccer (you name it!), so any time outside of school was spent in gyms or outside practicing skills. I never thought about my body much as an athlete- let me rephrase that… I never thought about the good my body was doing when I was an athlete. I knew I was strong but I thought it was because I was large. “I’m bigger than my friends therefore I have to be stronger than my friends”. Was I actually bigger than my friends though? The photos say no. It never occurred to me that my perception of my body was completely warped. I saw myself as overweight, much bigger than my friends, and was constantly aware of what I was wearing and how people perceived me. And as a young girl who was in Catholic School (Catholic guilt is the real deal), didn’t know much about feminism , and had a mother with body image issues, I was stuck in the perfect storm. My body was always at the front of my mind. I binge ate, starved at some points (why did I throw away so many lunches when I LOVE food?), and was just overall unaware of how toxic my mentality was.

When I graduated high school, I stopped playing sports and focused on school. I turned to feminism and activism to help me understand myself and the world, and I still worked out pretty regularly… I also gained 40 pounds. But guess what else happened? I learned to love my body. Now don’t get me wrong, I still look at my stretchmarks or fat rolls and sometimes feel like a “lazy loser” but I also know that my body does amazing things just to keep me alive, that I am strong, and that all bodies are good bodies. Here’s an important disclaimer though- I’m overweight, my doctors bring it up, my friends notice it, my parents comment on it, and guys tend to tell me “I love bigger women” but overall I’m still seen as “normal” by society. I can still find clothes in most stores, my fat is distributed pretty equally over my body, and I can still move throughout space with ease. I realize that due to this I experience both thin privilege and fat shame at different times. I have come to understand that my experience is a privilege because I CAN find a break from the constant judging in certain spaces.

Like I said, I still like to workout. I like the discipline of it that I learned through sports, and I think I always will. There are major benefits to working out. I like to go into the gym and lift weights or kickbox or do something that makes my muscles scream afterwards. For me, this is a form of radical self love, but it isn’t for everyone, and moreso this love can turn to hate really easily. I workout to feel strong, not skinny, but those two are easy to conflate and I often find myself walking the fine line, and falling on the toxic side if I’m not careful. What is supposed to be about strength and love can turn into weight and fat in the blink of an eye, and it is a constant game of checks and balances (going to the gym…but not twice a day… appreciating my body…but not weighing myself) to make sure I don’t go there. So just as much as I workout to get in a good mental space, I also often have to stop working out to remain in that good space. Even when doing this, I constantly struggle with the guilt over not working out or the guilt of working out for the wrong reasons. Let me just say this- deciding to love your body does not mean your body issues disappear.

I found Bikram Yoga to be a very healthy way to workout and feel strong- I was feeling confident and in touch with my body while not worrying about weight. The problem- Bikram Yoga as well as fitness classes are EXPENSIVE (I’m talking over $100 a month here), which leads me to my next point. Fitness is a feminist issue AND an intersectional one. Some women don’t want to workout to feel self love. Some do and can’t afford it, and some aren’t represented in the fitness world at all. Sidenote, if you hate running, don’t do it! Hate the gym? Don’t go! What works for some and what some see as self love isn’t for all and it would be pretty antifeminist to try and insist it does.

We know poor women are more likely to be overweight and that curvy figures are more accepted by women of color, but what does this mean for women who want to workout or engage in health related activities but don’t have the funds or don’t see themselves represented? If you search “fit woman” on the internet what do you get? White women. White women with muscles. White women with no body fat. Now that, in itself, is an issue, but add in that these women are all able bodied (Inspiration Porn is real too yall, don’t even get me started), they are feminine, and they have all the trendy gear and equipment they need.

Let’s be real here, I haven’t worked out in months. I’m a grad student taking a full course load and working two jobs- when that’s done, I just want to go to bed. I still miss it… specifically lifting… but right now self care means something different. I also still feel guilty about it- especially when my clothes don’t fit or I’m “feeling fat”, but I’ve also been better about putting things in perspective and keeping a healthy mindset. I don’t have all the answers here. Fitness and feminism is a hard issue and not everyone has a healthy relationship with working out, (like I said, sometimes I don’t either) but I needed a space to discuss the fact that this is a conflicting issue with me, that I struggle, and that I’m trying my best. I think other women could use this space as well. So here’s to figuring it out together,

“All bodies are good bodies. You do not need to lose weight to have a good body. All bodies are real bodies. You are perfect at whatever size you like best. I preach this loud and proud to my friends, to my niece, to my mother, to my girlfriend. Honestly, I truly believe it. I also believe in giving a big middle finger to society’s standards of beauty, and I think it’s completely true that anyone can be healthy at whatever size they are.” – Sarah Hansen

Note: I purposefully left my weight out of this blog. I went back and forth on this decision but ultimately decided it would not do any good or help my point by just adding numbers in.

