The members of the UMBC Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer (LGBTQ) Faculty and Staff Association have released a statement in response to the hate crime that took place in Orlando last weekend.
To read the full statement, please visit (and follow) their myUMBC group. 

A top 10 favorite things list about the United State of Women Summit complied by Women’s Center director, Jess Myers.

Maybe you heard about this little thing that happened in Washington, D.C. this week called the United State of Women Summit. If not, just to fill you in, it wasn’t little at all – it was a Pretty Big Deal. The Summit which was developed out of the White House Council on Women and Girls was the first of its kind with a charge to rally women and their allies together to celebrate what women have achieved and create solutions to help keep moving women’s issues and gender equity forward. I had the privilege of being one of the 5000 people in attendance as a representative of ACPA’s Coalition for Women’s Identities. In their opening remarks, Valerie Jarrett and Tina Tchen compared a meeting such as the USOW to the Seneca Falls Convention. And while, I’m not quite sure the Summit will have the same lasting historical event, it was nonetheless an important day for women and one which I’ll never forget.
I thought about my UMBC and Women’s Center families throughout the entire day and wanted to give you a little taste of the experience – some of my favorite things, you might say (wink wink, Oprah). Please note, this is not a critical analysis of the day’s events and speakers (you can google search for the think pieces later).

Joe Biden’s Call to End Rape Culture
Vice President Biden’s appearance at the Summit served as the kick-off to the big day. I’ve always felt conflicted in my feelings about good old Joe and his time at USOW proved no different. It certainly was a yes/and experience. Yes! Thank you, Vice President for your deeply held passion in speaking out on behalf of survivors of sexual assault. Yes! Thank you for calling men and bystanders away from complacency and into action. And, you took up a lot of space, Joe. You went over your allotted time by quite a bit and each minute you extended your time was another minute reduced or shifted for all the women following you throughout the rest of the day AT A SUMMIT FOR AND ABOUT WOMEN. It truly was the embodiment of white male privilege and I couldn’t help to feel frustrated even though I kept nodding and agreeing with his passionate and declarative call to support survivors. Yes, we need to create more space for rape culture to be discussed AND there’s a way it can be done without silencing the voices of survivors and women. But don’t let me discourage you from hearing what he has to say, he really was fired up… Listen to Vice President Biden’s speech here.

A Platform for Naming and Calling Out Rape Culture
Joe wasn’t the only one fired up about rape culture. There were a ton of other women throughout the day who did speak to their experiences and survivors and advocates for survivors. Mariksa Hargitay spoke to the importance of ending the backlog on rape kits by saying that the testing of rape kits sends a crucial and fundamental message to survivors that they matter. It’s On Us Activist, Jess Davidson, declared that we “We can change the world by getting mad” and sexual assault has made her mad enough to commit to a lifelong goal of fighting to end rape. Others such as Jaha Dukureh, founder of Safe Hands for Girls, spoke to the global epidemic of violence against women to include the fight to end child marriages and female genital mutilation. While Planned Parenthood president, Cecile Richards, wasn’t speaking directly to rape culture when she said “You only get what you fight for,” it was clearly palpable throughout the entire day that this summit of women and allies were ready to fight to end rape culture.

The Powerhouse of Young Girls!
Y’all, what were you doing when you were 11 years old? Probably not introducing the President of the United States, like Mikaila Ulmer, am I right? You probably also weren’t like Marley Dias collecting 7000+ books about black girls and working to create a culture of inclusion in children books. Yeah, me either. The awesome thing, though, is that there are real life 11 year olds doing just that and they are my newest role models! My takeaway, you don’t have to wait to grow up to do important things and be a change agent. Like Mikaila said, “BE(e) fearless. BE(e)lieve in the impossible. And dream like a kid.” To watch Mikaila intro scoll to 6:42:29 of the live stream feed and to watch Marley, scroll to 10:2230.

Can you imagine being 11 years old and introducing the President of the United States?! When asked if she was nervous, Mikaila responded, nah, “I spoke to 11,000 people last week.” This is the future, my friends!

Podcast IRL Alert!
So, I couldn’t get a selfie with Amy Poehler (who am I kidding, I mean, Leslie Knope) but I did get the chance to meet Cristen Conger, one of the ladies from my favorite podcast, Stuff Mom Never Told You. As someone who constantly cites this podcast as a source of much of my cool lady and gender knowledge, this was a pretty big deal. So of course I walked over and introduced myself, offered up a podcast topic suggestion (a history on campus-based women’s centers, of course) and got me a selfie. Listening to SMNTY will never feel the same again. Magical.

