Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

In a shocking turn of events, everything sucks and nothing is funny. According to Pam, 56, the newer generations have lead the world to upheaval and hell. “You say one damned thing about someone, their family, their lifestyle or their dog and everyone’s up your ass for ‘being’ a bitch.” It seems the years of discomfort stomaching jokes at one’s expense are over. “You just think about what the world has come to. You gotta be polite to everyone? No thank you.”

Elders and Boomers of the community have overtime recognized and labeled the Political Correctness Crisis, fearing for their livelihood and the health of their children as this epidemic spreads. I sat down with Bob Grimes, born in Baltimore, and his wife Sharon, to discuss the details. The elderly couple have been members of the RPCAS (Revolting Against Political Correctness Society) for over a decade.

“Sharon and I, we don’t want nothing fancy, we just want a return to order and the good American Way. These kids just can’t call things the way they are. They’re brainwashed!” Sharon proceeded to document a heinous incident. “In my day, you called anyone who you objectively saw as out of shape a fatso, regardless of your knowledge of their health.”

“Kids today? All about ‘body-positivity’ and all this validating people’s bodies as obviously and inherently beautiful and their humanity independent of such a mundane factor as appearance.” Sharon reiterates how absurd this truly disheartening pattern is. “God, I tell you I miss good ol’ blatant racism and homophobia. Now that its all over since gays marry and the last president was black, everyone’s all up in arms. Can’t even throw out slurs to emotionally scar anyone anymore.”

It doesn’t take much to spot what a plague more universal kindness has unleashed. Take, for example, humor. Gone are the days of deprecating, embarrassing or slur-ridden jokes at other’s expense. Look to any empathetic, if morbid, millennial conversation, and you’ll find humor ranging on self-deprecation, shared social experiences or memes, both living and dead.

This general increase in not only tolerance but support — support, can you imagine? — of minorities and fellow human beings is ruining humor. In fact, it is ruining everything. What will our society do without publicly humiliating others and following whatever intrusive comment was made with accusations of oversensitivity? What happened to being willfully ignorant and cruel? What dark corner America is headed towards, we perhaps must patiently wait and see. Oh the Humanity.

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

I am a joke, a goddamn joke. My life is a lie. I am just smiling stupidly as I ignore crisis after crisis that piles up around me. I have, like, three different essays to finish this week. I started one maybe? I cannot even remember. Jesus.

What the hell do I even think I am doing with my life? I’m trying to get a degree in philosophy, for fuck’s sake. That is a meme degree, as in there are literal memes about how lame philosophy degrees are. What do I think I will do for work? Quote Sartre in exchange for food? I could maybe go all Diogenes and live in a barrel, yelling at random people about how fake society is. That might work.

No, there’s no way I could pull that off.

This is saying nothing about the money I already owe. I am quite literally drowning in student debt. When I get out of this hellhole I will owe what, six figures? That is money I do not have, and likely will never have. Besides, it will hardly matter. I doubt bankruptcy will get me before some climate disaster or dystopian fascist mob gets me.

What is even the goddamn point of it all? Why am I here, just going through the motions, pretending everything is fine when it very clearly is not fine? Why am I acting like I have a future to prepare for? Why? Why I am I here if there’s no future for me, for anyone?

Bah, this angsty pessimism is self-indulgent and stupid. There’s nothing tragically romantic about burning out in college. If the world really is crumbling around us this nonsense is less of a swan song and more of an anticlimax. We aren’t going gentle into that good night, we’re watching anime while the world burns.

Well, at least the anime is pretty good, but that’s beside the point.

So, I guess the flavor of the day is “hanging on in quiet desperation.” No sense in trying to fight that, just work it. Make memes about how screwed we all are. Write self-aware satirical articles about how much a joke I am. Submit that article, like, a week late.

It does not really make the dread or angst go away, but it certainly makes it easier to play off. Get a couple of laughs in. Folks can use it for validation, either as “#relatable” content or by smugly writing a comment about how the stupid lefty opinions writer thinks ecological collapse will kill him, as if your goofy ass doesn’t think the rapture is coming or that universal healthcare will kill democracy or something.