Links for further reading:

The complicated relationship between feminism and fitness
How to work exercise out of self love not fat shaming

Intersectionality of fitness

About how you don’t always have to love your body

Some other blog posts about bodies:

Making my body a brave space

How my feminism intersects body consciousness with health benefits

Student staff member Sydney has had a rocky relationship with math throughout her life. As a graduate student in the Applied Sociology program at UMBC she began to rethink her relationship with math through her statistics courses and with the support of her (Women!) professor and TA.

On Thursday September 14, the Women’s Center hosted their first fall roundtable on the topic of Women in Tech. I was there to listen and also write the roundup for the Women’s Center.

Although I am not a woman in the STEM field, a lot of what was shared really resonated with me and led to a reflection about my relationship with math. Let me start by saying it’s not a positive relationship. I’ve always struggled with math, I feel like it takes me longer than others, my professors (read: male professors) have always seen me as a burden, and now just thinking about it gives me anxiety. I’m talking “I don’t understand anything on this page, I’m going to fail this test, I’m going to fail this class, and I’m never going to get a job and my life is over” types of anxiety.

I used to say I hated math because I thought I was bad at it, but the roundtable really made me reflect on if this is true or if I’ve just been socialized to believe this. I never thought I was a person who was bad at math; I thought I was bad at math because I was a woman.

Comic from XKCD

Even as a graduate student who passed all of her undergraduate math classes and received an A in graduate level statistics (make note, I had women professors), I still think I’m inherently bad at math, which makes NO sense. This problem exists outside of my experiences as well and is reflected in the disparities between men and women in the STEM fields. For example, although more women are awarded bachelor’s degrees than men, only 17% of computer science graduates are women.

My reflection made me want to reach out to other women to see what their experiences with math were and if this socialization process affected their relationship with math at all. Like many other quests into knowledge, this one did not go quite as planned, but still I received a lot of feedback that included some key themes I think are important.

The first theme is that those who struggled with math or felt as if they were being told they were bad at math, began to feel this way from a VERY early age (most respondents reported between first grade and early middle school). Young girls who were working out math problems were told that if they didn’t understand it right away that they never would and they should basically give up.

The other theme was that most of these comments (or in some cases just dirty looks) came from male teachers. Not only were women being socialized through verbal interactions to believe they were bad at match, they were also aware of the nonverbal interactions between themselves and their male teachers that added to this thought. The patriarchy is alive and well in the classroom y’all.

Here are some responses:

I was talking with a classmate trying to figure out what a problem meant when the teacher came up to us, yelled at us for distracting our classmates, and that if we didn’t understand it – we wouldn’t ever get it. – Rachel (22).

2nd grade, the teacher said I just wasn’t up to it -Jamie (24)

A college professor told me before the class even started that I was either going to fail or drop out of the class, I ended up passing the class with a high B just to prove him wrong -Jill (23)

Most of the women who wrote about these negative experiences also expressed that their negative relationship with math has continue throughout their lives. In terms of their current feelings, they expressed feelings of doubt and anxiety when doing math, or even a complete avoidance of math in life altogether.

I hate it. I’m super intimidated by it. The thought of having to help my daughters with their math homework in the future, terrifies me! -Marie (38)

Some of the women who had negative experiences early on did end up having a good relationship with math later on. Some women have always had good experiences with math. The one common denominator between these positive math women was: a support system, and most of the time this support system was made up of other women (women teachers, Mom’s who worked in the field, etc.).

I had a teacher, Ms. Raden… I don’t know if it was her approach or the fact that she was a woman that made me more comfortable.  I took more advanced classes and eventually got a degree where match and equations are big.- Darcy (31).

My algebra 1 teacher went out her way to encourage girls. -Debbie (55)

I think the support I’ve had from my parents encouraging me to pursue math and science in my career has helped me to not feel inadequate in my mathematical abilities. -Caitlin (25).

Most of the responses I gleaned seemed to be aware of the stereotype of women being bad at math and science. Thus, while I expected emotional answers, I was not prepared for the amount of angry responses I received… which were directed at the survey itself and me. A lot of women took offense that I would “assume” they were bad at math or that their experiences were negative. They had never encountered the problem I was bringing up and therefore didn’t think it was an issue on a larger scale either. I have pretty thick skin, but to be honest, shifting through 30 responses with a large amount being very passionate about why I was wrong hit me hard. I immediately wanted to defend myself but also didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t know how to move forward with the blog or get out the message I was originally trying to convey. At first I just wanted to ignore these responses and focus on my original goal, but after reflecting (again) and getting input from coworkers and an amazing supervisor (Thanks Amelia!) I decided I needed to face what was making me uncomfortable head on.

I think it is important to note that women have a variety of experiences, and all of them are valid. While a lot of women have great experiences with math it is also a fact that there are large disparities in the gender makeup of people in STEM fields and that many women have had negative experiences. I want to foster a space as well as a society where all women’s voices are heard but also not at the expense of women with differing stories. Some experiences are good and some are bad but the consequences of a society that largely labels women at a disadvantage are very real. Although women’s involvement is on the rise, there are still barriers that need to be addressed in order for a more equitable field (and society) to emerge.

