Imagine a swirling vortex of darkness, oozing out of a hole in the floor. Many holes, not all in the floor. Unidentifiable matter along with unfortunately recognizable pieces of the past come flowing by you, similar to how you felt during finals last year. Like you’re about to throw up and gag from the horror.
This was Poopageddon. Appearing on two separate days over the past two weeks, this crap attack covered the floors. If this has happened to you, we here at MBC News would like to shake your hand for surviving. After, of course, liberal amounts of hand sanitizer and Febreeze.
But really, if you experienced Poopageddon, it wasn’t your fault. No, the culprit has been found and we are VERY disappointed in you. How do you think your mother feels? Embarrased? Fearful? She should be fearful. Yeah that’s right, we’re talking to YOU.
As a result of this horrible event, ResLife Facilities has put up posters, describing what you can and cannot flush down a UMBC toilet. A full list can be found in every bathroom stall, but it can be summarized as following: “If it’s not TP, poop, or pee, please let our toilets be!” That means no condoms, phones, baby wipes, red cards, drug paraphernalia, etc. can be flushed on campus. If any of these items are found blocking the pipes, your friendly neighborhood MA’s will find the owner, and leave the offending items in their bed. Remember that scene in the Godfather with the horse head? Yeah. It’s gonna be like that.