No Child Left Behind, Left Behind?

Transcript

MICHEL MARTIN, host:

I'm Michel Martin. This is TELL ME MORE from NPR News.

Just ahead: two New York women wanted to help out after Hurricane Katrina. We'll find out how their efforts took on Olympic proportions. But first, it's time for a regular visit with one of our Culture Coaches.

Today, you're marrying him? Wedding season is around the corner. Brides and grooms will be blushing their way down aisles across America. So what better time to ask an expert about what you might need to know if you're heading to commitment with a person from a different racial or ethnic background? We got this idea from our friends at East West magazine. The April/May issue has a feature called "To Hug or Not to Hug," about how to handle that all-important meeting with the parents.

And joining us now from Phoenix is Anita Malik. She is editor of East West magazine. And from her office in Poughkeepsie, New York, we're pleased to be joined by Lubna Somjee, a psychologist. She's quoted in the article. Thanks for being here, ladies.

Ms. ANITA MALIK (Editor, East West Magazine): Hi. How are you?

Dr. LUBNA SOMJEE (Psychologist): Thank you.

MARTIN: Anita, why did you commission this article? You must have been hearing about this from readers, or perhaps from personal experience?

Ms. MALIK: A little bit of both. Actually, simply put, interracial marriages and couplings are growing at a very increasing rate. And we tend to focus on that a lot with the magazine, but had never done anything where, how do you deal with this in - within your own family and with your parents? And that was something were are hearing from readers that, you know, it's great to know that the statistics are there and that this is happening, but how do we deal with it in our own lives with our own unique circumstances?

MARTIN: And Dr. Somjee, you are offering some tips - or you offered some tips in the magazine. But in the years in which you have been practicing you've worked with couples around this issues, are there some classic cultural clashes that you've seen?

Dr. SOMJEE: Yes. I mean, I've definitely seen some classic cultural clashes, although many times people have been able to sort of work through them. One of the classic issues is when neither parties have, sort of, prepped themselves for what to expect when they meet the parents. They think they have, but they really haven't - although most of the time those meetings have gone fairly well in spite of.

MARTIN: Is that really the case? I just wonder whether over the course of your practice, do most of the couples who come to you - do they eventually stay together, or do you see couples breaking up because of these differences?

Dr. SOMJEE: Most of the couples I see do stay together, but I would not say that it was very rare that some couples would break up. For example, a young couple I worked with had an interracial union and met each other's families. And it wasn't until they met each other's families that it sort of punctuated for them how different their backgrounds were. And they come home and for the first time had a much more serious, in-depth discussion of how their culture impacts their everyday life and realized how different their views were on a lot of things. And unfortunately for that couple, those differences were irreconcilable.

MARTIN: Anita, you mentioned in the article - I'm sorry, which I know you didn't write, but you know, you edited it - that in every culture, meeting the parents can be, kind of, fraught with anxiety. But in the Asian culture, in couples in which there are maybe an Asian or Asian-American, it can be particularly stressful. Why is that?

Ms. MALIK: Asian immigrant parents typically have a very set view of who their children should marry. It's a different type of relationship, but every family has their own traditions, and sometimes a lot of that becomes very, very specific to what the parents want. And it's just a very different child-parent relationship, and so it gets a little bit more tricky. And so it can be difficult.

MARTIN: What was some of the scenarios that were described in the article that you want to talk about?

Ms. MALIK: Well, one, you know…

MARTIN: I thought it was hilarious, actually.

Ms. MALIK: It was. There's a lot of humor to this, too. And I think that's the important lesson is that you need to be able to also laugh at yourself when you make - you're going to make faux pas when you meet the parents. But the title of the piece actually comes from one scenario where both parts of the couple were Asian, from two different countries. And one family was very warm - the parents wanted to hug everybody. And the other family couldn't really handle the hugs. And so that became an issue and - between the couple, and they finally came to a point where they said, well, this is how my family is going to be and this is how your family is going to be. And they're going to have to work it out.

MARTIN: So Dr. Somjee, help us here. In a situation like that, where the parents are meeting for the first time, what advice do you offer to make it go smoothly? Or maybe making it go smoothly isn't the whole point of the thing, just to be honest. I don't know. Tell us.

Dr. SOMJEE: When you're meeting someone's family, knowing what their ethnic background is or their racial background or religion - obviously, it's important but it's only a first basic step. And really, the most important thing to understand is, what is that family's relationship to each of those cultural variables? Otherwise, you kind of get on a slippery slope in terms of making assumptions to stereotyping.

