As fall progresses and the looming deadline of the Common Application draws near, the sound of pro-UMBC peppiness and the nervous shuffling of upcoming freshman can be heard across campus. Oh boy -- it's the tour groups. Now, we all know what's being said to these kids is the most optimistic bullshit you'll ever hear, but it's all for the benefit of the upcoming freshmen. We wouldn't want them to decide they want to go to Towson, would we? That aside, we should all try our best to make UMBC seem as appealing as possible, and the best way to do that is to look like you've got your shit together in front of these tour groups. Here are some ways you can do this:
1: Wipe those tears and hold your head up high. Conduct yourself in a manner that says, "Hey, I'm a mentally stable human being and didn't just cry after class." We're all losers on the inside, but now's not the best time to show it.
2: Carry around a Starbucks drink or a large fry from Chick-fil-A whenever a tour group draws near. This will help you assert your false sense of financial stability to prove to those parents and kids that college won't really drain your wallet.
3: Have a textbook or two with you to show that UMBC students are on top of their classwork and are prepared. Yes, we know all you need for class is a worn-down golf pencil and a sheet of paper, but parents want to be assured their kids’ classes will require a little effort.
4: Talk loudly about all of your nonexistent extracurricular activities. Parents love extracurricular activities.
5: Don't make faces at the construction. It shows that you're dissatisfied with the progress of the school and makes you seem bitter. After all, we are up-and-coming... And have been for a while now... Who knows when we'll get there.
Take these suggestions into consideration and you'll be looking like a competent, responsible student worthy of representing UMBC in the eyes of upcoming freshies and their parents.
- Medium Kell