Everyone has had them: moments when things have gone wrong partly because of our own lack of experience or perspective. In this new series of posts, I'm asking members of the UMBC community to reflect on their own 'super human moments.'
A: I started dating *John* my senior year of college. John and I had a very close friendship, enjoyed so many of the same interests/hobbies, and he taught me how to play guitar. I was the “good girl” all my life, and he was a “bad boy” of sorts who kept me intrigued and eventually got me hooked. I am not a fighter, but oh, how we fought. Typical unhealthy relationship, where one is hopelessly in love with the other who hurts you, but you keep pressing on because “next time, the promises won’t be broken”. I thought, at the time, he had all the qualities I ever hoped for in a partner (along with some negative ones I would’ve never pre-selected, but not everyone’s perfect). I compromised my standards, my relationship with my family, my own intuition, and that little voice inside trying to shout at me -- we got engaged.
The conflict from all sides increased. In the climactic height of a typical ‘misunderstanding’, John removed the ring from my finger in a fit of rage. At that moment, he tore out my heart, but it had long ago been chipped to pieces. He was sorry…again. But his act in momentary loss of control was the defining act that pushed me to seize the ground he accidentally provided. His last mistake was my out. Could I have done it on my own?... The agony ensued for months, but John was gone from my life. And that’s the shortest version of that chapter of my life I have ever shared.
I had mixed responses to the end of my engagement, a time in my life that I had been dreaming and praying about for many years. All I wanted was to find “the one”, get married, and raise a lovely family. On one hand, I was miserable and suffering, grieving at the loss of those hopes and plans --- how could I ever find all I wanted in another person? On the other hand, my logical and grounded side of me (along with the tremendous support of my family and friends) knew that this was a huge trial to grow from and I would move past it. During the relationship, I could see what was unhealthy, but I set it aside. As the troubled weeks passed after the engagement ended, I began to identify the emotional and mental abuse and the manipulation that I allowed myself to endure because of my codependency on my partner. I had difficulty being independent, and I don’t mean being single. I was so selfless with my heart, emotions, strength, and energy that I had none left for myself. I was empty. I had to learn to take care of and understand the inner me in order to healthily give of myself to others. Strengthening and growing the inner me allows me to pursue what I’m passionate about – caring for and building up others.
A: In the months following the culmination of our relationship, my family and friends, a professional counselor, and hours upon hours of self reflection, thoughtful contemplation, and prayer helped me understand this: in order to help anybody else, I had to help myself get better first. I am still growing each and every day in this area. I have discovered what excites and fulfills taking care of the inner me! With a stronger, independent self, I am getting better and better at serving others in healthy, developmental ways. Also, more times than I can count on my two hands I have been able to share my difficult story to shed some light for others journeying through their own difficult stories. I know I will be able to do that for the rest of my life, even for my own future children (fingers crossed). It’s true – everything happens for a reason (whether you ever come to understand that reason or not).
A: Relationship violence is not only so hard to watch when you see it in others; it is very hard to get out of when you are the one in the unhealthy romantic relationship. Listen – to your gut and to those who care about you. Know and understand who you are and what you stand for. In turn, you will be better equipped to make healthy decisions for yourself and be better able to impact loved ones and strangers with all your strong, awesome self has to offer!