MARTIN: So how would that information best be acquired? Do you try to be very explicit with a partner and say, all right, are your parents huggers or not? Will they expect me to bring a present? If so, what kind?

Dr. SOMJEE: There's a couple ways to do that. One is, do you get a sense of what the expectations of the meeting are from your significant other? Is it going to be a casual or formal get-together? But the other piece of that is your significant other is often steeped in their own culture, so things that maybe commonplace to them, they may not even think to tell you. And I think one of the best ways to get information from your significant other is through storytelling. Try to have your significant other tell you stories that illustrate different occasions in your family or different traditions in a family.

MARTIN: I have an email that I wanted to share with both of you ladies. And it says, this might be a good question for your coach. I just had a second date with a lovely, professional woman who was born and raised in Sapporo, Japan. She now works in the same East Coast city that I do. Our third date is this weekend. I'm a professional, African-American man.

What should I know about the Asian approach to dating? Is there such a thing? The first date ended in her bowing. When in Rome, I thought, so I bowed too. The second date ended in a warm hug and a smile, so I hugged her and smiled back. So far, so good, I'm thinking. We're able to talk for hours, but what do I need to keep in mind?

So, who wants to start? Anita - common scenario among your readers?

Ms. MALIK: Yeah, I think so. Apparently, she's a little bit more traditional. It sounds like she's actually - has emigrated from Japan, and not necessarily born here. So in that case, I think he just really needs to ask her. But I would also speak to her about how her family would feel ahead of time.

MARTIN: Interesting. Dr. Somjee, what do you think?

Dr. SOMJEE: Part of it depends on, are you dating to date, or are you dating to marry? Because if someone is, you know, asked that question and scared off by it, at least you know where they are in terms of their dating and what they want from it.

MARTIN: So when - what I'm hearing you say is ask the question sooner rather than later.

Dr. SOMJEE: Absolutely.

MARTIN: I'm so glad I'm married.

(Soundbite of laughter)

Ms. MALIK: Yeah. Hard, isn't it?

MARTIN: It is hard. You all have my respect. Dr. Somjee, I understand that you are also interculturally married. If it's not too personal, can you offer us any guidelines from you personal experience?

Dr. SOMJEE: Yes. I've been married and in a relationship with my husband for about 10 years. He is white, and I am South Asian. And I actually come from a community where arranged marriages are absolutely still the norm. So when my husband was to meet my parents, I prepped myself and I prepped my parents.

MARTIN: What about persons perhaps who weren't welcomed so warmly into the fold? How would you advise them to move beyond that?

Dr. SOMJEE: One thing is, you know, you may have an opportunity to meet the family again and again. And if so, take advantage of those opportunities by getting to know them better. You know, unfortunately, there may be some families who ultimately say, you know what? We cannot do this.

No matter how nice you may be, no matter how much we like you in general, this is not something we can accept in our family. And at this point, you as a couple have to decide whether you're willing to take the risk, and those are hard questions you will have to ask yourself before you even start this process.

MARTIN: But hard questions that have to be asked.

Dr. SOMJEE: Yeah.

MARTIN: Thank you so much. That's Lubna Somjee, a psychologist and therapist in Dutchess County, New York. Thank you so much for joining us.

Dr. SOMJEE: Thank you.

MARTIN: We were also joined by Anita Malik. She is editor of East West magazine. She spoke with us from Phoenix, Arizona. Anita, thank you for joining us.

Ms. MALIK: Thank you.

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People attack a jewellers shop near the Bullring shopping centre in Birmingham, on August 8 2011

People attack a jewellers shop near the Bullring shopping centre in Birmingham. Photograph: David Jones/EPA

A cleanup operation is under way across London after the third and worst night of violence resulted in widespread damage across the capital, with unrest spreading to cities around the UK.

Buildings were set ablaze, businesses ransacked; overstretched officers were pelted with petrol bombs, bricks and other makeshift missiles. Normally peaceful streets were laid waste as rioting flashed around the city. A man died after being shot in Croydon, south London.

At times the police appeared overwhelmed by the sheer number of incidents – which began with serious rioting in Hackney and spread to the south London neighborurhoods of Peckham, Lewisham, Colliers Wood and Croydon, where a 100-year-old furniture store was torched.

House of Reeves furniture store on fire in Croydon on Monday August 8, 2011

House of Reeves furniture store on fire in Croydon. Photograph: Dominic Lipinski/PA

There was trouble too in the relatively well-off west London suburb of Ealing, and even sporadic outbreaks of violence in Notting Hill, where diners a Michelin-starred restaurant barricaded themselves in the wine cellar to avoid an attack.

