Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

Every year in the spring, some of the biggest artists in the world gather at the University of Maryland, Bible College (UMBC for short) for what is perhaps one of the biggest musical spectacles in the world. These artists come together for what is perhaps the most magical 26 minutes in music. This event is, of course, the legendary Quadmania.

Of course, the event has come to be misnamed over the years, as UMBC no longer has a fucking quad. In place of where the legendary festival used to be, the school has placed a new building. So, instead of a week full of games and music, the area on campus which used to be the quad is home to the new Freeman Hrabowski Interdisciplinary up-and-coming state of the art initiative leadership gritty mcgritface life sciences coffee shop building.

But have no fear, the legendary festival lives on. The cathedral which is Erickson Field has been hosting the event over the last few years. What was once home to all-time great Frisbee, and football games, and the mythical Finalsmas tree now gets to host what is perhaps the most notable event ever to grace the sacred grass of Leif Erickson’s birthplace.

On Monday, the much-anticipated announcement of this year’s Quadmania artist was made. Thousands of students lined up on Commons Main Street to hear the news. After people had camped for days to hear the news, the crowd was thrown into a frenzy as SEB informed them of who this year’s headlining artist would be.

The artist that they announced was Cheat Codes, an electronic DJ group from Los Angeles. “Who the fuck is Cheat Codes?” exclaimed James Smith, a senior who majors in some useless science bullshit. This sentiment was echoed throughout the crowd, as nobody had ever heard of the group before.

The group consists of three DJs: some dude who looks like Chase from Zoey 101, a guy who looks like he dropped toupee and it got sucked up by a vacuum and a guy with a weird man bun. They sample music from good artists and refine it with their mediocre lyrics. Overall, this group does not compare well to the music icons that have come to UMBC in the past, such as his majesty Sir Savage the 21st.

Students on campus and fans worldwide are furious with the choice by SEB. SGA president Collin Sullivan shares this disdain. In an interview after the announcement, Sullivan said, “I can’t believe we pay SEB all of this money, and this is what they came up with. They had all year to find us a world-class artist like Big Time Rush, Nickelback or Florida Georgia Line, but no, we get Cheat Codes.”

In response to SEB’s decision, the SGA Senate held an emergency meeting on Monday afternoon. During the meeting, they decided to pull their current budget plan off of the table and cut SEB’s funds in half. Regarding the decision Executive Vice President, and lifelong Big Time Rush fan Vrinda Deshpande said, “Obviously SEB is misusing the money we gave them, and this is the only appropriate way to rectify the situation.”

But, not everyone on campus is angry about the selection. UMBC President Freeman Hrabowski III was seen late on Monday evening wearing a Cheat Codes t-shirt. “Well, this band is really up and coming,” he said. “I’ve been listening to them for the last few years, and I honestly could not name a better band for this event. The kids are most definitely going to be raising the roof and all that nonsense.” Hrabowski then giddily skipped away like a school girl. There are suspicions around campus that he may have influenced the selection process, but there is no evidence to support that at this time.

Quadmania takes place in the RAC on April 28 at 7 p.m. You can buy your tickets on tickets.umbc.edu for $entirely too much. Do not wait, these tickets are sure to sell out fast!

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

In the upcoming months, the UMBC campus will be getting a facelift, but this remodeling might surprise many people. Campus funds were allocated, not to spruce up Lecture Hall 1 or to put safe, functioning elevators in the Fine Arts Building, but to instead pursue an ambitious landscaping enterprise.

Officials have challenged landscapers with turning the campus into a ginormous hedge maze. Landscapers will be shipping in truckloads of plant-life via the Commons Loop starting in the next couple of weeks. Traffic will thus be even more congested than normal for commuters looking to park in the Commons Garage. As a way to draft out the maze, landscapers will be laying out large wooden fences all over campus, so make sure to take this all into account when leaving for class.

The maze hedges, standing eleven feet tall, will benefit UMBC wildlife by providing a home for the squirrels. There will only be one correct path that leads to each academic building, and it is predicted that there will be at least 100 dead ends. In case students get lost in the maze for long amounts of time, University Health Services will set up emergency snack stations complete with kale chips, granola bars, fruit snacks and bottled water. If a student gets lost in the maze overnight, sleeping bags can be found on the sides of the hedge maze.  Officials estimate that the new addition of the hedge maze will add at least an extra two hours to students’ class commute.

Because UMBC boasts about having innovative students, referees will be placed throughout the maze to ensure students do not attempt to climb over or go through the hedges. Students will not be allowed to create any sort of maze solving algorithm; computer science professors will be charged with enforcing this.

When asked why campus officials decided to create the hedge maze in the first place, Dr. Freeman Hrabowski stated, “UMBC is a school that actively promotes problem solving, and we believe the hedge maze will allow students to actively practice problem solving skills such as finding their way through a maze and still arriving at class on time. The addition of the maze will only reinforce UMBC values of creative thinking and punctuality.”

As a way to encourage students to be enthusiastic about UMBC’s new look, the administration has teamed up with supporting student organizations such as SEB and the Garden. SEB is planning several treasure hunts throughout the maze, and if a student is lucky, they could just find a lifetime supply of ramen sitting at one of the dead ends. The Garden will sell different types of plants to decorate the hedges in order to create a healthy new habitat for wildlife and will also sponsor nature walks during free hour.

