Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

Is there a limit to one’s capacity for greed? Eric Carle explores this question in his pathbreaking book, “The Very Hungry Caterpillar.” The novel follows the misadventures of an unnamed protagonist as he literally consumes the world around him, eating out a place within our material-consumer culture.

Despite the somewhat repetitive plot and unassuming prose, Carle presents us with a shocking ending. Rather than criticizing the worst excesses of twenty-first century neoliberalism, marked especially by the destruction of the natural world, “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” celebrates unrestrained avarice, as the caterpillar is rewarded for his overconsumption, transmogrifying at the tale’s conclusion into an iridescent creature from above, casting off its earthly tethers.

Importantly, the condition for this transformation is the depletion of nature, suggested by his endless ingestion of fruits and vegetables, which slowly evolves into more processed goods. This evolution mirrors man’s increasing dependence on novelty goods with absolutely no recognition of who provided those products.

The caterpillar’s final apotheosis frees it from the land, signifying the bourgeois’ purely parasitic relationship to agricultural laborers. This transformation brings the story full circle, arriving back at the Universal Egg. The protagonist, once again, is alone on its little leaf; this suggests alienation, the fundamental condition of civil society in which others are recognized not for their full humanity but only as means to the fulfillment of self-interest. This privileging of selfishness and free consumption is the tragic state of modern capitalism.

Similarly, the butterfly’s ability to fly suggests final liberation from material conditions, demonstrating the fact that the rich have no need to busy themselves with prosaic concerns such as food, water and shelter. However, the caterpillar’s hunger represents the displacement of other desires not met by civil society, namely the desire for meaningful social interaction.

Known only by his masculine pronouns and phallic appearance, the caterpillar’s conspicuous male identity indicates the absence of roles for women in a capitalist world, encouraging us to ask, “What transformation might a female caterpillar expect if she were to attempt such voracious consumption?” The caterpillar’s transformation also suggests the mutability of masculine social roles: men always have access to upward mobility, which is only further fueled by their consumption.

And of course, we cannot ignore the obvious messianic parallels pervading the tale. The caterpillar’s genesis, free from any physical paternal presence, on Sunday no less, clearly marks him as a Christ-like figure. The novel’s conclusion is an obvious allusion to the beatific bliss promised by entry into heaven. Indeed, it is only upon the caterpillar’s transformation into a butterfly — its entry into heaven after the suffering, characteristic of the vale of tears — that he no longer feels compelled to eat. There, God is his nourishment.

Further, the conclusion of the novel in media res suggests the second coming of Christ — his story is not over. In this way, it is much like modernist author James Joyce’s  final opus, “Finnegans Wake,” whose closing sentence serves as a transition back into the novel’s opening sentence.

Although popular narratives of the American Dream and teleological understandings of historical change would have us see the caterpillar’s ascension as a genuine possibility or an inevitability, the fact that the story ends in media res sends readers back to the permanent earthly condition of dearth and alienation with which the novel begins. We cannot escape our terrestrial hunger.

Overall, Carle develops a compelling argument and reminds us of the importance of multi-modal literature in commenting upon a complex society. His subtle reminders of the wake that capitalism leaves upon us ground readers in their own consumptive habits and the reality of their destiny. After reading “A Very Hungry Caterpillar,” one cannot help but feel the crushing weight of their neoliberal manacles.

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

Nearly everyone who has walked past Erickson Field this semester has noticed two geese lounging in the grass, looking for bugs to eat and occasionally waddling close enough to the sidewalk to make students nervous. It seems as though they have claimed the field for themselves, forcing the rest of the geese at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County to flock near the library pond and prevent students from sitting nearby, in fear of attack.

As the geese relax close to Erickson Hall and the Office of Residential Life, it was inevitable that Reslife staff would eventually notice the freeloaders and be forced to make an executive decision on how to handle the situation. John Fox, the Director of UMBC Residential Life, notes the unfairness of letting the geese live on the field. “The geese will be charged a housing fee for the semester,” Fox confirmed, adding, “it’s just unfair for students to be paying thousands to live on campus when others are cheating the system like this.”

