For years now UMBC Transit has received a veritable torrent of complaints about the shortcomings of its busing system. The student body has long thought that these complaints fell on deaf ears, as despite the running of numerous and poorly attended “outreach” meetings put on by representatives from the university, the system itself remained untouched. Until now, that is.
Starting this semester UMBC Transit has announced the introduction of new “Invisibusses.” These busses, they claim, are ultra-high tech and are totally invisible and intangible. In a press release delivered this weekend the university highlighted specific complaints about the previous system and explained how this new system addressed them.
According to the release, “no longer will students have to watch as a bus arrives 15 minutes early to a stop, and then speed away as they desperately sprint across the inner harbor to catch it. Nor will they have to watch as they wait patiently at the designated stop at the designated time, only for the bus to just kind of pretend they don’t exist, continuing along its merry way. With the Invisibus one cannot see or otherwise perceive its existence, making being abandoned at least 23% less depressing.”
The release goes on to address other concerns, specifically on the topic of a drive to the airport being akin to “a drive through Fallujah in 2004.” According to the release, “with the Invisibus, the drive is now smoother than glass, in fact it will feel as though you were not riding anything at all, and were, in fact, in hypothermic shock after waiting for hours at a bus stop in the ice and snow.”
The Invisibus is also carbon neutral.
On top of replacing the bus fleet, UMBC Transit has also increased service to several over-taxed lines; adding a bus at “25 o’clock” to the Arbutus/Irvington Route, a bus at “The Witching Hour” to the Downtown Route, and a bus “Literally Never” to the Route 40/Rolling Road Route.
After this announcement, MBC News managed to secure an exclusive interview with the UMBC Transit Executive of Outreach, Jordan Abordine. After waiting in his office for close to three hours, he appeared cradling a near-empty container of box wine with a wild look in his eye. We attempted an interview, but as we approached he attacked an intern with a stapler. While we were withdrawing, he took the chance to dive out the window, screaming about how “everyone already commutes anyways.”