UMBC’s now-infamous news organization MBC News has made quite a presence for itself over the course of a couple short semesters. During this time, rival campus news organization The Retriever Weekly has grown territorial. According to insider information, talks of retaliation have been circulating the dusty hole in the wall that is The Retriever Weekly. Why a turf war should arise over such a dimly-lit English major crematorium is beyond me, but I don’t go looking for sense out of those people to begin with. Well, fine. If they want a war, they’ll get one. The UMBC community will learn to shudder at the mention of MBC News (Editor’s note: “shudder” here has a much different meaning than that of the shuddering often inspired by Retriever Weekly news stories).
UMBC has long been home to The Retriever Weekly, whose name is derived from the breed of UMBC’s mascot (Chesapeake Bay Retriever) and the manner in which their journalists write (weakly). Despite their overall poor quality – eh, let’s make that lack of quality altogether – we at MBC News are confident that their bark is STILL worse than their bite. So we’re taking the opportunity to bark first. Let’s see if they’ll bite.
The writing at Retriever Weekly really sucks, as has already been mentioned numerous times, to great comedic effect. This isn’t a major drawback for the organization, though. How badly do you need to care about the quality of your writing when you’re taken less seriously than your parody news counterpart? A source from one of UMBC’s many Greek ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’ chapters notes that, “When we [in AA] feel the urge to drink again, we just go check out a rack of Retriever Weekly newspapers and try to guess how many [of the papers] have been picked up, as a sort of drinking game. It’s pretty effective in keeping sober, cause we know the answer is always zero.”
Now, for those of you out there that consider yourselves fans of The Retriever Weekly, let’s have some fun with an interactive segment of the show we like to call “Fuck You Too”. You remember the game “2 Truths, 1 Lie”? Yes you do, your brain hasn’t developed since high school. Well, we’re going to play a similar game here for you right now. We’re going to give you two real Retriever Weekly articles from over the weekend, and one fake one. See if you can spot the phony:
Despite the low ticket sales, Nicholas Sparks newest movie adaptation "The Choice" isn’t a bad movie
Here are our top five favorite shoes worn in the NBA’s all-star game, what are your favorites?
"Teen Wolf" proves to be more than just a television show about teenage werewolves
Think you got it? I hope you like trick questions (I sure do). All three of the aforementioned articles were published by Retriever Weekly. Yes, I’m serious. Yes. I am. Fine, look it up yourself. We’re only the news, here to do the research for you, but if you insist on formulating your own opinions and justifying them with your own investigations… well, damn. Good on you. Way to show me up, former Retriever Weekly consumer. Godspeed, you majestic creature. And please come back so you can tell me who to vote for.
Written in loving memory of Sam Manas.
Otto Fellatio would like to clarify on behalf of MBC News that all characters appearing in the previous sentence are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead on the inside, is purely coincidental.