The maze is predicted to be up and running by the start of the 2019 Fall semester. Numerous professors have already stated that they will not accept “I got lost in the maze” as a legitimate excuse for being late to class, so put those thinking caps on and get ready to solve UMBC’s newest problem.

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

Grugg the UMBC Facility Gremlin recently released a statement in which he announced his retirement in order to restructure his life. Grugg’s tenure at UMBC has resulted in what he believes is his best work but has had a deleterious effect on his mental health. He said, “Grugg proud of [my] work at UMBC. Grugg shut off power and water several times, but Grugg need to make changes. Grugg asked to do [a] lot this year, and Grugg want to spend more time with wife and kids [and] eat drumsticks.”

Grugg is one of UMBC’s earliest staff members, dating back to the founding of the campus. For decades, Grugg has been able to perform admirably thanks to his ability to sustain himself on raw squirrel meat and the 300-year lifespan of a gremlin. “Grugg shook [hands with] founders. Grugg saw library being built. Grugg [will be] sad to leave campus.”

Fortunately, Grugg was well-compensated for his efforts. He has recently been able to re-slime his lair thanks to his work during the fall. But, according to Grugg, a re-slimed lair is far from sufficient. The income that his wife Urkra makes as a Printer Gremlin has enabled the family to expand the lair several feet downwards. But, she has noticed Grugg’s mental health has deteriorated as a result. She said, “Grugg too tired for time with me or the spawn. He not happy, just watch SlimeFlix all day.”

The administration intends on replacing Grugg with a new hire, Fronkk.  Critics point out that Fronkk is inexperienced. Engineering junior Stacy Roberts said, “If you look at a pipe leak, you can see that it requires a very specific touch to accomplish. Grugg was classically trained, but Fronkk has no idea how to break a pipe.”

Fronkk addressed these accusations on Twitter, “Fronkk can smash pipes. Watch YouTube video.” Fronkk’s video showcases his pipe-breaking skills, but critics claim that he has manipulated the footage. Visual arts sophomore Joey Anderson said, “Just reverse the footage. Oldest trick in the book. Note that he also hasn’t addressed if he can shut the power off.”

Still, there are those who have even stronger opinions. In an expletive-laden statement, Assistant Minister of Facilities Alice Young said, “Why the [redacted] do we need a [redacted] Facility Gremlin?! Who the [redacted] thought a Facility Gremlin was a good idea?! Why are we hiring one to intentionally break our [redacted] pipes?! This is ridiculous and a waste of money!”

Despite, Young’s objections, Fronkk will still be hired next fall. As for Grugg’s post-UMBC plans, he mentions, “I go to find sworn enemy, Kreesh. I break his pipes.”

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire. 

Two more sets of parents have been exposed for bribing university officials for their children to attend top-tier universities, joining the more than 50 parents who have already been indicted in the scandal, this time with connections to the University of Maryland, Baltimore County.

In a press brief sent out by Inside Higher Ed yesterday, it was reported that the parents paid in excess of $100,000 for their children to be accepted to UMBC.

“We really just needed pictures of [name redacted] playing football,” said one parent in an exclusive interview with The Retriever. “That was all it took.” According to the Athletics Department, there is no football team at UMBC.

Another parent stated that she paid extra for her child to get an almost-perfect score on his math SAT, resulting in admittance to the Meyerhoff Scholars Program. Was it worth it? “We’ll have to see,” she said. “If he doesn’t get into UMD for graduate school, I might have to pull some more strings.”

The Meyerhoff Scholars Program stated that the student is not a member or a friend of the program, but the student’s mother disagrees. “It’s on his resume,” she said. “He’s been admitted.”

As of last Friday, the students are still attending the university, but protests have started outside the A.O.K. Library calling for their expulsion.

One Meyerhoff scholar who was protesting said that she doesn’t believe those students implicated in the scandal are true Retrievers. “I had to work for my SAT scores,” she said. “And you’re telling me they got in, no stress? I cried at least once a day during summer bridge and couldn’t touch the grass. I saw [name redacted] walking in the grass the other day. This is unacceptable.”

Another student expressed confusion about the university’s football team. “I didn’t think we had one,” she said, “but then I went into the bookstore and saw a ‘UMBC’s football team is undefeated’ t-shirt and I was like, okay.”

University officials have declined to comment on this situation, but President Hrabowski has taken care to make sure [name redacted] is distanced from the Meyerhoff Scholars Program. “This is absolute fraud,” he stated in an email sent out to Meyerhoff Scholars last Friday. “We have never, or will never, lower our standards to admit students with almost-perfect SAT scores. This student is not a member of the Meyerhoff community.”

Though the student may not be a member of the Meyerhoff community, he is definitely a member of the UMBC community. The Retriever reached out to UMBC’s financial services office to discover if the two students implicated in the scandal paid tuition, or were just imposters. “[name redacted] and [name redacted] both pay tuition to attend UMBC,” wrote the office in an email correspondence.

While this is certainly troubling, The Retriever knows campus administration will act swiftly and carefully in dealing with this matter. If not, the campus will for sure be a full house.