IRL for sure… I spotted Cristen (right) when she was speaking to Emily from BossedUp.Org who was featured on the SMNTY podcast earlier this year. I think I actually used the line “oh my gosh, it’s a podcast come to life!” as my awkward intro.

The Barbie Commercial
Okay okay… I know. Barbie is problematic and I know this commercial did everything it was supposed to do to my heartstrings in the name of capitalism AND in this moment, I don’t care. I played with Barbies growing up until an age that I’m too embarrassed to name. My Barbies scooped ice cream, went to the hair salon, and rode in a convertible because that’s the narrative of Barbie and what womanhood was about that was given to me as a young child. It wasn’t my imagination playing at all. Capitalistic or not, I’m just happy that perhaps some girls when playing with their Barbies will feel embolden to tell a different story. And, if you can’t go with me on this, that’s okay… if you only watch it for the line that references unicorns, my job here is done.

Nancy Pelosi and Women in Congress
The past two weeks have been hard. I’m mad that a convicted rapist only received a 6 month jail sentence. I’m heartbroken about the horrific acts of hate and violence that were enacted against the Orlando LGBTQ community. I’m also thinking about (some of) the solutions and it keeps going back to voting. We must support people who will hold up and push forward our values to run for office and then we must vote for them. As Nancy Pelosi said in her speech, “I promise you, I assure you and guarantee you this: if we increase the level of civility and reduce the role of money in politics, we will elect more women, more people of color, more LGBT and more young people – and America will be the better because of it.” I believe it too. She then invited her fellow Congresswomen to join the stage with her and it was just pretty darn rad. But I also agree with you, Nancy, I want more women! You can read her speech here.

Photo credit shoutout to Twitter!

President Obama: “This is what a Feminist Looks Like.”
The last time I “saw” Barack Obama was in October 2008 when he was campaigning to become President of the United States of America. I saw a tiny fleck of his collar from time to time in between the yellow falls leaves on the oval of Colorado State University’s campus. It was a dream come true to finally see him in person again almost 8 years later as my president and hear him speak to me and my identity as a woman living in the US. He made me laugh. He made me cry. He made me proud. As he’s said so many times in the past, I do believe, he has my back. I read through his speech too many times to find a good pull quote and I can’t pick just one… so find what speaks to you. Watch President Obama’s speech here. You can also read the full transcript here.

I know. I know. I got a little excited and POTUS is like “whoa whoa whoa, calm down.” But I couldn’t help myself when he’s name dropping women like Shirley Chisholm, Audre Lorde, Alice Paul, Paulie Murray, RBG, and Eleanor Roosevelt.

“Working Women” and the Representation of the Labor Movement
Growing up in a Teamster family and surrounding myself with friends committed to the labor movement, it’s fair to say, I love me some union workers (who doesn’t love their 8-hour workdays and weekends?!?!)! In a summit that featured many privileged and wealthy women, it would have been easy enough to only talk about “having it all” and the joys of flexible paid leave and substantial benefits of the corporate and tech worlds. I’m glad that wasn’t the only story that was told and we got to hear from women like tradeswoman, Kevin Burton who is student-debt free because she has access to a living wage to work her way not only through her undergrad career but also through law school. To watch the conversation on working families economic policies, scroll to 7:25:50 in the live stream.

The First Lady Michelle and Oprah Love Fest
The moment we had all been waiting for all day finally arrived and IT. WAS. EVERYTHING. As a white woman, I know #BlackGirlMagic isn’t for me, but I love what it means to and for black women. It was an honor to witness the magic of love, support, and friendship between these two women. It was privilege to hear Michelle speak to the power of knowing one’s self-value and self-worth, how she practices self-care, and what she is most proud of during her time as First Lady. Oprah, as always served as the perfect midwife is helping the stories come into being and into our hearts. My takeaway… Be Better. You just must watch it for yourself. You can also get a brief summary of some of the gems of the conversation here.

I wasn’t lying that it was the perfect and most beautiful love and affirmation fest! Shine theory galore!