To the women in STEM fighting against these barriers, I thank you! To the women who feel comfortable in their own skin around math, I envy you! To the women who avoid math at all costs, I understand you! And to the women who can feel their blood pressure rising just when the word is uttered, I am with you!

On Campus Resources:

UMBC Center for Women in Technology

More about the issue:

Women and Math: The Gender Gap Bridged

Women in Math, Science, & Medicine: Still Work to be Done

The Truth About Gender and Math

This past April was our most powerful yet. In recognition of Sexual Assault Awareness Month, the Women’s Center coordinated the annual Take Back the Night event, which 265 UMBC community members attended (click here for a photo round-up). The Clothesline Project reached another 183 people, and 10 new shirts were created by survivors of interpersonal violence.

The Women’s Center’s mission to support survivors extends beyond April. This year, the Women’s Center has trained 103 students, faculty, and staff in our supporting survivors workshops. Jess and Megan have also devoted over 25 hours of 1-1 support meetings for survivors and those dedicated to supporting them.

As this school year ends, please help us continue cultivating a survivor-responsive campus. We are only $450 away from making our 25th Anniversary GiveCorps goal for the 2016-2017 school year!
Give today and help a survivor access the support they need. 

In recognition of the other month-long celebration that is April’s National Poetry Month, Women’s Center Special Projects Coordinator Amelia Meman recorded a discussion on writing as a woman with her two best friends. Check out the video below, and join the conversation!

Writing as a woman.

It’s something I think about fairly often, because it brings up issues of worthiness, knowledge-making, developing identities, creating dialogues and rhetorical communities, and communicating experience. Writing is, in many ways, the convergence of the private becoming public–y’know, that old feminist maxim. Writing as an act and later as a product contains multitudes, especially in its intersections with identity.

That said, I was eager to talk with two of my best friends, Susie Hinz and Kerrin Smith, about their experiences as writers, as woman, and as women writers (or alternatively writerly women?). A video of our conversation is below. We talk about the intersections of identity and writing, getting over feelings of unworthiness, working through writer’s block, and many other writing-related things.

Susie is a UMBC alum who is working at Maryland Humanities and is also curating a fantastic blog (and possibly publishing a novel in the future). Kerrin is a poet in the Creative Writing and Publishing Arts MFA program, and you can catch updates on her published work (and her life) on her Twitter.

This is how we generally feel about writing. (Thanks to Susie for this picture.)

A note: Our discussion is extremely limited in terms of “what it means to be a woman writer,” and we want to acknowledge this. We all have particular aspects of privilege and oppression that affect our identities (gender, creative, and otherwise), and this conversation stems from a particular place of privilege. It’s my hope that this discussion, though limited in terms of perspective, is still insightful and helpful to those watching.

The Women’s Center’s Spring Roundtable series has begun! On February 14th, we hosted the first of our three-part roundtable “Underrepresentation of Women in…” series. This roundtable was on “Women in Politics” and focused on the lack of women in the political sphere and the establishment.

For this discussion, our panelists were Political Science professor Lisa Vetter, Language Literacy and Culture student Colonel Ingrid Parker, and student staff member Kayla Smith.

The discussion opened with a question about gendered communication and how to express femininity in a workspace that’s male dominated. Kayla and Colonel Parker both agreed that being a “chameleon,” or being fluid in how they present themselves based on their audience, has worked for them in the past. 

The conversation then turned to Hillary Clinton’s presidential loss. The suggestion was made that the glass ceiling was now higher than it had previously been as a result of someone as qualified as Clinton losing to someone as seemingly unqualified as President Trump. People in politics may be more scared to back women running for office because women don’t seem to get the votes to take office. Therefore the goal of making a woman president is even more elusive. Furthermore, after learning that some women need to be asked more than five times to run for office, there was some concern that Clinton’s loss would discourage more women from entering the political sphere for fear of disappointment; however, Colonel Parker reminded everyone that the next step should be to stay hopeful and push forward no matter what happens. 

When Jess Myers asked about the silencing of Elizabeth Warren on the Senate floor during the confirmation of Attorney General Jeff Sessions, Kayla pointed out that the silencing of Elizabeth Warren was really the silencing of Coretta Scott King. Kayla went on to explain that, because her feminism is intrinsically connected to her race, it’s impossible for her to ignore the ramifications she faces in the establishment due to being a black woman. 

When the discussion was opened up to the audience, a student asked a question about coping with the effects of mental health when looking at barriers to women in politics. Colonel Parker spoke about the benefits of finding coping mechanisms like eating well, spending time with family, and working out. Kayla suggested finding supportive groups of women to help and uplift you in the face of adversity. Women’s Center Assistant Director Megan Tagle Adams added that it isn’t always enough for their to be more women in a space but that they should also be supportive of women excelling instead of engaging in “mean girl” tactics.

