Over the course of 12 grueling hours this past Friday evening into Saturday morning, UMBC was faced with a disaster the likes of which no freshman has ever seen and which everyone else is kinda used to in some form or other by this point: Many facilities on UMBC campus, residence halls included, had their water access shut off, due to a “major water line issue”. No word as to whether this emergency shutoff is linked to the filling of the UMBC faculty pool, which was scheduled to occur over the weekend according to confidential emails intercepted by… alright, listen, kids. You’re in college now, you should know: sometimes it’s okay not to cite your sources.
Wait, I’m receiving word now that UMBC campus was actually to be the site of Flint, Michigan 2.0 before UMBC was forced to shut down the water. Huh. I knew how badly UMBC wanted to be considered “Baltimore”, but I never suspected they’d willingly expose children to lead just to prove they’ve got it in them. Major props.
And, before we get any further, I know what you’re all probably thinking: This sounds like Otto Fellatio, a man I have grown to respect and trust for bringing me the latest developments in the realm of world news, as is suggestive of his foreign name. Well, yes, I do like to consider myself a world news specialist, and thank you for your support, all those of you out there who I have constructed for this example. Let me clarify: this certainly is a world problem. Allow me to explain.
Mercury, being the first world away from the Sun, is worlds-renowned for having highly variable temperatures and no atmosphere. Venus, next world on the list, earns the distinction of having the longest rotation period of any planet in the Solar System. But Earth, our third world from the Sun, is unique in that it is the H-to-the-ometown of H2O. And it’s kind of a big deal here, too, being a necessary condition for human life and whatnot. So, here on Earth, the third world away from the Sun, what happened this past Friday was a serious problem. Just to reiterate, for about as much time as they were all going to be sleeping anyway, the residents here at UMBC had to deal with a legitimate third-world problem.
Interviews with affected residents around campus seem to reveal this general sentiment. “I was trying to drink some water. And like, I couldn’t,” said freshman Robotany major Violet Ultra. Her roommate, an art student with a focus in Photo Synthesis, added, “The whole ordeal made me want to vomit. But there was no water, so I just had to dry heave a lot.”
Other students shared their excessive annoyance through other means, following a new up-and-coming trend called “social media”, in which youth “emoji” each other and try to get the most “followers” on their “yaks”. Multiple students turned to Yik-Yak, Twitter, and Facebook to vent their assuredly valid opinions. Unfortunately, none of them are fit to quote here, because they would ultimately lower the quality of this article. We’re a news reporting agency, for fuck’s sake. Speaking of which, make sure to like our myUMBC page and follow us on Facebook and Mixcloud!
Otto Fellatio doesn’t make the news; he just reports it. He’d… really like to make the news, though. He can only go unrecognized for so long... he may soon turn to violent crime as a last resort.