Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

While opening your UMBC email, you notice, among the plethora of junk emails and repeated requests for money contributions, a message from sports marketing about a big game. Opening the email, you find photos of the athletes who are playing, details on the time and location of the game and what gear they will be handing out. More importantly, at the bottom of the email you will see, in bright blue color and typed in all-caps, the link to ticket sales.

The sports marketing team behind these emails represents the best of impartiality and fairness at UMBC. The team emphasizes their need to cover all sports as equally as possible, giving each sport their own share of the spotlight. Whether it be sending out those emails that clutter up mailboxes or tweeting updates on games or records, sports marketing puts in the time to ensure that each team and their star athletes get the attention they deserve.

Sports marketing divides their staff into management sections, each member having their own handful of sports to cover. To ensure their pledge of fairness, the teams covered do not overlap seasons. For instance, David Castellanos is responsible for men’s soccer in the fall, women’s basketball in the winter, track and field in the winter and spring and baseball in the spring, while Shanna Moser keeps up with women’s soccer in the fall, swimming and diving in the winter and spring and women’s lacrosse in the spring. By doing this, they ensure that no team is left uncovered.

UMBC students particularly see sports marketing’s devotion to each varsity team on campus after giving their Twitter page, @UMBCAthletics, a quick glance over. Talk of men and women’s basketball, men and women’s soccer, more men’s basketball, some men and women’s lacrosse, a little bit of baseball, more men’s basketball, and men’s basketball fills their feed, gifs of each team and key players being sprinkled throughout.

Student athletes appreciate the work that sports marketing does to advertise their teams. Tweets directly from the page are a hit, athletes instantly retweeting the posts about them and their team with their friends and family following suit.

“I was so happy to see them post about one of my teammate’s records. Like, the baseball team was losing a game at the time so it really means a lot that they would take the time out of that coverage to write about our successes,” stated sophomore infielder Sophie Base from the softball team.

On top of the emails and tweets, sports marketing is responsible for the UMBC spirit wear and other gear that is handed out at games. This merchandise ranges from ice scrapers to t-shirts to towels and serves as an incentive to go to the games.

Of course, there is a budget for all the gear, limiting sports marketing’s ability to hand out items at every game. In order to put the incentive power of the freebies to best use, sports marketing offers them at games with the lowest turnout rates. For instance, sports marketing finds that it is harder to get students to come out for the men’s basketball games than women’s volleyball games, so they focus their resources on the men’s basketball games.

Besides the jobs that sports marketing performs that all UMBC students see, they are also responsible for the creation and updating of student-athlete profiles on their given team’s website. From the code to the actual written text, sports marketing ensures that each profile holds pre-UMBC athletic accomplishments on top of details about each success within a student-athlete’s given season and general personal information.

Swimmers are especially appreciative of the details that sports marketing puts into their profiles as they see it as a good place to find their personal records. “I mean, they may not have put down my time for the right event, the 200 free time they put down is actually my 200 individual medley time, but they at least have that my favorite food is spaghetti,” explains senior Dory Blue.

Sports marketing should be proud of themselves for the great work they do for every varsity team at UMBC. With the emphasis they put on the even spreading of resources and energy across all varsity teams, there is no reason that any student at UMBC should not know about the successes and competitions of each team.

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

UMBC men’s basketball head coach Ryan Odom created headlines across the nation last week after the Retrievers lost to Vermont in the America East championship. The Retrievers were ravaged with injuries throughout the season, so the athletics department decided to take action to prevent this from happening again.

How do they plan to do this? Well, following the game Odom announced that players will now be forced to practice in oven mitts, “Well it’s pretty simple, RJ, Max and Brandon all suffered hand injuries that significantly impacted their seasons,” Odom said.

When asked how the new policy would affect sophomore-center Daniel Akin, who suffered a knee injury, coach Odom was more than ready to answer. “Well, we’ve dumped boatloads of cash into the research, and top scientists have suggested creating oven mitts for the knee,” he explained.

According to Odom, the oven mitts would cost roughly $500 a piece which is easily in the athletic department’s budget. But, for Akin’s special knee oven mitt, the price will be much more costly. The knee oven mitt will cost roughly $500,000 to purchase for Akin. Unfortunately, this was not in the athletic department’s budget.