An anonymous student has claimed that he too will be moving onto Erickson Field to finish up the semester. “If I had known we could live on the field for free, I would have done this freshman year,” the student complained, noting the high price he has paid for housing throughout his college experience. When asked about his reservations for living with two members of a different species, he boasted that he has no fears. “I did random rooming for this year anyway,” he said. “I probably have more in common with these guys than the people Reslife matched me with.”

On campus, rumors have circulated that Reslife has begun to interview for Residential Assistants for Erickson Field for the next academic year. Fox confirmed these allegations in an interview, noting some of the applicants, all of whom are geese, have shown real potential. “We’re hopeful to add some diversity to the RA staff next year by these additions to the team,” Fox stated. Current RAs are nervous about losing their jobs to birds. “What’s next? The squirrels? This is completely ridiculous,” an anonymous RA commented.

It is clear that big changes are coming to UMBC’s residential life next semester. Questions still remain regarding pricing for housing on Erickson Field, how to house the geese looking to live in other residence halls and guidelines for other species wishing to live on campus.

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

On the cusp of the highly anticipated “Avengers: Endgame,” speculation is rampant as to which characters will bite the dust and which will continue on to future storylines. Fan theories put several of the original six Avengers as doomed to fall, including Tony Stark, but recent contract leaks prove wrong.

During a recent interview with The Daily Bugle, the loose-lipped Spider-Man actor Tom Holland revealed the details to all contractual agreements of every actor credited to a Marvel property. Analysts are unsure why Holland was told of the contracts, and how he memorized them. Nevertheless, the details include casting lists, character sketches and full script summaries to future films post-Endgame.

At the helm of the entire universe, Robert Downey Jr’s portrayal of Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, has carried the Avengers franchise, as well as his solo-adventure Iron Man trilogy. Nearing the end of 2017, there were reportedly no plans for a continuation of the Iron Man franchise. With the dominating success of “Avengers: Infinity War” and projected success of “Avengers: Endgame,” Disney executives have elected to continue the character’s solo title story with “Iron Man 4” set to debut in 2022. Though details of the film’s extended plot are scarce, sources can confirm the film will take in the Musical genre, taking advantage of Downey’s musical prowess.

With Downey’s loaded film schedule including other projects such as the 2021 “Sherlock and Holmes 3” and 2020’s “The Voyage of Doctor Dolittle,” Marvel has negotiated a more than fair price for Downey’s time. Downey is expected to earn $45 million on this project alone with an extra 2.5 percent of the entire film profits as previously negotiated, a projected $70 million total. This establishes Downey as the highest paid superhero genre actor, just edging out Downey’s performance in “Avengers: Age of Ultron” for $35 million and Downey’s performance in “Captain America; Civil War” at $65 million.

Several alumni members of the core Iron Man cast are set to return in the long-awaited sequel. Gwyneth Paltrow returns as Pepper Potts after her heroic rescue in “Avengers: Endgame.” As negotiated by Paltrow and several Disney executives, her appearance hinges on the positive product placement of her self-owned lifestyle brand Goop. To lineup with the wide range of Goop branded products, Pepper will sport a highly advanced nanosuit implanted in her vagina. Goop is also expected to release a whole line of Iron Man themed products as a promotional tie-in including face masks and quartz eggs.

Jon Favreau is also expected to return as Tony’s best friend, Happy Hogan. After his small part in “Spiderman: Homecoming,” Happy now commands an entire fleet of young heroes out of Avengers Tower as their adoptive guardian. One scene in particular features Happy cooking up grilled cheese sandwiches at the Avengers Kitchen for the entire Young Avengers team at the newly renovated Avengers Dormitory.