Another audience member asked Kayla what her opinion was on changing the establishment to include women and people of color to which she responded, “It’s important for people to be educated. They need to learn that our government and political system is built on white supremacy, racism, and sexism. Nothing will change until people understand where we started and that those things still play a major role in our system.”

Overall, the subject of women’s underrepresentation in politics is vast and complicated and while we barely scratched the surface in this hour long discussion, we did our best to open the dialogue and get people talking and thinking.

Want more information? Below are some links further discussing women, the establishment, and politics.

• Almost 1 in 5 Congress Members Are Women. Here’s How Other Jobs Compare
• For Women in Politics, the Glass Ceiling Is Now Higher Than Ever
• Women and the Labyrinth of Leadership (an older article but we liked the imagery of the labyrinth; speaks to women + leadership in general)

So has this discussion fired you up? Are you interested in running for office (public, school, or otherwise)? Have you heard about Elect Her? Elect Her is a leadership program that encourages and trains college women to run for student government and future political office

There is an an Elect Her workshop on March 11th from 10:30-3:30 in Fine Arts 011. You will learn how to figure out what your message and platform is, how to craft a communication strategy that works, and you’ll hear from campus and community leaders about what it takes to win. It is going to be a great day!

If you have questions or want to RSVP, contact Dr. Kate. (drabinsk@umbc.edu.)

A reflection written by Women’s Center Special Projects Coordinator, Amelia Meman

So here we are. Another day in this brave new world.

Are you exhausted yet? Emotionally, physically, psychologically?

If you’re not–congratulations! That’s really good and you are a sweet glowing angel.

If you are, though, you’re not alone and you are also a sweet glowing angel.

I’m tired, too. For all of us feminists, social justice warriors, and snowflakes, this is a tough time. The stream of executive actions and questionable cabinet appointments have rocked our communities and have malignantly affected some of the most vulnerable groups in the U.S. The fights we’ve been engaging in throughout every administration have been exacerbated and fear is alive more than ever. 

Seeing the reaction from social justice activists has been heartening for me in many ways. The women’s march was awesome and huge (though not without its fair share of criticism from Black women, the trans community, and many others). Other demonstrations against the refugee ban and the massive uptick in people contacting their elected representatives to demand accountability has shown us that massive swathes of the public have been activated to resist in a great variety of ways.

This work is both vital and neverending. Making an impact is difficult, exhausting work. It involves massive amounts of human energy. What I’m ultimately getting to is this: are you taking care of yourself right now? 

The Women’s Center is all about self-care, and I want to stress (get it?) how necessary it is to take care of ourselves as activists. Energy doesn’t come to us out of nowhere. It is derived from resting and caring for ourselves.

As you continue your activist work, here are some things to think about:

Give yourself enough credit

During this chaotic time, it’s hard to think that we can ever do enough to even make a dent in the system, but you’re so much more powerful than you think. Marches, rallies, and demonstrations are powerful events that increase the visibility of resistance. Regardless of the presidential administration, communicating with legislators is an important part of holding the government accountable to the people. Going to different forums and meetings is a great way to connect with others and get tasks completed. These are some of the actions a lot of people might associate with activism, but there are many other ways to be an activist.

If you are reading a book on social justice, politics, racial justice, feminism, queer theory, etc. you are participating in activism, because you’re learning and informing your activism praxis. If you talk with your friends about politics and learn from one another, that’s a way of participating in activism, because you are creating a transformative moment. If you’re in a class that is helping you talk to others, build things, write, manage money, research, provide medical care, whatever, you are learning skills that are so necessary for activists. 

Finally, taking care of yourself is important. It is paramount to being able to do anything ever. So give yourself credit for what you’re doing, whether it’s leading a march or knowing when you need a break.

Make a plan (for activism and for recuperation)

Whatever you’re doing, try to make a plan. When you tell yourself you’re only going to attend the rally for three hours, only attend the rally for three hours. Activism work can be all-consuming. It’s hard to do, and the work is always there, so it can be easy to fall into the rabbit hole. When you do activist type things, try to be informed about the event/activity (i.e. if you’re attending a march, try to have a buddy and/or know some emergency phone numbers) and also make sure to create a plan for recuperation afterwards (i.e. after you go to the march, take a relaxing bath or meditate by yourself). When you make a plan (and keep to the plan), you manage your time and help sustain yourself.

Be authentic to who you are and listen to yourself

Hey, if you don’t like going to big public protests, don’t go. If you dread the thought of being alone and reading a big political theory tome, don’t do it! There are always alternatives for activism. Reflect on what you like to do, what resonates with you, what gives you life, and then think about how that can be of use in the activist environment. Don’t go about forcing yourself to be something that you aren’t, because who you are is exactly what we need.

And if you feel yourself in need of a break from social media or calling legislators, take the break. Listen to yourself. You know you best.