5000 Women!
Oprah ended the armchair discussion between her and the First Lady with more love for Michelle by quoting a line from a Maya Angelou book, “You make me proud to spell my name. W-O-M-A-N.” Yes. Yes! Yes!! From spending time with one of my favorite mentors, Mollie, to living out my Leslie Knope girl crush to its fullest, to meeting badass women I had never heard of until that day, there was an undeniable satisfying power of being in a room with 5000 women. 5000 trailblazers. Watch out world, here we come… we’re only just getting started.

Indeed, You make me proud to spell my name. W-O-M-A-N.

5000 women strong! Here’s some women from the ACPA Coalition for Women’s Identities to include my mentor and former Women’s Center director, Mollie Monahan-Kreishman.

For more on the Summit, check out all the social medias using #StateOfWomen #USOW or visit the website. 

 A list by student staff member, Shira Devorah 

Summer is here, which means I finally have time to do some leisure reading!  While I’ve been known to indulge in guilty pleasure novels, I know that there are a lot of amazing feminist books out there that I haven’t taken the time to read yet.

This summer,  I plan on undertaking a feminist book club challenge! I encourage anyone reading this to come along and read with me. There aren’t any real rules to this challenge – the challenge I’m proposing to myself is to read at least 10 books that contribute to my knowledge on feminism, activism and social justice. The list of possibilities is truly extensive, so I’m going to choose just a handful of books that I think i’ll enjoy reading. Each picture will be linked to a purchasable copy on Amazon, just in case you would like to read long with me (or even better, shop local)! 

* This list isn’t in any particular order, and I’m not sure which book I’m going to read first ( or simultaneously). They’re just numbered for convenience sake.* 

1.) The Mists of Avalon, Marion Zimmer Bradley 

Image from Amazon.com

I was given this book as a present once, but I never got around to reading it, and eventually my father accidentally gave it away. Fortunately, I’ve recently acquired a new copy. This is a novel that centers on the stories of the female characters in Arthurian legend, focusing on the antagonist of King Arthur, Morgan le Fay. Instead of being portrayed as a one-dimensional evil woman, her story is fleshed out and given substance.

2.) How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents, Julia Alvarez 

I’ve heard of this book before, but I’ve never sat down to actually read it. This novel follows the lives of four Dominican sisters in reverse chronological order. I’m really excited to delve into the themes of acculturation, immigration and identity that the Garcia sisters face in this novel.

3.) Sister Outsider, Audre Lorde 

Amazon.com

Audre Lorde is a feminist hero, and I think it is massively important to read her, especially if I’m going to call myself an intersectional feminist. In this collection of 15 essays and speeches, Lorde covers a broad range of important topics, including race, classism, sexism, ageism and homophobia. I’ve read an essay or two, but I’m ready to experience Lorde’s full power.

4.) The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath

Amazon.com

I can’t believe that I’ve never read this book. I’ve picked it up a few times and read the back, but I’ve never actually sat down and read it. It’s a classic that focuses on mental illness and identity, and I cannot wait to finally take the time to read it.

5.) Redefining Realness, Janet Mock 

Amazon.com

This is a memoir by the fantastic Janet Mock, discussing her identity as a trans woman of color. I’ve really enjoyed “Her Story“, and the creators mentioned the immense  influence of Janet Mock during a talkback at UMBC.  I haven’t read too many memoirs, but this New York Times bestseller is about to change that.

6.) Bad Feminist, Roxane Gay 

Amazon.com

I often feel like a feminist killjoy. I know that once you begin to see the world through an intersectional feminist lens, all of your faves become problematic. This book of essays will hopefully help teach me how to enjoy things in life while continuing to be critical.

7.) Foxfire: Confessions of a Girl Gang, Joyce Carol Oates 

Amazon.com

When I was a senior in High School, my english teacher suggested that I read this book. I distinctly remember going to the library and finding it, but putting it back on the shelf because I thought that it looked too boring. I don’t know how a thriller about a girl gang in the 1950s seemed boring to 17-year-old me, but I think now is a good time to revisit this novel.

8.) Saga, Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples 

Amazon.com 

I’m a sucker for a good graphic novel,  yet I haven’t gotten my paws on this one just yet. Saga is a series about two lovers from different worlds trying to raise their daughter in a war-torn society. It’s beautiful, full of fantasy and sci-fi, and apparently has amazing representations of  ethnicity, gender and sexuality during a fictional war. It’s also illustrated by Fiona Staples,  a woman of color who is regarded as the  #1 female comic book artist of all-time by readers of Comic Book Resources in 2015. I can’t wait to finally read this installment (as well as the rest of the story).