I am a goddamn joke, no matter which way I play it. Hell, who isn’t? This is the condition of the entire damn generation, really. Either we play into the desperate twenty-something tropes or we push back against it, becoming the butt of someone else’s memes. And trust me, everyone is the butt of someone else’s memes.

Cancer Research Opportunity (Molecular Mechanisms of Squamous Carcinogenesis) at the Food and Drug Administration, Silver Spring, MD

Research: A fulltime position is available to join a research team working to elucidate the specific contributions of molecular changes observed in human squamous cancers of the head and neck to cancer pathogenesis.  Studies will utilize a combination of molecular, biochemical and cell-based approaches. Our research is focused on the role of p53/p63/p73 family gene products (with an emphasis on DNp63a) and their interactions with the RAS and NFkB pathways. The ideal candidate would be a team player with a positive attitude and with previous experience in a basic research setting.  

Position Type: Post-baccalaureate/Master’s fellowship.

One-two year position, starting early summer, 2019.

Qualifications: Applicants must have received a Bachelors or Master’s degree in Biological Sciences, or related disciplines appropriate to the position, from a US-accredited institution within five (5) years of the desired starting date. Hands on experience in biochemistry, molecular biology, and primary cell culture are desired. Note: All applicants must be able to pass a Tier One security screen (non-sensitive), with a residency requirement of three of the past five years in the United States.

How to Apply: E-mail a letter of interest and copy of your CV containing academic history, employment history, relevant experiences and two educational/professional references to: Wendy.Weinberg@fda.hhs.gov and Kathryn.kingk@fda.hhs.gov

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

Earlier today, a local satire article was found discussing a Pertinent Topic About the World. The article did an excellent job of describing the Pertinent Topic About the World in a dumbed-down and shallow manner, glossing over the nuances and cherry-picking the details.

The article employed many tricks in this oversimplification, using clever remarks, sarcastic phrases and blunt statements to highlight the main issues of the Pertinent Topic About the World. One thing that this article fell short on, however, was a solution to the Pertinent Topic About the World. In other words, this article failed to provide anything of value.

In a result that surprises nobody, it turns out that while satire does touch on truths about the world around us, it also offers absolutely nothing in terms of a solution. It provides ample opportunity for the author to show off a tongue-in-cheek opinion. It enables them to yammer on about a ridiculous idea gone too far. However, in the larger picture, these things are worthless.

We interviewed a satire writer with the hopes to elucidate the value of satire. “Who doesn’t like the status of being a pseudo-intellectual?“ replied Joe Bernstein, a satirist for The Retriever. “You get to seem intelligent without doing anything an intelligent person does.” When prompted about what intelligent people do, he replied, “they do things for the world.” Unsurprisingly, he had no reason as to why satire mattered outside of his own egocentric fantasies.

While Joe Bernstein is the least of all satire writers, this trend holds true for even the greats. Unlike other types of articles that arguably provide raw facts, satire does none of that. One can obtain as much information from a blank piece of paper as they can from an entire paper filled with satire. The only difference is that staring at a blank piece of paper does not trick the viewer into thinking they are expanding their mind.

While satire articles provide very few positives, they do boast a wealth of negative impacts. Satire articles perpetuate the false belief that cynicism is a useful manner of communication. Rather than trying to fix the problem in a genuine manner, satire offers a means to use laughter to ignore the problem as it continues to spiral out of control.

Satire also acts as an excellent tool to cause chaos and upset. In an imperfect world where common sense is a commodity, people often times have extreme reactions to satire. So much so, in fact, that disclaimers are needed to alert the reader that what they are reading is untrue.

Almost even more ridiculous than such a disclaimer, though, is the fact a newspaper would even consider publishing something untrue to begin with.

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

In an effort to deter students from conducting academic dishonesty, UMBC has implemented new policies for those caught in the act. The worse the crime, the harsher the punishment. One student so far has been unfortunate enough to truly experience the consequences of his own actions with the most severe of penalties.

It happened at the Commons Parking Garage on Thursday March 14. Apparently, as the student was approaching his car on the second floor, he was greeted by his math professor smashing out the windows of his shiny new Tesla.

“You’re too lazy to find x yourself?” The professor was reported shouting as he swung mercilessly at the vehicle. “Oh I’ll help you find X alright — it’s gonna be easier to spot now!” Of course, he was referring the cheater’s now-defiled Tesla Model X. It wasn’t long before a crowd of students rushed over to witness the drama for themselves.

