Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

Recent updates to the processes by which the Student Government Association allocates funds to student organizations have left theatre organizations across campus scrambling. Because SGA will no longer be funding props or costumes, any show that requires particularly showy or expensive costumes, such as Flaherty and Ahren’s beloved classic “Seussical,” is now off the table for these groups.

This change has hit the Musical Theatre Club particularly hard. Despite trying other means to fundraise their spring production, such as selling singing Valentines, the group came up short and was not able to raise enough money to continue with their planned production of “Spring Awakening.” Cast members were devastated: Arthur Podge, a junior math major who had been cast as a supporting role, said, “When I heard the news, it took everything in my power not to throw myself into the library pond.”

But the cast and crew of “Spring Awakening” were not ready to give up on their spring production altogether. Instead of cancelling the show, they got together to brainstorm possible replacement shows that would require very little in terms of props and costumes. The solution? A completely original musical written and composed by members of MTC based on their own lives right here at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County, entitled “Musical Theatre Club! The Musical.”

The show’s plot follows a small group of quirky-yet-lovable theatre kids as they try to balance classes and schoolwork, all while putting on a top-tier show at the end of the semester. But despite their love and passion for theatre, they keep running into increasingly frustrating obstacles while trying to put up the fairly mundane Kinder and Herb musical “Drapery.” “Musical Theatre Club! The Musical”’s writers claim that all the situations and characters depicted in the show are purely fictitious.

“’Musical Theatre Club! The Musical’ is perfect, because we’re playing characters who are UMBC students, just like us,” says MTC president and senior visual arts major Scoot Armchair. “So we can just wear our normal clothes and use stuff we own for props.”

Armchair will star in the show as an alternate version of himself; his character, named ‘Scott,’ is a stressed-out computer science major whose defining characteristic is listening to emo music. This is a stark contrast with the Scoot his castmates all know and love, who is a laid-back guy with an affinity for Taylor Swift and Chopin.

“It’s been really interesting stepping into the roll of ‘Scott.’ I didn’t know if I could connect with a character so different from who I really am, but it’s been a great acting challenge,” Armchair explains. “I wasn’t even going to be in “Spring Awakening,” ‘cause that show sucks, so I’m glad we’re doing this instead.” He also notes it’s been nice to have something to take up his time, considering his class load has been so relaxed this semester.

Lara Mitchell, formerly the director of “Spring Awakening” and now of “Musical Theatre Club! The Musical,” is excited to be directing her first original production, but is also nervous about having to teach so much blocking in the few short weeks before the show’s April 12 premier in the Fine Arts Recital Hall. The junior biochemistry major explained that much of the script is improvisational, meaning there are few lines for the cast to memorize, “but there are at least five full-company dance numbers to learn. And we have to get the scene at the end, where Hrabowski teaches us that the real SGA allocation was the friends we made along the way, or the whole show falls flat.” When asked who would be portraying Hrabowski, Mitchell stated that no one had been cast yet, but that she had “something very special in the works.”

Despite the time crunch, cast members are excited. Podge, who has been cast as an English student named ‘Ari’, is ready to put in the times and effort to get this show perfect by opening night. “I love ‘Spring Awakening,’ but ‘Musical Theatre Club! The Musical’ is amazing. Honestly, next-level stuff,” he says. “I’ll be surprised if we don’t win [the Tony award for] Best Score, or at least Best Supporting Actress.”

Mark your calendars now for April 12, 13 and 14 — it sounds like this show is one you’re not going to want to miss.

Port Discovery Children’s Museum, one of the top Children’s Museum in the United States and a top cultural institution in Baltimore’s Inner Harbor, is seeking a Performance Specialist.

General Summary of the Job

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

As actors and actresses learning to navigate the world of auditions and casting calls, it is important to know what a director will be looking for. So let’s put ourselves in a director’s shoes, shall we? If I were a director, I might believe a successful cast should be accountable, easy to work with, focused, and talented. That seems like a really complicated casting process though, and way too much hard work. Directors can’t really pay attention to all of those qualities for every person that auditions.

It would be much easier if I could just cast the actors and actresses I’ve already worked with to save myself a lot of trouble judging the character of strangers. Yes, I like that idea. I could create my “cast” from people I already know have the talent I’m looking for. I could even cast some of my friends, because I’m pretty sure they have talent.