But, luckily SGA president Collin Sullivan came to the rescue. Sullivan couldn’t stand to see the basketball team miss an opportunity to keep their star player healthy. So in conjunction with the Senate, Sullivan decided to cut 50 percent of the SGA’s entire budget, and donate that money to the basketball team. “It just seemed like the most appropriate way to allocate the student activity fee,” said Sullivan.

Time will tell if this innovation will successfully cure the team’s injury woes, but one thing is for sure: even in athletics, UMBC is dedicated to scientific innovation.

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

Everyone has always wanted to tell their boss off. I mean come on, how amazing would it feel to go up to your boss and tell them how tired you are of doing THEIR job? I can not tell you the number of people that have complained about how their boss literally sits in their office doing nothing. While that is the dream come true that is not how most people exit their workplace.

It is one thing to leave on your own accord, it is another thing to be put on leave by your superiors. Phil Stern knows all about this considering he has been in the rumor mill for quite some time. Unless you have been living under a rock you should know by now that he was placed on administrative leave and ultimately resigned back in late February. Well turns out they brought him back as not only a head coach but he personally gets to work beside Athletic Director Tim Hall.

This is the second time that Stern has left UMBC and then returned. In 2013, Stern took a coaching job at Seton Hall for a week, but then returned to the Retrievers following his short tenure there. Seriously, that is not even part of the satire, that is a real fact.

Based on the dismal performance in the regular season, and the flat playoff appearance it was clear that Stern was needed back in the fold. Since his departure, the team finished with a 4-14 record to close out the season. The only thing that made the season bearable for the team was the chance to make the playoffs.

Stern calmly walked back on campus like nothing had even changed. Once he walked into the Event Center his first choice of business was to make a statement on his release. “Well, to be quite frank, they let me go because of this so-called temper I possess,” he explained. He went on to explain that they felt he was overworking players and excessively berating them on missed plays. “What coach doesn’t get a little loud with their team, I mean how hard can it be to run the same three plays all season long?” Stern said with a laugh.

Under the new contract, Stern has the power to influence everything that goes on with the basketball team, he can even pick the scheduling and what merchandise they can promote. One of the biggest problems Stern faces is the backlash from those who never wanted him back. Stern made a comment that anyone who does not want him back “should take it up with someone who gives a fuck.” The team is gonna look completely different at least in terms of rotation. Stern talked about how one of the big things is to get junior-guard Dominika Scrockra more minutes next season. “It makes no sense to me for someone with her shooting ability to be diminished to a bench player role,” Stern bellowed.

Stern makes a good argument. It seemed like the Retrievers were allergic to winning without Stern, confining two of their best shooters in Scrocka and sophomore-guard Kristen Teklits to the bench. There were games where their shooting ability could have made a difference and changed the outcome of games. Maybe a “new” Phil Stern is what the team needs. The guy did have a hand in helping them earn the best record to start a season. This might piss off a few UMBC students and even a few players but you cannot argue results. It is a wait-and-see moment for UMBC, but one thing is certain: the drama isn’t only in the theaters, but is now spewing out of our own UMBC athletics department.

Tiffany Holmes is the Vice Provost for Undergraduate Studies at MICA. Holmes worked for eighteen years at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago where she developed an honors program and professional practices curriculum as a full professor and Dean. She received her BA in Art History from Williams College, an MFA in Digital Arts from UMBC, and a PhD from the University of Plymouth in the UK. Holmes began her teaching career as a Teach for America corps member and worked in the Baltimore City Public Schools during the early 90s. Her studio practice explores the potential of art and design to promote environmental awareness and sensitivity to shifting ecologies on the planet. Projects include a commission for the National Center for Supercomputing Applications where sequences of experimental animations visualize real-time energy loads. Her paper detailing this work, “Eco-visualization: Combining art and technology to reduce energy consumption,” earned a Best Paper award at Creativity and Cognition 2007 and a doctoral degree. She has lectured and exhibited worldwide: Museum of Contemporary Art Chicago, J. Paul Getty Museum in Los Angeles, 01SJ Biennial, Siggraph 2000, Interaction ’01 in Japan, ISEA Nagoya, Microwave Festival, Hong Kong. A recipient of the Michigan Society of Fellows research fellowship in 1998, Holmes has earned the Illinois Arts Council individual grant, an Artists-in-Labs residency award in Switzerland, 2010 Rhizome Commission, and a 2016 Distinguished Alumni Award from the UMBC.

Dr. Holmes will announce the MFA Award Tuesday April 18, 2PM in the CADVC at the RTKL Talk.