Disturbances continued apace throughout the night and spread outside London for the first time with riots reported in Birmingham, Bristol and Liverpool.

In north London, Guardian video journalist John Domokos found Turkish shopkeepers defending their premises against attack.

From south London, a commenter on the Guardian live blog described the scenes he witnessed.

It was so surreal to watch Clapham Junction being systematically looted, almost every shop was looted, although the bookshop, charity shops and M&S remained unscathed...There were no police for nearly three hours, even the most secure shops, like the Jewellers were breached, they had plenty of time to batter their way in...By the time the Police arrived most of the looters where struggling home, laden down with clothes, trainers and electrical goods. They took everything!

In Hackney, trouble flared at around 4.45pm, in broad daylight and captured live by a BBC News helicopter. Gangs of youths fought pitched battles along the length of the main street in Hackney, Mare Street. Buses were trapped, shops were looted and vans were disgorged of their contents.

Police confront youths in Hackney, London Photograph: BBC

This Guardian map, showing every verified incident, shows the extent of the disturbances.

The widespread looting and vandalism has prompted a strong backlash online, with many commenters calling for a much more severe police crackdown, includiong the deployment of water cannon and even the army.

This commenter on the Guardian live blog expressed anger and frustration:

Even though what my neighbours and I have had to endure has (so far!) been mild by the standards of what's happened elsewhere, I'm incredibly angry about this. This is not a wealthy estate; most of my neighbours are manual workers or (like me) employed in the public sector – no bankers here except possibly high-street branch staff, not that it would be justified even if there were.

Smashing up my neighbours' cars isn't a statement against the system; it's thuggery, pure and simple – violence for the simple enjoyment of violence. It's not the Tories, it's not the cuts; it's the simple joy of causing grief. Don't forget that for all the pictures of major violence on the highstreets and shopping centres, there seem to be dozens of smaller groups making lives a misery in the backstreets, away from the cameras.

It might be tiredness talking, but right now, I feel like these people don't need somebody to speak up for them; they need very long prison sentences – not primarily to punish them, but to give the rest of us some respite.

Other commenters tried to understand the reasons for the violence:

Politicians and police tell us there is no excuse for wanton vandalism, arson and attacks on police and property. I genuinely feel for residents and small business owners affected by these events.

However, like all riots throughout our history these were kicked off by groups of marginalised, disaffected 'have and have nots'. We can only expect more in the current climate of cuts - especially to youth services (8 out of 13 in one area of London according to this paper).

Looking at the targets of opportunist looters, they are taking the easy option so they too can jump on the materialistic, consumerist bandwagon that has become so important to so many personal lives, families and communities: at the core of the financial/economic debacle we now find ourselves in thanks to a lot of greedy, selfish monetarists.

Thing is, due to developments way beyond these kids' control, opportunities to buy these goods legitimately with hard earned wages are few and far between. Seriously, what would you do in their situation?

David Cameron, the prime minister, who arrived back from holiday in Tuscany in the early hours of the morning, chaired a meeting of the emergency committee Cobra.

David Cameron outside No 10 on 9 August 2011. Photograph: Andy Rain/EPA

When the meeting ended, he emerged to face the cameras in Downing Street and signalled the heavier crackdown that many had been urging. Some 16,000 officers will be deployed in London on Tuesday night, up from 6,000 the night before.

All leave within the Metropolitan police has been cancelled. There will be aid coming from police forces up and down the country and we will do everything necessary to strengthen and assist those police forces that are meeting this disorder.

There's already been 450 people arrested; we will make sure that court procedures and processes are speeded up and people should expect to see more – many more – arrests in the days to come.

I am determined, the government is determined, that justice will be done and these people will see the consequences of their action.

And I have this very clear message to those people who are responsible for this wrongdoing and criminality: you will feel the full force of the law. If you are old enough to commit these crimes you are old enough to face the punishments.

And to these people I would say this: you are not only wrecking the lives of others; you are not only wrecking your own communities — you are potentially wrecking your own life too.

Once again, the social networks provided some of the rawest coverage. In a particularly nihilistic moment captured on video and posted to Facebook and later YouTube, youths are seen apparently comforting a teenager who has been injured. But then, almost imperceptibly, and without the victim initially realising it, they start to rifle through his rucksack and make off with the contents.

But there was defiance, too: another popular video shows a woman in Hackney remonstrating with local youths.

In an impassioned denunciation, she says:

If we're fighting for a cause, let's fight for a cause. You lot piss me off. I'm ashamed to be a Hackney person. We're not all gathering together and fighting for a cause, we're running down Foot Locker.

London riots spread beyond capital: day three roundup