If I cast my friends, I won’t have to give notes to any of them as I am positive they will do everything the way I want them to for every scene. If I already know who I want to cast, what’s to stop me from simply assigning roles before auditions? Yes, I can save myself a lot of trouble by simply creating the cast list right now. Of course, I will still hold open auditions as a formality; maybe I’ll even hold callbacks just to have a bit of fun watching the false hope of those called back, just to make it all a bit more exciting.

I know this plan won’t work out perfectly. We’ve all experienced directors like these; the ones that cast their own daughter as the lead, or have the same two or three people playing the main characters year after year. A lot of casting decisions are simply made based on appearance, and not ability or accountability, as we know.

This will be a bit different though, not to mention much subtler. Let’s not forget, many directors are also actors themselves. What if I, as a director, decided I would rather have a role in the performance? I can simply reach out to a vague director friend nobody has ever heard of, ask them to direct the show, and persuade them to cast me.

Now I can play the lead role I desired, perform with a cast I already know personally, and work with a good friend as my director. This is not so absurd, as I have seen it work before. The director at this particular community college desired to play the character of Lady Bracknell; a character who’s snobby, holier-than-thou personality was very similar to that of the actress playing her. And play the character she did, almost as well as the other actresses that had also auditioned for the role.

What a performance this will be. How will I pay for this show, you ask? Well, I will simply reach out to the parents of the ensemble, cast for this exact purpose of having useful relatives. This, my fellow actors and actresses, is the secret to getting the role you want every single time.

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

The UMBC Linguistics department routinely deals with the study of language and its evolution throughout human history, but scholars have recently made a breakthrough in understanding the most secretive civilization of them all: the UMBC Administration.

Dr. Michael Simmons, a professor of Linguistics, who has recently published his findings in Language and Cultures of Obscure Civilizations Quarterly, described the source of his breakthrough: “We’ve been looking through some of the texts that the administration has put out, and we’ve discovered two key components of their culture: constant lying and veiled threats.”

Simmons pointed to a recent statement that the administration put out, adding, “If you look at this sentence about ‘moving forward,’ we’ve understood that this is a coded threat. You have to understand the aggression behind this.”

According to the linguistics department, the UMBC Administration’s culture is defined by a specific type of self-preservation that involves preemptively silencing the grievances of others. “Their culture is almost this sort of fever dream of chaos and bullshit,” linguistics senior and researcher Sherri Moran said, solemnly staring at a PR statement from the administration.

Moran attempts to understand these unusual mannerisms as cultural quirks, only seeming unusual to our sensibilities because of its differences. “But I gotta tell you, even I have my limits,” she explained. “I understand that every culture is built on different values and norms, but this isn’t going to be effective in the long run.”

When asked for comment, the administration produced a PR statement that was unfit for print due to its incomprehensible nature. However, both Simmons and Moran have managed to decipher the text. “They want you to shut up,” they said.

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

Every year in the spring, some of the biggest artists in the world gather at the University of Maryland, Bible College (UMBC for short) for what is perhaps one of the biggest musical spectacles in the world. These artists come together for what is perhaps the most magical 26 minutes in music. This event is, of course, the legendary Quadmania.

Of course, the event has come to be misnamed over the years, as UMBC no longer has a fucking quad. In place of where the legendary festival used to be, the school has placed a new building. So, instead of a week full of games and music, the area on campus which used to be the quad is home to the new Freeman Hrabowski Interdisciplinary up-and-coming state of the art initiative leadership gritty mcgritface life sciences coffee shop building.

But have no fear, the legendary festival lives on. The cathedral which is Erickson Field has been hosting the event over the last few years. What was once home to all-time great Frisbee, and football games, and the mythical Finalsmas tree now gets to host what is perhaps the most notable event ever to grace the sacred grass of Leif Erickson’s birthplace.

On Monday, the much-anticipated announcement of this year’s Quadmania artist was made. Thousands of students lined up on Commons Main Street to hear the news. After people had camped for days to hear the news, the crowd was thrown into a frenzy as SEB informed them of who this year’s headlining artist would be.

The artist that they announced was Cheat Codes, an electronic DJ group from Los Angeles. “Who the fuck is Cheat Codes?” exclaimed James Smith, a senior who majors in some useless science bullshit. This sentiment was echoed throughout the crowd, as nobody had ever heard of the group before.