9.) Gender Trouble, Judith Butler 

Amazon.com

I’ve read (and watched) a bit of Judith Butler in class, and I’m super interested in Queer Theory. This book came out in 1990, but is still important as a fundamental reading for queer theorists, so I’m going to attempt to make it through some dense vocabulary and learn a bit. I plan for mass amounts of annotation, that’s how I tend to get through theory-heavy books.

10.) Dirty River: A Queer Femme of Color Dreaming Her Way Home, Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha

I have recently fallen for the poetry and all-together awesomeness of Piepzna-Samarasinha. While I’ve watched a bunch of her spoken word, I haven’t really gotten to know her outside of that. Remember how I said earlier that I haven’t read too many memoirs, and now there are two on my list? Wild, right? I’m just happy that Piepzna- Samarasinha has shared this journey of hers, I can’t wait to learn more about her.

So that’s my list!  Feel free to join in on this challenge and read these books during the summer, too! I’ll be back in a few months to tell you all how this little reading adventure went. If you want more than what’s listed here, check out this goodreads list of feminist books. Happy reading!

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Fun Fact! Did you know the Women’s Center at UMBC has a lending library where you can check out some of these books for free?! Stop by this summer and stock up on your favorite feminists reads this summer. 

 A blog post and reflection by staff member Daniel Willey

The following post contains mentions of rape and sexual assault. Hyperlinks marked with * indicate that the article contains detailed accounts of assault in some form.

This past April during Sexual Assault Awareness Month, the Women’s Center hosted an program called “What About the Men?” The event was held on during Monday free hour, and it was billed as “a multimedia discussion on masculinity, sexual assault, and male survivors.*”

I wanted to talk about how societal ideas about masculinity (like sexual prowess, social dominance, financial stability, risk-taking, and the “Man Card”) create an environment that encourages — or is at least passively complicit in — sexual violence against women, and isolates and invalidates male survivors of sexual violence.

And nobody came.

Okay, not nobody. Jess and Megan and Shira were there, and four community members stopped in to see what was happening. We actually had a really great discussion and I’m glad those people were there to have that important conversation. But I want to talk about the people that weren’t there. I want to talk about showing up and speaking out for male survivors. I want to talk about accountability, masculinity, and how sexual assault is everyone’s problem.

So, let’s go back a bit and talk about masculinity.

The Man Box is an activity we do in Rebuilding Manhood to get everyone thinking about hegemonic masculinity. Hegemonic masculinity is basically society’s idea of what a man ‘should’ be and do. It’s an idea we all agree to and go along with, whether we agree with it or completely conform to it or not. Inside the Man Box, participants write words or phrases that fit within this dominant idea of masculinity, including: trucks, steak, beer, sports, outdoors, strong, confident, protector, power, leader, man up, boys don’t cry, don’t show emotion, wears the pants, provide for your family, sex with women, good at sex, and good at math and science.

Mito and Dan go over the Man Box

On the outside of the box are words and phrases used for men who step outside the limitations of the Man Box. When we do this activity, everyone is hesitant to write the words on the outside. Once a brave soul (or sometimes the facilitator) writes the first swear word, we see “bitch” “pussy” “gay” “fag” “pansy” “whipped” appear around the outside of the Man Box. The words outside the Man Box keep men trapped within the box. They are the consequences of not living up to the expectations set forth by all of us.

I talk about the Man Box because when it comes to conversations about men’s violence against women, the most common response is, “Not all men are like that.” To quote Tony Porter*, “There’s not a lot of men [perpetrating violence], but there is a lot of violence. So what is it that allows these men to do what they do in the presence of all these good men?” The answer is the Man Box.

It’s up to men to help other men get out of the man box and to discourage violent behavior. To not speak up and actively work to support women and a healthier concept of masculinity is to be complicit in the violence. It can be hard because laughing at rape joke or giving your friend the thumbs up and a condom as he guides a drunk person upstairs is part of the fee for staying in the man box. But if you’re not willing to pay the price of losing your man card to prevent rape or assault, you are part of the problem. When you say “Not All Men,” you’re giving all men a pass to say “that’s not my problem.” It is your problem.