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

In an emergency attempt to solve the parking problem on campus, UMBC has announced that its new Interdisciplinary Life Sciences Building will serve as a luxury parking lot for students, staff and visitors to enjoy at $20 an hour.

By Fall 2019, the building is scheduled to be fully furnished and equipped with luxurious red velvet carpets covering all floors, fairy lights on all ceilings and windows, as well as a drive-in bar featuring Pitbull and UMBC’s Down and Dirty Dawg Band.

With fine wines and liquors starting at $150, the new Interdisciplinary Life Sciences Building Bar will also have a drive-thru, offering fresh calamari, enchiladas and horchatas with a purchase of at least three bottles of fine Egyptian wine.

This attempt at bringing in desperately needed funds as well as addressing the parking pandemic on UMBC’s campus is sure to be a crowd-pleaser, says Dr. McSmart, a professor in the Visual Arts Department. “The artsy students on campus are working around the clock to deliver on this fantastic project that will finally put UMBC on the map.”

Students are excited to experience this new and unprecedented combination of the arts with parking services. “I can’t wait to drive into the building on a red carpet! I’ll feel like a movie star,” says Heather Feather, a sophomore Mechanical Engineering major. “Even better, I’ll be able to grab a quick couple of shots before my day begins.”

With regular performances showcasing the arts at UMBC scheduled to occur throughout the day, drivers will feel that their money was well spent. UMBC’s Dance Department is set to perform ballet and modern dances Mondays and Sundays at 7:18 a.m., while every Tuesday and Wednesday the Theater Department will showcase an entirely new musical written by and for UMBC students.

“I can’t wait to get started,” says Red Gled, a junior Theater and Dance double major. “I feel like I don’t have enough to do during my day. Performing in-between rows and rows of cars in the new Interdisciplinary Life Sciences Building Luxury Parking Lot will give me the purpose I have been searching for.”

Students who live on-campus are not worried about the financial burden this new luxury parking garage will place on them since they are already forced to pay for their meal plans. Since the introduction of Gordon Ramsay and Jacques Pepin as head chefs at True Grits Dining Hall, students are more optimistic towards change than ever before.

In fact, a rally is scheduled for April 4 where Residential Life and Off-Campus Student Services will lead the march towards the Administration Building alongside passionate students and staff, ecstatic at the idea of spending more money at UMBC in order to experience a luxury parking lot.

“It’s so important to incorporate the arts into your everyday life,” says Podrick Rodrick, a freshman Psychology major. “I believe in the power of the arts so much, I will happily take out a loan to pay $20 an hour to park in the new Interdisciplinary Life Sciences Building Luxury Parking Lot every day until I graduate!”

In the end, this new investment on the part of UMBC students and the administration is sure to make headlines across Maryland and maybe even the country. Stay tuned on its progress by listening for the cries of students in debt and music featuring Pitbull echoing from what you thought would be just another academic building.

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

Students at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County, frequently (but affectionately) describe their university as “a nerd school.” And while it is true that UMBC has earned recognition for its sports success, a majority of the school’s achievements are academically-centered. This scholastic focus of many students at the school is not difficult to pick up on, as many people are seen poring over textbooks during meals, studying all night at the RLC, doing homework on the bleachers of basketball games, and even using dating apps to find tutors. Because of UMBC students’ intense focus on academics, socialization is often forgotten.

But there is a new student organization coming to campus that aims to change that: Buy Your Friends, or BYF, is a nationwide organization that will soon establish a brand-new chapter right here at UMBC. BYF has dozens of other chapters at different colleges across the country, with both male and female sub-chapters, but UMBC is the first college in Maryland to establish a BYF chapter. This addition to campus was orchestrated by two current students who felt that it was nearly impossible to make friends at UMBC.

“Between my classes, study groups, internship and extracurriculars, I had literally no time to make friends — I barely even had time in my day to eat, sleep or shower,” explains junior biology and psychology major Jennifer Nelson. “I was super stressed all the time but had no one to talk to about it other than my advisor, who was my only friend. So when I heard about BYF, I knew it would be a perfect way to meet people!”

Sophomore theatre major Alexander White agrees with Nelson, claiming, “My major comes with a lot of time commitments, so I never get the chance to hang out with anyone other than my castmates, and I kind of hate them all.”