The group consists of three DJs: some dude who looks like Chase from Zoey 101, a guy who looks like he dropped toupee and it got sucked up by a vacuum and a guy with a weird man bun. They sample music from good artists and refine it with their mediocre lyrics. Overall, this group does not compare well to the music icons that have come to UMBC in the past, such as his majesty Sir Savage the 21st.

Students on campus and fans worldwide are furious with the choice by SEB. SGA president Collin Sullivan shares this disdain. In an interview after the announcement, Sullivan said, “I can’t believe we pay SEB all of this money, and this is what they came up with. They had all year to find us a world-class artist like Big Time Rush, Nickelback or Florida Georgia Line, but no, we get Cheat Codes.”

In response to SEB’s decision, the SGA Senate held an emergency meeting on Monday afternoon. During the meeting, they decided to pull their current budget plan off of the table and cut SEB’s funds in half. Regarding the decision Executive Vice President, and lifelong Big Time Rush fan Vrinda Deshpande said, “Obviously SEB is misusing the money we gave them, and this is the only appropriate way to rectify the situation.”

But, not everyone on campus is angry about the selection. UMBC President Freeman Hrabowski III was seen late on Monday evening wearing a Cheat Codes t-shirt. “Well, this band is really up and coming,” he said. “I’ve been listening to them for the last few years, and I honestly could not name a better band for this event. The kids are most definitely going to be raising the roof and all that nonsense.” Hrabowski then giddily skipped away like a school girl. There are suspicions around campus that he may have influenced the selection process, but there is no evidence to support that at this time.

Quadmania takes place in the RAC on April 28 at 7 p.m. You can buy your tickets on tickets.umbc.edu for $entirely too much. Do not wait, these tickets are sure to sell out fast!

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

In the upcoming months, the UMBC campus will be getting a facelift, but this remodeling might surprise many people. Campus funds were allocated, not to spruce up Lecture Hall 1 or to put safe, functioning elevators in the Fine Arts Building, but to instead pursue an ambitious landscaping enterprise.

Officials have challenged landscapers with turning the campus into a ginormous hedge maze. Landscapers will be shipping in truckloads of plant-life via the Commons Loop starting in the next couple of weeks. Traffic will thus be even more congested than normal for commuters looking to park in the Commons Garage. As a way to draft out the maze, landscapers will be laying out large wooden fences all over campus, so make sure to take this all into account when leaving for class.

The maze hedges, standing eleven feet tall, will benefit UMBC wildlife by providing a home for the squirrels. There will only be one correct path that leads to each academic building, and it is predicted that there will be at least 100 dead ends. In case students get lost in the maze for long amounts of time, University Health Services will set up emergency snack stations complete with kale chips, granola bars, fruit snacks and bottled water. If a student gets lost in the maze overnight, sleeping bags can be found on the sides of the hedge maze.  Officials estimate that the new addition of the hedge maze will add at least an extra two hours to students’ class commute.

Because UMBC boasts about having innovative students, referees will be placed throughout the maze to ensure students do not attempt to climb over or go through the hedges. Students will not be allowed to create any sort of maze solving algorithm; computer science professors will be charged with enforcing this.

When asked why campus officials decided to create the hedge maze in the first place, Dr. Freeman Hrabowski stated, “UMBC is a school that actively promotes problem solving, and we believe the hedge maze will allow students to actively practice problem solving skills such as finding their way through a maze and still arriving at class on time. The addition of the maze will only reinforce UMBC values of creative thinking and punctuality.”

As a way to encourage students to be enthusiastic about UMBC’s new look, the administration has teamed up with supporting student organizations such as SEB and the Garden. SEB is planning several treasure hunts throughout the maze, and if a student is lucky, they could just find a lifetime supply of ramen sitting at one of the dead ends. The Garden will sell different types of plants to decorate the hedges in order to create a healthy new habitat for wildlife and will also sponsor nature walks during free hour.

The maze is predicted to be up and running by the start of the 2019 Fall semester. Numerous professors have already stated that they will not accept “I got lost in the maze” as a legitimate excuse for being late to class, so put those thinking caps on and get ready to solve UMBC’s newest problem.