When very few people showed interest in the What About The Men event, not only did it show how many people think sexual violence is not their problem, but it also became an example of a problem I hoped to address in the event: People don’t support male survivors in the same way as other survivors because we have a false image who and what a survivor is.

Now, let’s be real and admit survivors aren’t really supported at all. Even the “perfect victim” (i.e. a straight woman who wasn’t drunk, was dressed conservatively, didn’t know the person, didn’t consent to something else, etc etc) won’t get the support they deserve. But to society, a sexual assault survivor represents vulnerability and violation — something hegemonic masculinity just isn’t — and therefore it is totally unfathomable that a man could be survivor. At most, we can maybe comprehend boys being victimized at a young age, but not adult men. When I was doing research for the event, I found that most of the resources (like support groups and even interviews with psychologists specializing in the field) were targeted for male survivors of childhood sexual assault. None of them addressed sexual assault as an adult, and often they focused on the young age at which the assault occurred in to reassure survivors that they could still be men.

So, what? Men who experience sexual assault as an adult are no longer men? Were they never men to begin with? Are they gay now? Does sexual assault just not happen to men? No, of course not. But because we see men as always wanting sex, as powerful and strong and dominant, we can’t imagine men as survivors unless it was during childhood. We also can’t imagine that sexual assault can be perpetrated by women, but in a recent study 46% of male survivors reported a female perpetrator. Maybe we can wrap our heads around a male perpetrator, but a woman*? No way. He’s supposed to like it*.

Toxic ideas like this leave male survivors feeling isolated. Many feel like they can’t talk about it. Many don’t know they can claim words like “assault” “victim” “survivor” or “rape” to describe their experience. And if men can’t talk about rape, male survivors have nobody to speak up and say “Hey. It happened to me, too.”

We called this event “What About The Men” (if you click on just one link from this whole blog, it should be this one) because every time we or anyone else does anything about sexual assault, someone goes “Hey, men get raped too!” They’re totally right, but usually these people are using male survivors as a way to derail conversations about men as perpetrators. They’re not focusing on how toxic masculinity ignores and reprimands male survivors. They just want to absolve toxic masculinity of its responsibility for sexual violence against all genders. I wanted to use that time and space to really address that question: What About the Men?

We all need to show up more for male survivors. As much as I am upset with our community for not stepping up to be accountable for sexual assault and support male survivors, we at the Women’s Center need to be accountable too. This is the first event we’ve hosted with the focus of male survivors in the last five years, and possibly the only one ever. This is a feminist issue because the power structures of patriarchy and rape culture will continue to put men in positions of power and dominance, whether they use it against others or have it used against them. We all need to do better.

If you’re interested in more issues related to masculinity or are in search of a safe space to talk about masculinity, keep an eye out for Rebuilding Manhood and other Women’s Center programming. If you need to talk one-on-one with someone who can provide a safe and affirming environment, schedule a meeting with Jess or Megan or stop by the Women’s Center, or contact the Voices Against Violence coordinator. 

More online resources:

For Gay or Bisexual Men

Commonly Asked Questions

A final reflection from Carrie Cleveland as a undergraduate and Women’s Center staff member

In the fall of 1996, I started my college journey at Douglass College at Rutgers University.  I spent a brief three semesters at Rutgers, mostly floundering around and hating my choice of major (pre-business).  In December of 1997, I left college and began working at Starbucks.  I managed to support myself, but barely.  I spent a few years at Starbucks, but knew that this was not what I wanted to do with my life.

When I decided to leave the retail/restaurant world, I had a hard time finding another job that would pay me a living wage.  I was told that my lack of college degree made me “highly unemployable” in the words of one recruiter.   It was then that I tried to get back to school.  I could never figure out how to pay for it and cover my living expenses.  I had no idea what I was doing in terms of financial aid and loans.  I never asked for help. I just kept on working low paying jobs that had no professional opportunities for growth and thought I would go back to school later.

Time passed. I got married and had a baby.  We then picked up and moved from New Jersey to Maryland.  In my new home, I felt isolated with a husband who worked A LOT, a newborn baby to care for, and no nearby family or friends.  I convinced my husband that it would be a good idea for me to go back to school, even if it was just to have some social interaction with people who could form complete sentences.