Talk with other activists

Sometimes the best way to take care of yourself is with a little “ventilation and affirmation” session (thanks School of Social Work for that phrase!). Talk with other activists! We need to support each other in this time, and I think many of us are eager to connect. Despite the sometimes overwhelming desire to isolate in the wake of bad news, sometimes reaching out can be just as healing.

Talking with other activists can also introduce you to new ideas, strategies, communities, all kinds of things. So whether it’s for support or to gain insight (or both), reach out and talk with folks.

Challenge yourself

I know I’ve discussed being gentle with yourself, but there’s “being gentle” and then there’s “coddling.” Self-care can oftentimes be misconstrued as an excuse to dip out of activism. Certainly, you shouldn’t force yourself to do something that you’re not interested in, but don’t let self-care be the reason you use to get out of something that might be difficult at first. If it seems challenging, it might be an opportunity for growth.

Something else to think about as you consider challenging yourself in activism comes with understanding your privileged identities. As a cisgender, queer, upper middle class woman of color, I have a lot of things to sort through, but I try to be cognizant of how my actions are working in solidarity, as an ally, or for me and mine to disrupt oppression.

For example, I’m not a big fan of calling people out on offensive Facebook posts; however, I like the idea of being very choosey and calling people in especially when it comes to transgender issues.hen somebody posts something offensive, I reflect on whether or not I definitely respect them and whether I believe they will listen. If I respect them and think they’ll listen, I walk out of my comfort zone to have a difficult conversation. This process is integral to my work as a cis ally.

By challenging ourselves, we are also taking care of ourselves. We are being stewards of our own growth. So, when you feel that sense of discomfort or anxiety you can step back–that’s always valid–or you can choose to challenge yourself and, potentially, find out more about yourself as an activist.

Use your resources

Finally, here are some resources that you might find useful as you get involved in activism (and while many of these guides focus on the here and now and this specific administration, these are good resources to serve throughout times on both the local, state, and national levels. Activists existed before November 8^th and they’ll continue to exists for years and years and years.):

5 Calls | Turn your passive participation into active resistance. Facebook likes and Twitter retweets can’t create the change you want to see. Calling your Government on the phone can. 5 Calls provides phone numbers and scripts so calling is quick and easy and uses your location to find your local representatives so your calls have more impact. (from the site)

26 Ways to Be in the Struggle Beyond the Streets | A list of ways to engage in activism that are all alternatives to being “in the streets.”

Apps for Organizing | A list of apps that help you get engaged in activism.

Indivisible Guide | A resistance guide compiled by former Congressional staffers.

Project 1461 | This project features daily call-to-actions for organizing under the current administration.

Resistance Calendar | A constantly updating calendar of resistance events happening around the world.

Resistance Manual | The Resistance Manual is premised on the idea that, “Action begins with information.” It is an open-source site that collects information for organizing against the current administration’s actions.

And here are some resources for self-care <3:

6 Apps for Taking Care of Yourself 

Free Mindfulness Apps

Self Care in Stress Culture

Radical Self Care

Thanks for reading this blog post and for taking some time for yourself. We’re proud of you over at the Women’s Center, and we’re here when you need support or just want to collect yourself.

P.S. If you know of any more self-care tips for activists or resources that would be useful, please let us know! We would love to hear your ideas and share them with others.

A reflection by Women’s Center staff member Prachi Kochar on identity and “fitting in”. How do we navigate identities that can fit into multiple categories of nationality, ability, race, etc. at once? Or identities that do not perfectly fit into these categories, spilling out and crashing into each other? 

This summer, I went to India for my cousin’s wedding, and it was a long trip both physically (twenty-four hours of traveling, with a layover!) and mentally. Even though it has technically been over for months, it continues to affect the way that I think and view the world. It has deepened my understanding of how I navigate the world, both in terms of my physical location and in terms of social situations and relationships.

Before this trip, I had assumed that India was nothing more or less than a second home to my parents, that it was their equivalent of me coming home from school for winter or summer vacation. However, after an interaction with some distant relatives, my mother turned to me and shook her head, saying “They act like we’re not even Indian!” Her comment surprised me because my parents always had been the epitome of Indian to me. In their spare use of Gujarati and Marathi words, I had heard the voice of India, my motherland. Through their cooking, through the bhinda, rotis, and dal, I had tasted my heritage. And in their stories about their childhoods, about school, about their friends, everything, I had experienced life in India.

Mehndi ceremonies with family in India

Even though I had known they had lived in the United States for the majority of their lives, eventually becoming US citizens, I was still amazed. My mother explained to me, “We’re too American for the Indians, but then we go home and we’re too Indian for Americans.” At this point, it was difficult for me to not laugh and/or cry out loud, because I had said that same sentence nearly word-for-word in multiple contexts. Later, once we had gotten a break from the wedding chaos, I asked my parents about the exchange again. They both expressed similar feelings, even though they’d had very different experiences of growing up in India and even though my mother is technically South African. Not American enough, but also not Indian enough, they echoed. In the end, I was left with one question playing through my head over and over. What does “enough” mean?

