Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

Students at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County, frequently (but affectionately) describe their university as “a nerd school.” And while it is true that UMBC has earned recognition for its sports success, a majority of the school’s achievements are academically-centered. This scholastic focus of many students at the school is not difficult to pick up on, as many people are seen poring over textbooks during meals, studying all night at the RLC, doing homework on the bleachers of basketball games, and even using dating apps to find tutors. Because of UMBC students’ intense focus on academics, socialization is often forgotten.

But there is a new student organization coming to campus that aims to change that: Buy Your Friends, or BYF, is a nationwide organization that will soon establish a brand-new chapter right here at UMBC. BYF has dozens of other chapters at different colleges across the country, with both male and female sub-chapters, but UMBC is the first college in Maryland to establish a BYF chapter. This addition to campus was orchestrated by two current students who felt that it was nearly impossible to make friends at UMBC.

“Between my classes, study groups, internship and extracurriculars, I had literally no time to make friends — I barely even had time in my day to eat, sleep or shower,” explains junior biology and psychology major Jennifer Nelson. “I was super stressed all the time but had no one to talk to about it other than my advisor, who was my only friend. So when I heard about BYF, I knew it would be a perfect way to meet people!”

Sophomore theatre major Alexander White agrees with Nelson, claiming, “My major comes with a lot of time commitments, so I never get the chance to hang out with anyone other than my castmates, and I kind of hate them all.”

Nelson and White — who “met” on an online support group for people who do not have friends — contacted the BYF founders to convince them to bring their organization to UMBC. According to Nelson and White, there was little convincing to be done; BYF eagerly accepted their proposition and instantly made plans to found a BYF chapter at UMBC.

“BYF is truly an organization like no other,” gushes co-founder MacKayleigh Hayes. “It is a group of people who support each other, love each other and are always there for each other. The ladies of BYF are more like sisters than friends.”

These sentiments are echoed by Tyler Grant, who helped found BYF with Hayes and came up with the idea to separate the groups into male and female organizations: BYMF and BYFF; as a whole, however, Hayes and Grant refer to their company as BYF. He asserts that “The men of BYF are my bros for life. We are super tight and always have each other’s backs, and I’m really proud to be a BYMF man.”

In regards to the name, “Buy Your Friends,” Hayes and Grant state that they wanted to be as open as possible about what the organization entails: buying your way into a group of friends. Yes, in order to join BYF, you must pay what is called a “pledging fee,” in order to commit to the organization. But not just anyone can buy their way into BYF — you have to be specifically selected to join based on any number of arbitrary criteria.

“Well, duh!” Hayes scoffs. “We cannot just let anyone and everyone into the group, you have to prove your commitment to the organization.” Grant adds that “proving commitment” can mean any number of things, and that the process for joining the organization varies by chapter. Though Grant is “bound by brotherly bonds” from revealing the steps that pledges had to pass before getting inducted into the first BYMF, he does comment, that “it’s some intense shit.”

While Grant and Hayes, in addition to all members of BYF, are apparently forbidden from spilling the secret steps to entering their organization, people who have been rejected by the organization have shared their grievances on social media.

One anonymous freshman who tried to join BYMF at a different college claims that he and several of his “pledge brothers” were blindfolded and driven to different locations around campus, where they were dropped off (still blindfolded) and had to find their way to their “brothers” without ever removing their blindfolds. The freshman failed to find his brothers in the five minutes allotted, so he was not permitted to join the group. Similar stories arise about BYFF, who also have to perform rituals but also are tested on their “womanly instincts,” and have to correct their “pledge sisters’” hair, makeup and outfits.

However, students who get through these processes are rewarded with “the gift of lifelong friendship,” according to Hayes and Grant. “These people mean the world to me, they are my sisters for life and I love them so much, especially my Little!” gushes Hayes.

Students interested in joining BYF, there will be an interest meeting in early May, where Hayes and Grant will talk about their vision for their new group, how to join and other information. Additionally, BYF will show the standard anti-hazing video that UMBC requires all sororities and fraternities to play. Stay tuned to the BYF twitter for more information about UMBC’s newest addition to the Greek Life scene!

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

UMBC’s coed curling team pulled off a historic upset against conference rival Maine, to advance to the satisfactory sixteen of the illustrious NCAA coed curling tournament. In a thrilling finish, the Retrievers defeated the juggernaut Maine Black Bears after a last-second deuce in the last end from aspiring freshman Mary Land.