In the fall of 2007, I re-started my college journey at Anne Arundel Community College.  I still had no idea what I wanted to be when I *grew up* (mind you, I was almost 30 at the time), but I walked through the door thinking I would get my general education credits done and figure it out from there.  In the meantime, I  would go on to have another baby, find my calling (social work), graduate from AACC, and have ANOTHER baby.

While my story is uniquely me, it isn’t necessarily a unique story. More and more students non-traditional students are enrolling in college. In fact, you’ll often hear the phrase that the non-traditional student is the new traditional student. Even though our numbers are increasing, the barriers we face as non-traditional students have yet to be diminished (even though the Women’s Center Returning Women Students Scholars Program is working hard to support us!). The American Association of University Women released a report about women in community colleges a few years ago that outlines the many barriers that non-traditional women students face when returning to school.  One of those barriers is child care which definitely reflects my own experiences.  It was easier to be in school and manage child care at the community college level and I really had no idea how challenging it would get when I would leave community college and transfer to a four-year institution.  Looking back over the past several years, I feel like I spent just as much time arranging child care as I did writing papers…..  But I digress.

That brings me to UMBC.  Four years ago, in the fall of 2012, I started what would be my “last stop” on my undergraduate journey.  I cannot believe that I am standing here today, so close to graduation.  It has taken me 9 years of continuously being enrolled in school to get to this day.  As I think about graduating, it seems unfathomable that my time here is done.  I always knew I would finish school, but it always felt so far away.  Now, it just feels SO real and VERY bittersweet.

When I walk across that stage tomorrow, my three daughters and my husband will see what is the culmination of all of our hard work.  I say “our” because I may have done the academic work but they were all there supporting me.  My kids have no idea what it is like to have a mom who is not in college.  I also have an entire village of other moms who have schlepped my kids across town, or to dance class, swimming or Girl Scouts so I could be in class or field placement or write a paper.  I have friends who have watched my kids on snow days or the inevitable days when their schedule just did not match with mine. I feel like they have all earned this degree. They say it takes a village to raise a child. I say it take a village to get a mom through college.

Thank goodness for talented friends who design your cap so your kids can find you in a sea of graduates!

I had an amazing four years.  I will leave UMBC with not only a degree, but with four years of experiences that I did not think were possible for a non-traditional student.  I was able to become involved with BreakingGround and do work that I really enjoyed.  I found a job at the Women’s Center where my unique experiences were considered an asset as a student staff member.  I made some great friends, both traditional and non-traditional students.  I am going to miss UMBC.  Good thing my daughter has a swim meet here in a few weeks.  That is the life of a mom, right?

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Congrats to all of UMBC’s non-tradiation students graduating on May 19th to include a very special shout out to the graduating students in the Women’s Center’s Returning Women Students Scholars Program!

To read more about Carrie and her experience at UMBC, check out the Baltimore Sun’s Class of 2016 Graduate Profiles! 

Beginning May 23, 2016 and running through the end of August, the Women's Center will be operating under limited hours and the Center may be closed during times that UMBC community members need access to the lactation room.

In order to ensure access to this safe and private space for nursing parents, the Women's Center is partnering with the Commons CIC. If you plan on using the lactation room over the summer, please contact Jess Myers (jessm@umbc.edu, 410-455-2714) for details and next steps. 

A reflection written by Women’s Center staff member, MJ Jalloh Jamboria

The following is a little of my experience as a queer Muslim person. I recognize that my experience is not reflective of Islam, nor of the community of people I met at the Interfaith Center.

For the first time since last Eid al-Fitr, a Muslim holy holiday, I went to Jumu’ah (congregational Friday prayer). I met a person on campus who extended a warm hand and invited me to prayer which took place at the Interfaith Center. I was both excited and terrified for a plethora of reasons. I was excited to sit amongst my sisters, to rejoin the community I had left behind me as I entered college, and to listen to the guest Sheik that was invited to give the khutbah, the congregational sermon.