The most important bit of Iron Man news is the inclusion of a brand new villain into the MCU. The long awaited and teased magical dragon Fin Fang Foom is set to make his cinematic debut in “Iron Man 4,” played by the talented Adam Sandler. Sandler is set to provide all non-musical vocals as well as CGI motion capture for Fin Fang Foom, while the musical numbers will be performed by Grammy award winner Justin Bieber. In addition to Fin Fang Foom, Ben Kingsley’s portrayal of the Mandarin is set to return in a once again comedic role.

Beyond the contractual agreements, Holland was able to reveal that one other MCU veteran will be joining Tony Stark in “Iron Man 4,” in the vein of “Captain America: Civil War.” While many expect Christ Evans to make an appearance, recent tweets from Michael Rooker suggest he has been approached about reprising his role of Mary Poppins, completing the stacked cast and setting the film up for a great success.

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

Recent updates to the processes by which the Student Government Association allocates funds to student organizations have left theatre organizations across campus scrambling. Because SGA will no longer be funding props or costumes, any show that requires particularly showy or expensive costumes, such as Flaherty and Ahren’s beloved classic “Seussical,” is now off the table for these groups.

This change has hit the Musical Theatre Club particularly hard. Despite trying other means to fundraise their spring production, such as selling singing Valentines, the group came up short and was not able to raise enough money to continue with their planned production of “Spring Awakening.” Cast members were devastated: Arthur Podge, a junior math major who had been cast as a supporting role, said, “When I heard the news, it took everything in my power not to throw myself into the library pond.”

But the cast and crew of “Spring Awakening” were not ready to give up on their spring production altogether. Instead of cancelling the show, they got together to brainstorm possible replacement shows that would require very little in terms of props and costumes. The solution? A completely original musical written and composed by members of MTC based on their own lives right here at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County, entitled “Musical Theatre Club! The Musical.”

The show’s plot follows a small group of quirky-yet-lovable theatre kids as they try to balance classes and schoolwork, all while putting on a top-tier show at the end of the semester. But despite their love and passion for theatre, they keep running into increasingly frustrating obstacles while trying to put up the fairly mundane Kinder and Herb musical “Drapery.” “Musical Theatre Club! The Musical”’s writers claim that all the situations and characters depicted in the show are purely fictitious.

“’Musical Theatre Club! The Musical’ is perfect, because we’re playing characters who are UMBC students, just like us,” says MTC president and senior visual arts major Scoot Armchair. “So we can just wear our normal clothes and use stuff we own for props.”

Armchair will star in the show as an alternate version of himself; his character, named ‘Scott,’ is a stressed-out computer science major whose defining characteristic is listening to emo music. This is a stark contrast with the Scoot his castmates all know and love, who is a laid-back guy with an affinity for Taylor Swift and Chopin.

“It’s been really interesting stepping into the roll of ‘Scott.’ I didn’t know if I could connect with a character so different from who I really am, but it’s been a great acting challenge,” Armchair explains. “I wasn’t even going to be in “Spring Awakening,” ‘cause that show sucks, so I’m glad we’re doing this instead.” He also notes it’s been nice to have something to take up his time, considering his class load has been so relaxed this semester.

Lara Mitchell, formerly the director of “Spring Awakening” and now of “Musical Theatre Club! The Musical,” is excited to be directing her first original production, but is also nervous about having to teach so much blocking in the few short weeks before the show’s April 12 premier in the Fine Arts Recital Hall. The junior biochemistry major explained that much of the script is improvisational, meaning there are few lines for the cast to memorize, “but there are at least five full-company dance numbers to learn. And we have to get the scene at the end, where Hrabowski teaches us that the real SGA allocation was the friends we made along the way, or the whole show falls flat.” When asked who would be portraying Hrabowski, Mitchell stated that no one had been cast yet, but that she had “something very special in the works.”

Despite the time crunch, cast members are excited. Podge, who has been cast as an English student named ‘Ari’, is ready to put in the times and effort to get this show perfect by opening night. “I love ‘Spring Awakening,’ but ‘Musical Theatre Club! The Musical’ is amazing. Honestly, next-level stuff,” he says. “I’ll be surprised if we don’t win [the Tony award for] Best Score, or at least Best Supporting Actress.”

