A group of scientists in the area of Cape Town (which should totally host the next Comic-Con, dudes) are currently spearheading a project to bring back the recently extinct, but nonetheless glorious and world-famous… quagga.
The quagga was a cousin of sorts to the zebra, an animal which gets its name from its females’ absolutely bonkers chest measurements. While the zebra is black with white— sorry, white with black stripes, the quagga is distinct in that only its front half is white and black; the back half is entirely brown. And whereas the zebra’s stripes allow for a herd of zebras to appear as one indistinguishable mass, it seems the quagga opted for a different strategy after being told a funny joke around the zebra watering hole: they just wear brown pants so no one can tell when they get scared shitless.
‘The Return of Quagga Genetics’ is not the title of yet another Phantom Menace fan-fic. This is actually happening in real life, thanks to the scientists’ role in selectively breeding zebras. Specimens with the preferred traits are encouraged to mate with each other in order to have desirable offspring… alright, who copy/pasted Mein Kampf into my story?
This project is not without its detractors, most notably among the zebra community. “They were… I mean, they were fucking extinct, dude, let ‘em have that. It’s a real disgrace, ya know, taking all that away from ‘em,” said test subject Z-Brah. Others argue that the scientists have not actually managed to recreate the quagga itself, which can’t really ever be brought back, in accordance with the common belief that a zebra never changes its stripes. Still others have different concerns regarding the quagga, which, once their number reaches 50 in total, are to live together in the same preserve. When asked for his thoughts on the matter, Chris Pratt gloomily stared out of a window and murmured, “You just went and made a new zebra? Probably not a good idea.”
Otto Fellatio can speak to zebras. What else do you want to know?