The deuce came off a picture-perfect delivery from fellow freshman Ray Lewis (not that one) giving UMBC the 7-6 win. All other five points were from six foot seven, 250-pound freshman, Anna Bolic, who recently came back from a suspension for an unknown substance. Maine’s lethal duo of Canadian Transfer students Aubrey Graham and Jimmy Brooks each scored a point while the rest of the points were scored by Junior Junior the IV.

This loss casts doubt on the superstar potential of third-year player Junior, who has set several records for the Maine curling team, this just fuels the narrative that he is all hype and not a substantial leader as another coed championship escapes his grasp. UMBC’s win marks their best postseason record in a decade competing in the coed tournament and signifies Maine’s biggest collapse and worst finish in 25 years.

UMBC Head Coach Dick Cox was bursting with excitement and joy after the win and you could see the looks of ecstasy on the face of the players as they soaked him with a bucket of Gatorade. The opposing coach for Maine, Richard Schitt was distraught seeming almost limp on the bench and was even seen tearing up after the loss.

This draw was an instant classic that unfortunately wasn’t seen by too many, I myself only caught glimpses of the game and in Spanish at that. The bits and pieces I saw live on ESPN 15 aka “El Quince” were highly entertaining and seemed like a gripping duel for the ages.

After this spectacular victory, the Retrievers set their sights on last year’s tournament winner: the University of Alaska Anchorage. The Seawolves are no slouch and show no signs of championship fatigue or rust, which means UMBC will have to be on their A-game if they want to stand a chance against the defending champs. The Seawolves have all-conference skipper Samuel Sung as well as freshman of the year Holden Butts leading the charge.

This Seawolves team was a tour de force in the regular season going undefeated and beating their opponents by an average of five points. The Retrievers face even more of an uphill battle with the recent news that the team will be without three key players for the upcoming game. Senior Jay’Mario Smith was recently suspended from team activities because of an altercation with several freshmen on the team reportedly stemming from one of them drinking from his Gatorade bottle by mistake.

The other two suspensions are academic-related after two sophomores prematurely failed necessary classes thinking they had no work before spring break and skipped their exams. The task may seem impossible but UMBC athletics have a well-documented history of overcoming seemingly inconceivable odds and like the basketball team I think the UMBC’s coed curling team can do the impossible again and continue this miracle season.

On March 27, 2019, UMBC graduate students will gather in the University Center Ballroom to improve their communication skills, share their work, and get to know their UMBC colleagues. The new Graduate Experiences, Achievement, and Research Symposium (GEARS) aims to provide rich professional development opportunities—from showcasing art pieces to mingling with alumni—for students in all fields, right here on campus.

“We want to provide an avenue for people to learn skills that they’re not going to get in the classroom or the lab,” says Alex Rittle, Ph.D. student in geography and environmental systems and chair of the GEARS planning committee.

The opportunities at GEARS include an interviewing workshop led by Susan Hindle, assistant director for internships and employment; an art showcase by students in UMBC’s Intermedia and Digital Art program; an exhibition by emergency health services graduate students; short “Gritty Talks,” modeled after the annual GRIT-X talks at UMBC Homecoming, and traditional poster presentations.

“Preparing a good poster can be more difficult than preparing a talk, but it can provide more bang for your buck,” says Roy Prouty ’16, M.S., atmospheric physics, current M.S. student in computer science, and Graduate Student Association president. Choosing what data to include and laying it out in a way that is easy to follow can be challenging. To help, the GSA organized a workshop prior to GEARS run by Tim Ford, manager of Research Graphics in the College of Natural and Mathematical Sciences, and Joe School, director of the Cartographic Services Laboratory in geography and environmental systems. Both have decades of experience printing posters, and know what makes a good one.

GEARS will also feature a Three Minute Thesis (3MT) competition, the winner of which will compete at the Southern States Regional 3MT contest. The Graduate School supported training from renowned communications coach Scott Morgan for all students who signed up in advance to participate in 3MT.

“Regardless of whether you’re going into industry, the public sector, or academia, you need the skills to be able to tell people what you’re working on,” says Rittle.

Prouty acknowledges that a three minute explanation of one’s dissertation is not the typical talk a researcher would give at a department seminar or academic conference. However, he says, it’s also important to learn “to communicate what you’re doing and what you care about in more informal ways that will make sense to the broader community.”

Mustafa Al-Adhami, Ph.D. ’19, mechanical engineering, and a researcher at UMBC’s Center for Advanced Sensor Technology, won last year’s 3MT and found the experience transformative. After winning at UMBC, he came in second place the Southern States Regional, earning him the right to compete at the national 3MT competition this coming December.