Mark your calendars now for April 12, 13 and 14 — it sounds like this show is one you’re not going to want to miss.

Port Discovery Children’s Museum, one of the top Children’s Museum in the United States and a top cultural institution in Baltimore’s Inner Harbor, is seeking a Performance Specialist.

General Summary of the Job

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

As actors and actresses learning to navigate the world of auditions and casting calls, it is important to know what a director will be looking for. So let’s put ourselves in a director’s shoes, shall we? If I were a director, I might believe a successful cast should be accountable, easy to work with, focused, and talented. That seems like a really complicated casting process though, and way too much hard work. Directors can’t really pay attention to all of those qualities for every person that auditions.

It would be much easier if I could just cast the actors and actresses I’ve already worked with to save myself a lot of trouble judging the character of strangers. Yes, I like that idea. I could create my “cast” from people I already know have the talent I’m looking for. I could even cast some of my friends, because I’m pretty sure they have talent.

If I cast my friends, I won’t have to give notes to any of them as I am positive they will do everything the way I want them to for every scene. If I already know who I want to cast, what’s to stop me from simply assigning roles before auditions? Yes, I can save myself a lot of trouble by simply creating the cast list right now. Of course, I will still hold open auditions as a formality; maybe I’ll even hold callbacks just to have a bit of fun watching the false hope of those called back, just to make it all a bit more exciting.

I know this plan won’t work out perfectly. We’ve all experienced directors like these; the ones that cast their own daughter as the lead, or have the same two or three people playing the main characters year after year. A lot of casting decisions are simply made based on appearance, and not ability or accountability, as we know.

This will be a bit different though, not to mention much subtler. Let’s not forget, many directors are also actors themselves. What if I, as a director, decided I would rather have a role in the performance? I can simply reach out to a vague director friend nobody has ever heard of, ask them to direct the show, and persuade them to cast me.

Now I can play the lead role I desired, perform with a cast I already know personally, and work with a good friend as my director. This is not so absurd, as I have seen it work before. The director at this particular community college desired to play the character of Lady Bracknell; a character who’s snobby, holier-than-thou personality was very similar to that of the actress playing her. And play the character she did, almost as well as the other actresses that had also auditioned for the role.

What a performance this will be. How will I pay for this show, you ask? Well, I will simply reach out to the parents of the ensemble, cast for this exact purpose of having useful relatives. This, my fellow actors and actresses, is the secret to getting the role you want every single time.

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

The UMBC Linguistics department routinely deals with the study of language and its evolution throughout human history, but scholars have recently made a breakthrough in understanding the most secretive civilization of them all: the UMBC Administration.

Dr. Michael Simmons, a professor of Linguistics, who has recently published his findings in Language and Cultures of Obscure Civilizations Quarterly, described the source of his breakthrough: “We’ve been looking through some of the texts that the administration has put out, and we’ve discovered two key components of their culture: constant lying and veiled threats.”

Simmons pointed to a recent statement that the administration put out, adding, “If you look at this sentence about ‘moving forward,’ we’ve understood that this is a coded threat. You have to understand the aggression behind this.”

According to the linguistics department, the UMBC Administration’s culture is defined by a specific type of self-preservation that involves preemptively silencing the grievances of others. “Their culture is almost this sort of fever dream of chaos and bullshit,” linguistics senior and researcher Sherri Moran said, solemnly staring at a PR statement from the administration.

Moran attempts to understand these unusual mannerisms as cultural quirks, only seeming unusual to our sensibilities because of its differences. “But I gotta tell you, even I have my limits,” she explained. “I understand that every culture is built on different values and norms, but this isn’t going to be effective in the long run.”

When asked for comment, the administration produced a PR statement that was unfit for print due to its incomprehensible nature. However, both Simmons and Moran have managed to decipher the text. “They want you to shut up,” they said.