For me, that question makes up the chorus of the soundtrack of my life. I am not Indian enough. I am not American enough. I am also not deaf enough. I am not “hearing” enough. I am not assertive enough. I am not quiet enough. And so on.

Let me back up here. Who or what am I not enough for? may be the question on your mind. And simply put, it is everyone and no one at the same time, including myself.

As a deaf Indian-American woman, I am often subjected to a set of expectations that vary based on context and location.

For example, Indian-Americans often make up the face of “model minorities”. They are expected to excel at math, sciences, and are seen as not facing discrimination in contrast to other minority groups. This “model minority” stereotype is used to perpetuate anti-Blackness among other things, while ignoring that Asian-Americans are not a monolithic group. At the same time, being a woman comes with its own set of expectations that often clash and interact with stereotypes of Indian-Americans. Indian-American girls are often viewed as constantly being oppressed by their vile misogynistic parents and threatened with arranged marriage. It is necessary to recognize that this is an issue that some Indian-American women do deal with, but presenting it universally affecting only one group trivializes the complexity of the problem and pretends that it does not exist in other communities.

My poster for the Telling Our Stories project.

Deaf and hard of hearing people also face their own set of stereotypes. For example, one of the most highly touted statistics about the woeful situation of d/Deaf people is that the average deaf high schooler has a fourth-grade reading level, never mind that the average American adult has an eighth grade reading level (in addition to several other issues with this statistic). In addition to being stereotyped as uneducated, d/Deaf people are imagined to be figuratively — if not literally — voiceless. Even though many d/Deaf people are not able to verbally speak, this does not mean that they cannot express themselves through American Sign Language, through writing, through a variety of other formats, just as eloquently as any hearing person can with their voice. Like many other minority groups, d/Deaf people are placed into rigid, narrow boxes that define who they should be, rather than definitions that stretch to accommodate the wholeness of who deaf people actually are.

I find it difficult enough to deal with one set of stereotypes by itself, and dealing with multiple collections of stereotypes presents a shifting set of expectations that feels like it is always changing to trap and trip me up. Navigating all of these stereotypes is something that I do every day, with a broken compass and inaccurate map. For example, when I am in class, I often hesitate to raise my hand and speak up because I worry that I may be monopolizing class time by speaking up too much. I also hesitate because I feel that I’m not “hearing” enough. More specifically, even though I am able to speak using my voice, I have a strong “deaf” accent (with an inability to discriminate between “l” and “n” or say words beginning with “st”), and I often worry that I am annoying others by making them work harder to understand me.

At the same time, I wonder if I should be less quiet, in order to not play into perceptions of Asian-American women as voiceless and invisible. I feel that I should speak freely in class, using American Sign Language and the interpreter to voice for me instead of using my own voice, fully embracing my Deaf identity even though it still feels itchy and uncomfortable to me. With all of these contradictions whirling around in my head, I often end up just doing the old half raise of my hand and hoping (or fearing) that the professor will call on me.

I am not alone in these conflicted feelings. Feeling trapped between two worlds is also an issue that affects many from immigrant families, especially people of color who are visibly marked and judged as an “other” in the United States. Consider Nina Davuluri who was crowned Miss America in 2013, becoming the first South Asian American to hold that title. Immediately after she was announced as the winner, she was the target of various racist attacks on social media, illustrating how many people of color are often not seen as fully American, despite being born and raised here. We are expected to assimilate, but even when we conform perfectly to standards of “Americanness”, we are still seen as outsiders, constantly receiving the “but where are you really from?” question. Being the “perfect” Indian-American is not enough in America, or India, as my parents’ experiences indicate. Similarly, being the “perfect” deaf person is not enough to smoothly navigate hearing spaces. In short, being the “perfect” model of a minority that fits into dominant norms is still not enough to gain total acceptance.

In 2013, Nina Davuluri became the first Miss America of South Asian origin

So, is there ever a way that we can become enough? While the acceptance of others may be beyond our control, I propose that it is possible for those of us who feel trapped by these paradoxes and stereotypes to become enough for ourselves. We must recognize that it is okay to feel conflicted and confused. We must practice self-care, giving ourselves an outlet to express ourselves and just be. For me, that takes the form of painting, working out at the gym, and playing Pokémon. For you, that might look like baking some cookies, watching Netflix, or blasting some Beyoncé in your bedroom. It is important to recognize that there is no one right way to take care of yourself – do what feels right for you at this point in time and recognize that it is okay if that changes. Navigating these challenges can seem insurmountable sometimes, but giving yourself permission to exist as you are can help you start taking those first steps of confidence forward.

Be like Aishwarya Rai and don’t hold any part of yourself back for anyone.