In the days leading up to the Friday prayer, all I could talk about was how excited I was that I finally had a friend to go to Jumu’ah with. I quickly realized, I had no idea how to be practicing Muslim anymore. I was once a Sunday school teacher and was really quite good at incorporating Islamic teachings into my life. However, since the start of college, I hadn’t really thought about being religious. I am not hijabi, a woman who wears hijab full-time. I’m not even a woman! I sometimes eat gelatin (oops!) and I don’t think I own a single piece of ‘modest’ clothing. I am a fat, queer, shorts and T-shirt wearing, ‘you kiss your mother with that mouth?’ swearing, mess of a person! Muslim people can be all of these things, but in prayer there are certain rules we must submit to. The expectation for women is to stand in a section separate from men, covered in appropriate prayer attire and hair and neck wrapped in a veil. The thought of completing some of these actions made me nervous. 

Friday came and I finally decided upon an outfit that was appropriate, picked a hijab and walked over to the Interfaith Center. The prayer went well, I loved the khutbah (the sermon given by the person who leads prayer, usually the Sheik) and I felt like was I finally home. Even though I had only spent an afternoon with these sisters, I knew I found a community of women who understood and loved me. In fact, the khutbah before the prayer was almost serendipitous. The Sheik recited a line about friendship. He reminded the congregation that we should all find friends that we love purely for God’s sake. With the women that surrounded me, I felt I finally found the very friends the Sheik was talking about.

Despite all of the affirmation I felt in the space, I was (and am) still challenged by the fact that a large part of my identity has to be put on hold to enter into this space of prayer. Since high school, simple and arbitrary gender markers have been instrumental in the way that I’ve been able to present my identity. My name, the way I dress and talk, even the way I wear my hair have become the only way I can really be non-normative and express who I am. As I got ready for prayer that morning, I felt like I was hiding and changing who I am. I had to find clothes that weren’t form-fitting and that covered my body. I put on a hijab and while I love what hijab represents, it too plays a role in covering up important parts of my identity. I’ve been growing my locs for the past 2 years and they’ve become a prized familial tradition I don’t want to hide. But, both the hijab and the clothes were material. Whenever I was asked my name, I cringed as I introduced myself as Sister Mariam as opposed to “MJ.” I love my birthname. I love the woman I am named after and I love the religious significance of my name. But, I hate lying. I am no longer Mariam. I am not the pious Sunday school teacher anymore. I’m MJ, a queer, potty-mouth, music-loving, dances in their underwear kind of person who also happens to be Muslim.

While it would be easier to just not stress over being called by my birthname and changing my appearance, I think I owe it to myself to look for a space where all of my identities are acknowledged and valued and allowed to intersect. I’ve previously felt like I had to filter parts of myself to fit into certain spaces. In queer and feminist spaces, I’ve felt a disconnect from my religion. While in Muslim settings I’m forced back into the closet. It’s important to find communities and spaces where all of our identities and embodiments are acknowledged, valued, and perhaps even loved!

I have yet to return to the Interfaith Center. Two weeks have gone by, and instead of joining the congregation, I steal glances as I pass the Center on my way to The Commons. I haven’t decided whether or not I’ll be going to another Friday prayer just yet. I want to be among my sisters again, but not at the cost of other parts of my identity that I’ve worked so hard to be able to express.

For more on practicing and incorporating intersectionality into our lives and feminism, check out Why Our Feminism Must Be Intersectional (And 3 Ways to Practice It) from Everyday Feminism.

And, to read another person’s experience related to intersectional feminism and her Muslim identity, read Maha Saleem’s reflection on AAUW’s blog. 

Meagé Clements

A blog reflection written by Women’s Center student staff member Meagé Clements 

Growing up, my mother would always remind my sister and I that we had to work twice as hard as everyone else because not only were we women, but we were Black women. Living in a society that has always had low expectations of us, a society where we are confined to various stereotypes and generalizations, it has always been important for us to excel above and beyond the expectations of others. We applied her advice, made the honor roll and the dean’s list numerous times, pursued membership in honors programs and honor societies, yet we continued to question if any of these things would even matter in the long run. Would we still be subjected to the glass ceiling and other barriers that would prevent us from reaching the top because of our gender and race?

As I approach my final weeks of being an undergraduate and I’m frantically trying to plan every detail of my adult life after grad school, I find myself returning to this question more and more. At a recent Women of Color Coalition meeting, I learned that this constant questioning and self-doubt is called “Imposter Syndrome.”

Despite earning the grades and being just as qualified, if not more qualified than many of my peers, I doubted myself and whether I truly belonged and I continued to try and find ways to prove that to myself and others. During the meeting, I found that I was not alone in this sentiment, and that this was something that nearly everyone experienced; however, this persistent self-doubt impacts women of color differently for a number of reasons. 

