If you’re reading this on death row, you have our condolences.
It can’t be encouraging to know that your government thinks society would be improved by killing you.
On the upside, however, your death might be more exciting than most, because lethal injections are so 2010.
Ever since several European manufacturers of lethal injection drugs stopped selling their product to American prisons, state governments have needed to get a little more creative.
They started with a dull option: new drug combinations. This turned out to be far more dramatic than planned, however, resulting in some drawn-out, apparently painful deaths.
Some states, such as Georgia, have responded to this problem by putting executions on hold.
But don’t worry! You still have a chance to stick to your schedule.
If you live in Utah, you may soon have a way out that is both exciting and quick: the firing squad.
Utah’s senate recently approved a measure to reinstate this form of capital punishment, which law professor Deborah Denno says “kills people the quickest” and even “is probably the most humane” way to die.
And don’t fret about the poor souls instructed to shoot you. One of their guns will be loaded with a fake bullet (not even they know which gun) so none will have live with the knowledge that they killed you.
Besides, you’ve probably killed someone, and if you can handle it, they can, right?
Whiners.
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