“In real life, I feel like you don’t get more than three minutes,” Al-Adhami says. “So practicing how to do it is valuable.” Al-Adhami is also an entrepreneur, and less than a week after the 3MT regional, he won the elevator pitch contest at the Baylor New Venture Competition in Waco, Texas. “What I learned from 3MT transferred into a totally different enterprise,” he says. Al-Adhami will present his talk after the competitors at this year’s 3MT contest.

GEARS isn’t all serious professional development, though. A social hour where current graduate students can mingle with Graduate School alumni will close out the day. One of the highlights? An activity known as Powerpoint roulette, where participants are given a random Powerpoint slide from an academic presentation and must try to explain it on the spot. There will be prizes in different categories, like most realistic and most creative.

The GSA executive board and GEARS planning committee members are hoping for a strong start for this new offering, and also that it will grow into a popular event for graduate students from all disciplines. “This is something we’re creating that’s new,” says Adam Harvey, Ph.D. student in physics and GSA vice president, “and we’re trying to build on it.”

Banner image: Alex Sestok, Ph.D. student in chemistry, explains her research to a guest. All photos by Marlayna Demond ’11 for UMBC.

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

Is there a limit to one’s capacity for greed? Eric Carle explores this question in his pathbreaking book, “The Very Hungry Caterpillar.” The novel follows the misadventures of an unnamed protagonist as he literally consumes the world around him, eating out a place within our material-consumer culture.

Despite the somewhat repetitive plot and unassuming prose, Carle presents us with a shocking ending. Rather than criticizing the worst excesses of twenty-first century neoliberalism, marked especially by the destruction of the natural world, “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” celebrates unrestrained avarice, as the caterpillar is rewarded for his overconsumption, transmogrifying at the tale’s conclusion into an iridescent creature from above, casting off its earthly tethers.

Importantly, the condition for this transformation is the depletion of nature, suggested by his endless ingestion of fruits and vegetables, which slowly evolves into more processed goods. This evolution mirrors man’s increasing dependence on novelty goods with absolutely no recognition of who provided those products.

The caterpillar’s final apotheosis frees it from the land, signifying the bourgeois’ purely parasitic relationship to agricultural laborers. This transformation brings the story full circle, arriving back at the Universal Egg. The protagonist, once again, is alone on its little leaf; this suggests alienation, the fundamental condition of civil society in which others are recognized not for their full humanity but only as means to the fulfillment of self-interest. This privileging of selfishness and free consumption is the tragic state of modern capitalism.

Similarly, the butterfly’s ability to fly suggests final liberation from material conditions, demonstrating the fact that the rich have no need to busy themselves with prosaic concerns such as food, water and shelter. However, the caterpillar’s hunger represents the displacement of other desires not met by civil society, namely the desire for meaningful social interaction.

Known only by his masculine pronouns and phallic appearance, the caterpillar’s conspicuous male identity indicates the absence of roles for women in a capitalist world, encouraging us to ask, “What transformation might a female caterpillar expect if she were to attempt such voracious consumption?” The caterpillar’s transformation also suggests the mutability of masculine social roles: men always have access to upward mobility, which is only further fueled by their consumption.

And of course, we cannot ignore the obvious messianic parallels pervading the tale. The caterpillar’s genesis, free from any physical paternal presence, on Sunday no less, clearly marks him as a Christ-like figure. The novel’s conclusion is an obvious allusion to the beatific bliss promised by entry into heaven. Indeed, it is only upon the caterpillar’s transformation into a butterfly — its entry into heaven after the suffering, characteristic of the vale of tears — that he no longer feels compelled to eat. There, God is his nourishment.

Further, the conclusion of the novel in media res suggests the second coming of Christ — his story is not over. In this way, it is much like modernist author James Joyce’s  final opus, “Finnegans Wake,” whose closing sentence serves as a transition back into the novel’s opening sentence.

Although popular narratives of the American Dream and teleological understandings of historical change would have us see the caterpillar’s ascension as a genuine possibility or an inevitability, the fact that the story ends in media res sends readers back to the permanent earthly condition of dearth and alienation with which the novel begins. We cannot escape our terrestrial hunger.

Overall, Carle develops a compelling argument and reminds us of the importance of multi-modal literature in commenting upon a complex society. His subtle reminders of the wake that capitalism leaves upon us ground readers in their own consumptive habits and the reality of their destiny. After reading “A Very Hungry Caterpillar,” one cannot help but feel the crushing weight of their neoliberal manacles.

