Recent advancements in slacker technology have allowed UMBC students to pay for Papa Johns pizza using Flex dollars. As a new study shows, this innovation has ravaged bank accounts, leaving the local economy in a state of utter desperation. Three thousand randomly selected UMBC students were interviewed, reporting an average of $5,000 per week per capita spent on Papa Johns products, nearly twice the cost of in-state tuition. Economists predict that this sudden interest in Italian cuisine could possibly bankrupt the Mesquite Grill, a “popular” barbecue “restaurant” located on UMBC campus. “It's not like we'd be losing anything of value” says Chemistry major Leon Alpern, from atop his homemade throne of pizza boxes, “Except the thousands of dollars we've been spending on fucking pizza”.
In a recent interview, C.E.O. John Schnatter called Arbutus-area profit margins as “fuckin savage”. An anonymous manger to the Arbutus Papa Johns described his pizza as “on fleek”, and told us that fourth quarter sales projections were “dank af”. Additional marketing studies suggest that the recent sales influx is partially due to increasing popularity of the “Double Cheeseburger Pizza”, particularly in extra large sizes. Because of the product's success, Papa Johns executives are rumored to be releasing new pizzas exclusive to the Arbutus-area. Popular suggestions from local patrons include “Triple Cheeseburger” and “Donut-Bacon Breakfast Supreme”. Managers to local Pizza Hut and Dominoes branches were not reachable for comment, as was UMBC president Freeman Habrowski.