Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

Due to outrage over the haze above UMBC resulting from a mix of body odor and bad breath, Common App is instituting a new hygiene supplement to the application. Many students have turned to face masks to avoid the stench emanating from students.

“When I walk by most of the STEM buildings, sometimes my eyes burn,” said Ben Jones, a photography major. “I go to class out of breath most days because of having to walk up the hill by the ITE building.”

After UHS was flooded by complaints from students struggling to avoid the “stink” areas (directly in front of Meyerhoff and Math and Psychology buildings), President Hrabowski declared a campus-wide state of emergency, rationing out deodorant to the students who seemed to not understand personal hygiene. He declined to comment, opting to just shake his head.

UMBC’s administration, desperate and confused, reached out to Common App in order to create the requirement. Students must now scan and upload a receipt verifying that they purchased any form of hygiene products in the past two months. STEM students are also required to upload a letter of recommendation from two friends, stating that they aren’t foul-smelling.

“You would think that a bunch of 18 to 30-year-olds would be capable of slathering on some frigging deodorant underneath their goddamn armpits before they trudge across campus, but apparently not,” said one disgruntled administrator. “And don’t even get me started on the shower epidemic!”

UMBC is considering offering “Basic Hygiene” courses under the Health Administration and Policy degree. Some professors are even pushing for replacing the recently removed Physical Education requirement with Basic Hygiene Courses. The proposed courses include Showering 101, 102 and 201 as well as Proper Laundry Technique and Please For the Love of God Brush Your Teeth.

“You guys realize we have to breathe this air too right? Every day before class I have to pump myself up to come onto this campus and smell all of you idiots,” said Professor Smythe, who holds a Ph.D. in chemistry.

With all of these new initiatives in place, UMBC hopes to move forward tackling this true public health crisis, but the future remains to be seen.

UMBC provides many resources for the campus community to best prepare for tax season and to learn about financial literacy! 

Check out these upcoming free tax preparation events with UMBC VITA, a group of trained student volunteers who prepare tax returns for free. Eligible clients earn less than $55,000 in household income. Appointments are required. Email VITA@UMBC.edu to request an appointment.

• VITA April 5
• VITA April 6

April is also Career Month at UMBC, and there will be many events taking place around financial literacy and career readiness!

• Personal Branding April 4
• UMBC Suits You April 3 & 4

Check out more details and find upcoming events hosted by Financial Smarts @ UMBC!

Paid stage manager gig for Fools and Madmen's hip hop adaptation of Much Ado About Nothing, co-produced by Motor House.

Stage Manager for a hip hop adaptation of William Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing. The show will tour and perform at Baltimore City Public Schools, plus one weekend of ticketed evening performances at Motor House this May 2019.

Rehearsals:

Rehearsals run April 8-May 26

First read = April 8

Blocking/working rehearsals = April 10-May 22 Mondays, Wednesdays, Saturdays

Tech/Dress rehearsals = May 23, 25, 26

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

A cheer heard around the world rose up from millenials and iGenners when a recent announcement surrounding the bright future of Twitter was released. In a stroke of genius, the United States Government has decided to make the social media platform the new official way of deciding the future of the nation.

From the time of its founding in 2006 on into the present, Twitter has been known as the embodiment of what America is about. The opportunity to exercise free speech and engage in civil discussions about the current state of affairs in the country make the platform peerless among the other forms of social media.

So when it was announced that Twitter would be the official platform for political engagement with government officials, it only made sense. All elected officials in the United States government are now required to have a twitter so that they can be more accessible to their constituents.

Now, any grievances that citizens have with policy, rhetoric and conduct of the government can and should be taken straight to Twitter for the most swift response. With this change came the ingenious idea to make Twitter the new way to introduce, vote for and pass laws. A summary of proposed legislation will be given in the standard 280 characters or less and based on their first impression congress people and constituents alike will be able to give their opinions.

Beyond this, if they favor the proposed legislation, Congresspeople will retweet the summary and this will count as their official vote, which means that the business of deciding our nations laws can be done from the comfort of a senator’s toilet. If the proposed legislation is not favored then Congresspeople will simply post a poop emoji in the thread to express their dissent.