Nelson and White — who “met” on an online support group for people who do not have friends — contacted the BYF founders to convince them to bring their organization to UMBC. According to Nelson and White, there was little convincing to be done; BYF eagerly accepted their proposition and instantly made plans to found a BYF chapter at UMBC.

“BYF is truly an organization like no other,” gushes co-founder MacKayleigh Hayes. “It is a group of people who support each other, love each other and are always there for each other. The ladies of BYF are more like sisters than friends.”

These sentiments are echoed by Tyler Grant, who helped found BYF with Hayes and came up with the idea to separate the groups into male and female organizations: BYMF and BYFF; as a whole, however, Hayes and Grant refer to their company as BYF. He asserts that “The men of BYF are my bros for life. We are super tight and always have each other’s backs, and I’m really proud to be a BYMF man.”

In regards to the name, “Buy Your Friends,” Hayes and Grant state that they wanted to be as open as possible about what the organization entails: buying your way into a group of friends. Yes, in order to join BYF, you must pay what is called a “pledging fee,” in order to commit to the organization. But not just anyone can buy their way into BYF — you have to be specifically selected to join based on any number of arbitrary criteria.

“Well, duh!” Hayes scoffs. “We cannot just let anyone and everyone into the group, you have to prove your commitment to the organization.” Grant adds that “proving commitment” can mean any number of things, and that the process for joining the organization varies by chapter. Though Grant is “bound by brotherly bonds” from revealing the steps that pledges had to pass before getting inducted into the first BYMF, he does comment, that “it’s some intense shit.”

While Grant and Hayes, in addition to all members of BYF, are apparently forbidden from spilling the secret steps to entering their organization, people who have been rejected by the organization have shared their grievances on social media.

One anonymous freshman who tried to join BYMF at a different college claims that he and several of his “pledge brothers” were blindfolded and driven to different locations around campus, where they were dropped off (still blindfolded) and had to find their way to their “brothers” without ever removing their blindfolds. The freshman failed to find his brothers in the five minutes allotted, so he was not permitted to join the group. Similar stories arise about BYFF, who also have to perform rituals but also are tested on their “womanly instincts,” and have to correct their “pledge sisters’” hair, makeup and outfits.

However, students who get through these processes are rewarded with “the gift of lifelong friendship,” according to Hayes and Grant. “These people mean the world to me, they are my sisters for life and I love them so much, especially my Little!” gushes Hayes.

Students interested in joining BYF, there will be an interest meeting in early May, where Hayes and Grant will talk about their vision for their new group, how to join and other information. Additionally, BYF will show the standard anti-hazing video that UMBC requires all sororities and fraternities to play. Stay tuned to the BYF twitter for more information about UMBC’s newest addition to the Greek Life scene!

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

UMBC’s coed curling team pulled off a historic upset against conference rival Maine, to advance to the satisfactory sixteen of the illustrious NCAA coed curling tournament. In a thrilling finish, the Retrievers defeated the juggernaut Maine Black Bears after a last-second deuce in the last end from aspiring freshman Mary Land.

The deuce came off a picture-perfect delivery from fellow freshman Ray Lewis (not that one) giving UMBC the 7-6 win. All other five points were from six foot seven, 250-pound freshman, Anna Bolic, who recently came back from a suspension for an unknown substance. Maine’s lethal duo of Canadian Transfer students Aubrey Graham and Jimmy Brooks each scored a point while the rest of the points were scored by Junior Junior the IV.

This loss casts doubt on the superstar potential of third-year player Junior, who has set several records for the Maine curling team, this just fuels the narrative that he is all hype and not a substantial leader as another coed championship escapes his grasp. UMBC’s win marks their best postseason record in a decade competing in the coed tournament and signifies Maine’s biggest collapse and worst finish in 25 years.

UMBC Head Coach Dick Cox was bursting with excitement and joy after the win and you could see the looks of ecstasy on the face of the players as they soaked him with a bucket of Gatorade. The opposing coach for Maine, Richard Schitt was distraught seeming almost limp on the bench and was even seen tearing up after the loss.

This draw was an instant classic that unfortunately wasn’t seen by too many, I myself only caught glimpses of the game and in Spanish at that. The bits and pieces I saw live on ESPN 15 aka “El Quince” were highly entertaining and seemed like a gripping duel for the ages.

