As the 2016 presidential election is coming along, UMBC itself has also been in the midst of a great power overhaul. President Hrabowski faces a new opponent: a longtime trazillionaire, Ronald Dump. Dump has been a crucial force in the United States, rivaling contemporaries such as Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and Mark Zuckerberg. But “rival” barely describes his power as he blows them all out of the water with a net worth of 3 gazillion dollars. Dump is such a force of nature that you probably haven’t even heard of him or seen his grandeur. This is because he enjoys racking up that cash money in such secrecy that nobody else will be able to figure out his ways.
Why UMBC, you ask? In the past few years, UMBC made the top five “Up-and-Coming Universities” list and Dump saw all the great potential (read: cash money) in this school. Ronald Dump has graciously bulldozed his way into UMBC and has grand plans to recreate what once was beautiful.
Dump’s platform is simple: “Make UMBC Great Again”. You might be asking when it was great. That time, my friend, was before Freeman Hrabowski was president in 1992. Dump wants to undo Hrabowski’s years of hard work and even change it up to make sure that this school doesn’t have to be “politically correct” or filled with “fat pigs” and “thugs”.
In an exclusive interview with MBC News, Ronald Dump shares his ideas on future projects. He plans to “build a great, great wall” around campus and make the commuters pay for this wall before kicking them all out.
“They can go back to where they came from. UMBC doesn’t need them coming in and out and around and whatever,” Dump says. “They don’t even live here!”
While the wall is being built and the commuters relocated to another university (or just forced out of higher education), out-of-state students will be mandated to wear a badge that outs them. “This way, we can all know who doesn’t have their own personal Old Bay or Natty Boh shrine,” Dump elaborates, being a native Marylander himself from Boonsboro.
We can all say that Ronald Dump has some pretty progressive ideas that could seriously oppose Hrabowski’s throne. When MBC News asked the student body for some thoughts on the coup, most students had no idea what we were talking about. Only one student, coincidentally also from Boonsboro, defends Dump wholeheartedly and believes UMBC is in need for this radical change, no matter what the costs.As we continue to cover this matter, please tread carefully around campus and don’t forget to praise the Crab Gods tonight or you might get the boot from Dump himself.