Users will be encouraged to exchange ideas and have meaningful conversations with restrictions on legislation comments. They will only be permissible, between the hours of 12 a.m. and 6 a.m. when people are best able to express their opinions on complex issues such as gun control, environmental protections, international relations and more.

Not everyone was thrilled with the news that Twitter would be gaining so much power and influence in the daily lives of the citizenry. Senior communications major Faye Sue Book said that she believed that social media platforms were meant to be a place to catch up with old friends, share new life developments like changed relationship status and find totally legitimate sources of news.

Book said that her friend Maya Space was even more adamant that social media be a place where people congregate for recreation and not to discuss heavy, complicated things that bring bad vibes, but no one could reach Maya Space for direct comment.

I for one, see no problem in giving Twitter more power. This is the age of mass communication and what better way is there to catch up with the times than this? Now we can all enjoy Christmas clapbacks, dank memes and viral videos, then go right into geopolitical discourse the way that it was always intended. This decision marks a new age for the nation: one in which people’s words will actually have a lasting impact. #Blessup!

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Dr. Lorraine Remer, Research Professor in UMBC’s Joint Center for Earth Systems Technology (JCET) and Affiliate Professor in the Departments of Physics and Geography and Environmental Systems, has been selected as the 2019 recipient of the UMBC Research Faculty Excellence Award.  The award recognizes overall excellence in research, and where appropriate, significant contributions to teaching and service/leadership while at UMBC.  

Dr. Remer joined UMBC in 2012, after a successful career in the private sector and – prior to joining UMBC – at NASA Goddard Space Flight Center.  She is an active researcher, participating as PI or Co-Investigator in at least fourteen successful funding proposals submitted to federal agencies. Including her role as Co-Investigator on the HyperAngle Rainbow Polarimeter (HARP), UMBC’s first satellite mission, scheduled to launch later this year. 

As a UMBC Research Professor, Dr. Remer is conducting her research in the Department of Physics Laboratory for Aerosols, Clouds and Optics with faculty, postdocs and students, in addition to teaching courses and serving on graduate committees.

Among Dr. Remer’s many important and interesting research results is the quantification of the amount of nutrient-rich Saharan dust that is transported across the Atlantic, fertilizing the Amazon basin, reinforcing the notion that we are all part of one interconnected global climate system.

In 2015, Dr. Remer was named a Fellow of the American Geophysical Union (AGU), an international scientific society of geophysicists; a prestigious honor, since only 0.1% of members are elected as AGU Fellows.

In 2014, Dr. Remer was named among the world’s top scientists, according to the Thomson Reuters Highly Cited Researchers list, "The Most Influential Scientific Minds 2014."  According to Thomson Reuters, Highly Cited Researchers is a compilation of influential names in science that spotlights some of the “standout researchers of the last decade,” ranking her among the top 1% most cited for their subject field and year of publication between 2002 and 2012.

Since 2012 Dr. Remer has been serving as editor of the Journal of the Atmospheric Sciences. She also served as an Invited Panelist for the National Academy of Sciences Workshop on National Assets in June 2015.

Together with another UMBC faculty colleague, Dr. Remer serves as CEO and minority owner of Airphoton LLC, a faculty start-up company founded in 2012 at the bwtech@UMBC business incubator.

Upon notification of the award, Dr. Remer stated: “I feel fortunate to be a member of the UMBC community and am very grateful for all the support I've received from the university since starting here. JCET is a wonderful organization that makes it easy to succeed.  I feel strongly that the JCET leadership and staff share in this award with me, as well as the many collaborators who have enriched my research endeavors and continue to challenge me to explore new avenues of science, technology, teaching and business.”

Dr. Belay Demoz, JCET Director and Professor of Physics, states: “We are absolutely delighted about this highly deserved acknowledgement of Dr. Remer’s contributions to UMBC.  Her recent recognition as a highly cited researcher puts her in exclusive company among her peers and we are proud to count her as one or our own.”

Karl V. Steiner, Vice President for Research, adds: “Dr. Remer is an outstanding representative of our UMBC research community.  UMBC is the academic home to over 180 Research Faculty who contribute their expertise and personal commitment to making UMBC a destination of choice for cutting-edge research while providing our students with remarkable insights and opportunities. Dr. Remer is clearly a leader in her field and her energy and expertise have been a major factor in UMBC being recognized as a significant contributor to atmospheric sciences.”