After this spectacular victory, the Retrievers set their sights on last year’s tournament winner: the University of Alaska Anchorage. The Seawolves are no slouch and show no signs of championship fatigue or rust, which means UMBC will have to be on their A-game if they want to stand a chance against the defending champs. The Seawolves have all-conference skipper Samuel Sung as well as freshman of the year Holden Butts leading the charge.

This Seawolves team was a tour de force in the regular season going undefeated and beating their opponents by an average of five points. The Retrievers face even more of an uphill battle with the recent news that the team will be without three key players for the upcoming game. Senior Jay’Mario Smith was recently suspended from team activities because of an altercation with several freshmen on the team reportedly stemming from one of them drinking from his Gatorade bottle by mistake.

The other two suspensions are academic-related after two sophomores prematurely failed necessary classes thinking they had no work before spring break and skipped their exams. The task may seem impossible but UMBC athletics have a well-documented history of overcoming seemingly inconceivable odds and like the basketball team I think the UMBC’s coed curling team can do the impossible again and continue this miracle season.

On March 27, 2019, UMBC graduate students will gather in the University Center Ballroom to improve their communication skills, share their work, and get to know their UMBC colleagues. The new Graduate Experiences, Achievement, and Research Symposium (GEARS) aims to provide rich professional development opportunities—from showcasing art pieces to mingling with alumni—for students in all fields, right here on campus.

“We want to provide an avenue for people to learn skills that they’re not going to get in the classroom or the lab,” says Alex Rittle, Ph.D. student in geography and environmental systems and chair of the GEARS planning committee.

The opportunities at GEARS include an interviewing workshop led by Susan Hindle, assistant director for internships and employment; an art showcase by students in UMBC’s Intermedia and Digital Art program; an exhibition by emergency health services graduate students; short “Gritty Talks,” modeled after the annual GRIT-X talks at UMBC Homecoming, and traditional poster presentations.

“Preparing a good poster can be more difficult than preparing a talk, but it can provide more bang for your buck,” says Roy Prouty ’16, M.S., atmospheric physics, current M.S. student in computer science, and Graduate Student Association president. Choosing what data to include and laying it out in a way that is easy to follow can be challenging. To help, the GSA organized a workshop prior to GEARS run by Tim Ford, manager of Research Graphics in the College of Natural and Mathematical Sciences, and Joe School, director of the Cartographic Services Laboratory in geography and environmental systems. Both have decades of experience printing posters, and know what makes a good one.

GEARS will also feature a Three Minute Thesis (3MT) competition, the winner of which will compete at the Southern States Regional 3MT contest. The Graduate School supported training from renowned communications coach Scott Morgan for all students who signed up in advance to participate in 3MT.

“Regardless of whether you’re going into industry, the public sector, or academia, you need the skills to be able to tell people what you’re working on,” says Rittle.

Prouty acknowledges that a three minute explanation of one’s dissertation is not the typical talk a researcher would give at a department seminar or academic conference. However, he says, it’s also important to learn “to communicate what you’re doing and what you care about in more informal ways that will make sense to the broader community.”

Mustafa Al-Adhami, Ph.D. ’19, mechanical engineering, and a researcher at UMBC’s Center for Advanced Sensor Technology, won last year’s 3MT and found the experience transformative. After winning at UMBC, he came in second place the Southern States Regional, earning him the right to compete at the national 3MT competition this coming December.

“In real life, I feel like you don’t get more than three minutes,” Al-Adhami says. “So practicing how to do it is valuable.” Al-Adhami is also an entrepreneur, and less than a week after the 3MT regional, he won the elevator pitch contest at the Baylor New Venture Competition in Waco, Texas. “What I learned from 3MT transferred into a totally different enterprise,” he says. Al-Adhami will present his talk after the competitors at this year’s 3MT contest.

GEARS isn’t all serious professional development, though. A social hour where current graduate students can mingle with Graduate School alumni will close out the day. One of the highlights? An activity known as Powerpoint roulette, where participants are given a random Powerpoint slide from an academic presentation and must try to explain it on the spot. There will be prizes in different categories, like most realistic and most creative.

The GSA executive board and GEARS planning committee members are hoping for a strong start for this new offering, and also that it will grow into a popular event for graduate students from all disciplines. “This is something we’re creating that’s new,” says Adam Harvey, Ph.D. student in physics and GSA vice president, “and we’re trying to build on it.”

Banner image: Alex Sestok, Ph.D. student in chemistry, explains her research to a guest. All photos by Marlayna Demond ’11 for UMBC.