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

Nearly everyone who has walked past Erickson Field this semester has noticed two geese lounging in the grass, looking for bugs to eat and occasionally waddling close enough to the sidewalk to make students nervous. It seems as though they have claimed the field for themselves, forcing the rest of the geese at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County to flock near the library pond and prevent students from sitting nearby, in fear of attack.

As the geese relax close to Erickson Hall and the Office of Residential Life, it was inevitable that Reslife staff would eventually notice the freeloaders and be forced to make an executive decision on how to handle the situation. John Fox, the Director of UMBC Residential Life, notes the unfairness of letting the geese live on the field. “The geese will be charged a housing fee for the semester,” Fox confirmed, adding, “it’s just unfair for students to be paying thousands to live on campus when others are cheating the system like this.”

An anonymous student has claimed that he too will be moving onto Erickson Field to finish up the semester. “If I had known we could live on the field for free, I would have done this freshman year,” the student complained, noting the high price he has paid for housing throughout his college experience. When asked about his reservations for living with two members of a different species, he boasted that he has no fears. “I did random rooming for this year anyway,” he said. “I probably have more in common with these guys than the people Reslife matched me with.”

On campus, rumors have circulated that Reslife has begun to interview for Residential Assistants for Erickson Field for the next academic year. Fox confirmed these allegations in an interview, noting some of the applicants, all of whom are geese, have shown real potential. “We’re hopeful to add some diversity to the RA staff next year by these additions to the team,” Fox stated. Current RAs are nervous about losing their jobs to birds. “What’s next? The squirrels? This is completely ridiculous,” an anonymous RA commented.

It is clear that big changes are coming to UMBC’s residential life next semester. Questions still remain regarding pricing for housing on Erickson Field, how to house the geese looking to live in other residence halls and guidelines for other species wishing to live on campus.

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

On the cusp of the highly anticipated “Avengers: Endgame,” speculation is rampant as to which characters will bite the dust and which will continue on to future storylines. Fan theories put several of the original six Avengers as doomed to fall, including Tony Stark, but recent contract leaks prove wrong.

During a recent interview with The Daily Bugle, the loose-lipped Spider-Man actor Tom Holland revealed the details to all contractual agreements of every actor credited to a Marvel property. Analysts are unsure why Holland was told of the contracts, and how he memorized them. Nevertheless, the details include casting lists, character sketches and full script summaries to future films post-Endgame.

At the helm of the entire universe, Robert Downey Jr’s portrayal of Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, has carried the Avengers franchise, as well as his solo-adventure Iron Man trilogy. Nearing the end of 2017, there were reportedly no plans for a continuation of the Iron Man franchise. With the dominating success of “Avengers: Infinity War” and projected success of “Avengers: Endgame,” Disney executives have elected to continue the character’s solo title story with “Iron Man 4” set to debut in 2022. Though details of the film’s extended plot are scarce, sources can confirm the film will take in the Musical genre, taking advantage of Downey’s musical prowess.

With Downey’s loaded film schedule including other projects such as the 2021 “Sherlock and Holmes 3” and 2020’s “The Voyage of Doctor Dolittle,” Marvel has negotiated a more than fair price for Downey’s time. Downey is expected to earn $45 million on this project alone with an extra 2.5 percent of the entire film profits as previously negotiated, a projected $70 million total. This establishes Downey as the highest paid superhero genre actor, just edging out Downey’s performance in “Avengers: Age of Ultron” for $35 million and Downey’s performance in “Captain America; Civil War” at $65 million.

Several alumni members of the core Iron Man cast are set to return in the long-awaited sequel. Gwyneth Paltrow returns as Pepper Potts after her heroic rescue in “Avengers: Endgame.” As negotiated by Paltrow and several Disney executives, her appearance hinges on the positive product placement of her self-owned lifestyle brand Goop. To lineup with the wide range of Goop branded products, Pepper will sport a highly advanced nanosuit implanted in her vagina. Goop is also expected to release a whole line of Iron Man themed products as a promotional tie-in including face masks and quartz eggs.

Jon Favreau is also expected to return as Tony’s best friend, Happy Hogan. After his small part in “Spiderman: Homecoming,” Happy now commands an entire fleet of young heroes out of Avengers Tower as their adoptive guardian. One scene in particular features Happy cooking up grilled cheese sandwiches at the Avengers Kitchen for the entire Young Avengers team at the newly renovated Avengers Dormitory.