Resource Round-Up
UMBC Women’s Center Women of Color Coalition – We discuss various issues pertaining to self-identified women of color every other week. I am one of the peer facilitators, so come say hi and share your experiences!
Women of Color – Telling Our Stories
“Twice as Good” On Being a Woman of Color and Overcoming Imposter Syndrome and Perfectionism
Asian American Identities
The Truth about “The Asian Advantage” and “Model Minority Myth”
6 Reasons We Need to Dismantle the Model Minority Myth of Those ‘Hard-Working’ Asians
It’s Time to Talk: South Asian Women in the U.S. Have Some of the Highest Suicide Rates
Deaf/Hard of Hearing Identities
American Deaf Culture
Terminology

A top 10 favorite things list about the United State of Women Summit complied by Women’s Center director, Jess Myers.

Maybe you heard about this little thing that happened in Washington, D.C. this week called the United State of Women Summit. If not, just to fill you in, it wasn’t little at all – it was a Pretty Big Deal. The Summit which was developed out of the White House Council on Women and Girls was the first of its kind with a charge to rally women and their allies together to celebrate what women have achieved and create solutions to help keep moving women’s issues and gender equity forward. I had the privilege of being one of the 5000 people in attendance as a representative of ACPA’s Coalition for Women’s Identities. In their opening remarks, Valerie Jarrett and Tina Tchen compared a meeting such as the USOW to the Seneca Falls Convention. And while, I’m not quite sure the Summit will have the same lasting historical event, it was nonetheless an important day for women and one which I’ll never forget.
I thought about my UMBC and Women’s Center families throughout the entire day and wanted to give you a little taste of the experience – some of my favorite things, you might say (wink wink, Oprah). Please note, this is not a critical analysis of the day’s events and speakers (you can google search for the think pieces later).

Joe Biden’s Call to End Rape Culture
Vice President Biden’s appearance at the Summit served as the kick-off to the big day. I’ve always felt conflicted in my feelings about good old Joe and his time at USOW proved no different. It certainly was a yes/and experience. Yes! Thank you, Vice President for your deeply held passion in speaking out on behalf of survivors of sexual assault. Yes! Thank you for calling men and bystanders away from complacency and into action. And, you took up a lot of space, Joe. You went over your allotted time by quite a bit and each minute you extended your time was another minute reduced or shifted for all the women following you throughout the rest of the day AT A SUMMIT FOR AND ABOUT WOMEN. It truly was the embodiment of white male privilege and I couldn’t help to feel frustrated even though I kept nodding and agreeing with his passionate and declarative call to support survivors. Yes, we need to create more space for rape culture to be discussed AND there’s a way it can be done without silencing the voices of survivors and women. But don’t let me discourage you from hearing what he has to say, he really was fired up… Listen to Vice President Biden’s speech here.

A Platform for Naming and Calling Out Rape Culture
Joe wasn’t the only one fired up about rape culture. There were a ton of other women throughout the day who did speak to their experiences and survivors and advocates for survivors. Mariksa Hargitay spoke to the importance of ending the backlog on rape kits by saying that the testing of rape kits sends a crucial and fundamental message to survivors that they matter. It’s On Us Activist, Jess Davidson, declared that we “We can change the world by getting mad” and sexual assault has made her mad enough to commit to a lifelong goal of fighting to end rape. Others such as Jaha Dukureh, founder of Safe Hands for Girls, spoke to the global epidemic of violence against women to include the fight to end child marriages and female genital mutilation. While Planned Parenthood president, Cecile Richards, wasn’t speaking directly to rape culture when she said “You only get what you fight for,” it was clearly palpable throughout the entire day that this summit of women and allies were ready to fight to end rape culture.

The Powerhouse of Young Girls!
Y’all, what were you doing when you were 11 years old? Probably not introducing the President of the United States, like Mikaila Ulmer, am I right? You probably also weren’t like Marley Dias collecting 7000+ books about black girls and working to create a culture of inclusion in children books. Yeah, me either. The awesome thing, though, is that there are real life 11 year olds doing just that and they are my newest role models! My takeaway, you don’t have to wait to grow up to do important things and be a change agent. Like Mikaila said, “BE(e) fearless. BE(e)lieve in the impossible. And dream like a kid.” To watch Mikaila intro scoll to 6:42:29 of the live stream feed and to watch Marley, scroll to 10:2230.

Can you imagine being 11 years old and introducing the President of the United States?! When asked if she was nervous, Mikaila responded, nah, “I spoke to 11,000 people last week.” This is the future, my friends!

Podcast IRL Alert!
So, I couldn’t get a selfie with Amy Poehler (who am I kidding, I mean, Leslie Knope) but I did get the chance to meet Cristen Conger, one of the ladies from my favorite podcast, Stuff Mom Never Told You. As someone who constantly cites this podcast as a source of much of my cool lady and gender knowledge, this was a pretty big deal. So of course I walked over and introduced myself, offered up a podcast topic suggestion (a history on campus-based women’s centers, of course) and got me a selfie. Listening to SMNTY will never feel the same again. Magical.