In spaces where there aren’t many other women of color, we’re imposed upon by others’ perceptions of us being a “diversity hire” or a product of affirmative action, rather than attributing our successes to our own doing. Consequently, even when our accomplishments result from our own hard work, we still feel inadequate.  

Personally, these feelings of inadequacy have resulted in me becoming a bit of a perfectionist. I remember the countless times I’ve gone above and beyond others’ standards when it wasn’t necessary. I remember all the all-nighters I’ve pulled completing tasks that should’ve only taken an hour. I remember completing entire assignments, only to start over because I felt they weren’t good enough. Although perfectionism and imposter syndrome are often discussed in regards to academics, I’ve found that these concepts have also applied to my personal life.

My experiences have also brought to my attention the ideal of effortless perfectionism, a term used to describe the pressures of being able to roll out of bed and be “flawless” with little to no effort. Having perfect skin, a perfect body, and perfect grades without even trying. These pressures are largely placed on women and further perpetuate gendered beauty stereotypes and expectations that are often very unrealistic. As a Black woman, I find myself constantly caught between exceeding the low expectations others have for me because of my race and gender and the high (and at times unrealistic) expectations I have for myself, a recipe for exhaustion and unhappiness.

After learning the hard way, I’ve come to realize that all of these things: others’ expectations, stereotypes, and misconceptions, didn’t matter as much as me being happy with myself and what I’ve accomplished. While I know these are lot easier said than done, I’ve found a few tips that I have begun to implement in my own life and will continue to work on. From a number of resources, I found the following common tips particularly helpful with working to overcome imposter syndrome and perfectionism:

1. Talk to yourself like you would to your best friend.

One of my sorority sisters said this to me once when I was going through a really rough time, and it has resonated with me ever since. She mentioned how we tend to be positive and encouraging when talking about other people’s accomplishments, yet we’re often hypercritical of ourselves. I’m not always the most outspoken about how I’m feeling, although this is something I’ve started working on and will to continue to incorporate into how I talk about myself.

“That’s not who I am. I’m a smart, strong, sensual woman.”

Part of this advice includes learning to compliment yourself. Learn to shower yourself with praise, approval, and compliments like you would to your best friend. In the Women’s Center, we have ‘Leslie Knope Awards’ that the staff members give to one another, and there’s one in particular that we are encouraged to award ourselves (see below). This has been especially difficult for many of us because this often an afterthought, but it’s important to give yourself credit where it’s due and to acknowledge when you’re doing a good job.

“I am big enough to admit I am often inspired by myself.”

2. Learn that it’s okay to ‘take up space.’

This is especially applicable to any women of color experiencing imposter syndrome or feelings of not belonging. It can be very difficult to feel a sense of belongingness when you are the only person of color in your class, academic program, or career. Speaking from experience, I know plenty of times where I’ve let myself fade into the background because I didn’t want to draw attention to myself or because I didn’t feel that I belonged. I’ve gradually been working on finding my voice and allowing myself to take up space. I’ve learned that I do not need any affirmation from anyone else to know that I was meant to be here, and I have something valuable to contribute.

People’s opportunities and accomplishments are shaped by more than just their own merit, of course; as such, it’s important to always be mindful of how our various privileged and marginalized identities shape our experiences. That said, for women of color who often have their agency and worth erased or minimized, it can be a radical act to unapologetically take up the space that we’re often denied.

“I am very good at what I do. I am better at it than anybody else.”

3) Just do it.

Instead of living in the fear of not being good enough, just do it. Be open to trying and learning new things, even if you think you won’t be good at it — you might just surprise yourself! Face down your feelings of doubt by ‘faking it until you make it.’ We may not always feel like the best thing since sliced bread, but encouraging ourselves to take on these challenges can help offer motivation without becoming focused on how we do (or don’t) compare to others. 

“Do it. Fierce. Power.”

I know each of these tips are easier said than done, but it’s important to engage in self-care, be kind to yourself, and acknowledge the great person that you are. I’m no expert and this is definitely something I’m going to be continuously working on. However, I can say that as I’ve practiced this tips and others, I’ve felt a lot better about myself and my accomplishments.

I’m learning each day that I deserve to be here, I belong here, and I’m going to continue to do great things.