The most important bit of Iron Man news is the inclusion of a brand new villain into the MCU. The long awaited and teased magical dragon Fin Fang Foom is set to make his cinematic debut in “Iron Man 4,” played by the talented Adam Sandler. Sandler is set to provide all non-musical vocals as well as CGI motion capture for Fin Fang Foom, while the musical numbers will be performed by Grammy award winner Justin Bieber. In addition to Fin Fang Foom, Ben Kingsley’s portrayal of the Mandarin is set to return in a once again comedic role.

Beyond the contractual agreements, Holland was able to reveal that one other MCU veteran will be joining Tony Stark in “Iron Man 4,” in the vein of “Captain America: Civil War.” While many expect Christ Evans to make an appearance, recent tweets from Michael Rooker suggest he has been approached about reprising his role of Mary Poppins, completing the stacked cast and setting the film up for a great success.

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

Recent updates to the processes by which the Student Government Association allocates funds to student organizations have left theatre organizations across campus scrambling. Because SGA will no longer be funding props or costumes, any show that requires particularly showy or expensive costumes, such as Flaherty and Ahren’s beloved classic “Seussical,” is now off the table for these groups.

This change has hit the Musical Theatre Club particularly hard. Despite trying other means to fundraise their spring production, such as selling singing Valentines, the group came up short and was not able to raise enough money to continue with their planned production of “Spring Awakening.” Cast members were devastated: Arthur Podge, a junior math major who had been cast as a supporting role, said, “When I heard the news, it took everything in my power not to throw myself into the library pond.”

But the cast and crew of “Spring Awakening” were not ready to give up on their spring production altogether. Instead of cancelling the show, they got together to brainstorm possible replacement shows that would require very little in terms of props and costumes. The solution? A completely original musical written and composed by members of MTC based on their own lives right here at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County, entitled “Musical Theatre Club! The Musical.”

The show’s plot follows a small group of quirky-yet-lovable theatre kids as they try to balance classes and schoolwork, all while putting on a top-tier show at the end of the semester. But despite their love and passion for theatre, they keep running into increasingly frustrating obstacles while trying to put up the fairly mundane Kinder and Herb musical “Drapery.” “Musical Theatre Club! The Musical”’s writers claim that all the situations and characters depicted in the show are purely fictitious.

“’Musical Theatre Club! The Musical’ is perfect, because we’re playing characters who are UMBC students, just like us,” says MTC president and senior visual arts major Scoot Armchair. “So we can just wear our normal clothes and use stuff we own for props.”

Armchair will star in the show as an alternate version of himself; his character, named ‘Scott,’ is a stressed-out computer science major whose defining characteristic is listening to emo music. This is a stark contrast with the Scoot his castmates all know and love, who is a laid-back guy with an affinity for Taylor Swift and Chopin.

“It’s been really interesting stepping into the roll of ‘Scott.’ I didn’t know if I could connect with a character so different from who I really am, but it’s been a great acting challenge,” Armchair explains. “I wasn’t even going to be in “Spring Awakening,” ‘cause that show sucks, so I’m glad we’re doing this instead.” He also notes it’s been nice to have something to take up his time, considering his class load has been so relaxed this semester.

Lara Mitchell, formerly the director of “Spring Awakening” and now of “Musical Theatre Club! The Musical,” is excited to be directing her first original production, but is also nervous about having to teach so much blocking in the few short weeks before the show’s April 12 premier in the Fine Arts Recital Hall. The junior biochemistry major explained that much of the script is improvisational, meaning there are few lines for the cast to memorize, “but there are at least five full-company dance numbers to learn. And we have to get the scene at the end, where Hrabowski teaches us that the real SGA allocation was the friends we made along the way, or the whole show falls flat.” When asked who would be portraying Hrabowski, Mitchell stated that no one had been cast yet, but that she had “something very special in the works.”

Despite the time crunch, cast members are excited. Podge, who has been cast as an English student named ‘Ari’, is ready to put in the times and effort to get this show perfect by opening night. “I love ‘Spring Awakening,’ but ‘Musical Theatre Club! The Musical’ is amazing. Honestly, next-level stuff,” he says. “I’ll be surprised if we don’t win [the Tony award for] Best Score, or at least Best Supporting Actress.”

Mark your calendars now for April 12, 13 and 14 — it sounds like this show is one you’re not going to want to miss.

Port Discovery Children’s Museum, one of the top Children’s Museum in the United States and a top cultural institution in Baltimore’s Inner Harbor, is seeking a Performance Specialist.

General Summary of the Job