IRL for sure… I spotted Cristen (right) when she was speaking to Emily from BossedUp.Org who was featured on the SMNTY podcast earlier this year. I think I actually used the line “oh my gosh, it’s a podcast come to life!” as my awkward intro.

The Barbie Commercial
Okay okay… I know. Barbie is problematic and I know this commercial did everything it was supposed to do to my heartstrings in the name of capitalism AND in this moment, I don’t care. I played with Barbies growing up until an age that I’m too embarrassed to name. My Barbies scooped ice cream, went to the hair salon, and rode in a convertible because that’s the narrative of Barbie and what womanhood was about that was given to me as a young child. It wasn’t my imagination playing at all. Capitalistic or not, I’m just happy that perhaps some girls when playing with their Barbies will feel embolden to tell a different story. And, if you can’t go with me on this, that’s okay… if you only watch it for the line that references unicorns, my job here is done.

Nancy Pelosi and Women in Congress
The past two weeks have been hard. I’m mad that a convicted rapist only received a 6 month jail sentence. I’m heartbroken about the horrific acts of hate and violence that were enacted against the Orlando LGBTQ community. I’m also thinking about (some of) the solutions and it keeps going back to voting. We must support people who will hold up and push forward our values to run for office and then we must vote for them. As Nancy Pelosi said in her speech, “I promise you, I assure you and guarantee you this: if we increase the level of civility and reduce the role of money in politics, we will elect more women, more people of color, more LGBT and more young people – and America will be the better because of it.” I believe it too. She then invited her fellow Congresswomen to join the stage with her and it was just pretty darn rad. But I also agree with you, Nancy, I want more women! You can read her speech here.

Photo credit shoutout to Twitter!

President Obama: “This is what a Feminist Looks Like.”
The last time I “saw” Barack Obama was in October 2008 when he was campaigning to become President of the United States of America. I saw a tiny fleck of his collar from time to time in between the yellow falls leaves on the oval of Colorado State University’s campus. It was a dream come true to finally see him in person again almost 8 years later as my president and hear him speak to me and my identity as a woman living in the US. He made me laugh. He made me cry. He made me proud. As he’s said so many times in the past, I do believe, he has my back. I read through his speech too many times to find a good pull quote and I can’t pick just one… so find what speaks to you. Watch President Obama’s speech here. You can also read the full transcript here.

I know. I know. I got a little excited and POTUS is like “whoa whoa whoa, calm down.” But I couldn’t help myself when he’s name dropping women like Shirley Chisholm, Audre Lorde, Alice Paul, Paulie Murray, RBG, and Eleanor Roosevelt.

“Working Women” and the Representation of the Labor Movement
Growing up in a Teamster family and surrounding myself with friends committed to the labor movement, it’s fair to say, I love me some union workers (who doesn’t love their 8-hour workdays and weekends?!?!)! In a summit that featured many privileged and wealthy women, it would have been easy enough to only talk about “having it all” and the joys of flexible paid leave and substantial benefits of the corporate and tech worlds. I’m glad that wasn’t the only story that was told and we got to hear from women like tradeswoman, Kevin Burton who is student-debt free because she has access to a living wage to work her way not only through her undergrad career but also through law school. To watch the conversation on working families economic policies, scroll to 7:25:50 in the live stream.

The First Lady Michelle and Oprah Love Fest
The moment we had all been waiting for all day finally arrived and IT. WAS. EVERYTHING. As a white woman, I know #BlackGirlMagic isn’t for me, but I love what it means to and for black women. It was an honor to witness the magic of love, support, and friendship between these two women. It was privilege to hear Michelle speak to the power of knowing one’s self-value and self-worth, how she practices self-care, and what she is most proud of during her time as First Lady. Oprah, as always served as the perfect midwife is helping the stories come into being and into our hearts. My takeaway… Be Better. You just must watch it for yourself. You can also get a brief summary of some of the gems of the conversation here.

I wasn’t lying that it was the perfect and most beautiful love and affirmation fest! Shine theory galore!

5000 Women!
Oprah ended the armchair discussion between her and the First Lady with more love for Michelle by quoting a line from a Maya Angelou book, “You make me proud to spell my name. W-O-M-A-N.” Yes. Yes! Yes!! From spending time with one of my favorite mentors, Mollie, to living out my Leslie Knope girl crush to its fullest, to meeting badass women I had never heard of until that day, there was an undeniable satisfying power of being in a room with 5000 women. 5000 trailblazers. Watch out world, here we come… we’re only just getting started.

Indeed, You make me proud to spell my name. W-O-M-A-N.

5000 women strong! Here’s some women from the ACPA Coalition for Women’s Identities to include my mentor and former Women’s Center director, Mollie Monahan-Kreishman.

For more on the Summit, check out all the social medias using #StateOfWomen #USOW or visit the website.