The action was so hot that even a crowd of squirrels from Academic Row scurried over to see the beating go down. The critters were seen munching on trashed Chick-Fil-A atop the garage ledge while they witnessed the enraged professor use the steel bat to destroy the luxury car.

When word of this spread, The Retriever rushed to the scene and tried to get the cheater’s comment, but he profusely declined. “Can’t you see I’m having a bad day? I paid over $80k for that car, man!” Punching his arms wildly in anger, he stormed away as he muttered something about his dad being able to pay for another car.

Reporters tried to get another word about why he would then commit such an act knowing that this could have happened. Instead of a direct reply, he turned and pointed at the professor, yelling “You’ll hear from my lawyer about this!” Meanwhile, some students snickered to the side, “You think insurance will cover this?” A freshman at the scene of the wreckage found a positive light to this, explaining, “Well, that’s one less commuter I have to compete with for parking.”

In an exclusive interview with the professor in his office, where various baseball trophies were displayed in the background, he said that he didn’t regret smashing the expensive car of the fraudulent student, as he knew what he was getting himself into.

“At the beginning of the semester when this was announced, we had all students taking courses sign an electronic forum agreeing to the terms of the new policy, and the possible consequences they may face. Considering that kid stole my tests? Of course I was going to take action.” Picking up his shiny blue metallic bat, he grinned and said, “You ‘batter’ believe it.”

Of course, many were wondering what led to this situation. “Boy, let me tell you. It’s quite a story.” The professor said, placing his prized bat on the rack behind him and crossing his legs. “Towards the beginning of the semester, I noticed a test or two of mine missing overnight, including the answer key. Which seemed strange, because my door was locked, you know?”

“After this happened a second time, I decided to install a camera to see how this was happening.” Laughing before he continued, “Next thing you know as I’m watching the footage, this student jumps down from the ceiling, carefully picks a test or two with the answer keys and scrambles back up the ceiling!”

While the professor admits he was impressed, he needed to show the student who the boss was around here. “I didn’t want to call him in. No. He wanted to surprise me? Well, me and Batty over here,” he pointed behind him towards his blue bat, “were going to teach him a lesson.” Hence, the car smack-down on Thursday that ensued.

Head Academic Integrity Officer Rufus Haynes is happy with these new initiatives, as he says, “At UMBC, we take integrity very seriously. That is what grit is all about, right?” After he heard about the drama that went down at the Commons Parking Garage, he shrugged his shoulders. “That student knew what he was getting himself into. We take cheating seriously, and he simply didn’t take it seriously enough. Period.”

It seems that these new consequences are working, as many students say that they are now deterred from cheating. One student who wished to remain anonymous commented, “I’m not gonna lie, man. I always try and sneak helpful hints in on my Chem 101 tests.”

The chemistry major cited that since tests were weighted at 95% of his overall grade, he gave in to pressure to commit academic dishonesty. However, after the Tesla breakdown, he stated, “However, since I drive an Audi, I’m going to have to actually pick up a book and start studying. No way is Dr. Carpenter going to pull out a bat out on my vehicle.”

As for the student? The Retriever contacted the Office of Academic Integrity, but they said they cannot reveal student information. Nevertheless, multiple student sources confirm that he is going to be expelled. “He was in my class as a pre-med student,” one student explained, facepalming their head. “Imagine explaining that on your medical school application.”

Happy April Fools’ Day! You are reading an article written for our April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, The Deceiver. This is a work of satire.

Due to outrage over the haze above UMBC resulting from a mix of body odor and bad breath, Common App is instituting a new hygiene supplement to the application. Many students have turned to face masks to avoid the stench emanating from students.

“When I walk by most of the STEM buildings, sometimes my eyes burn,” said Ben Jones, a photography major. “I go to class out of breath most days because of having to walk up the hill by the ITE building.”

After UHS was flooded by complaints from students struggling to avoid the “stink” areas (directly in front of Meyerhoff and Math and Psychology buildings), President Hrabowski declared a campus-wide state of emergency, rationing out deodorant to the students who seemed to not understand personal hygiene. He declined to comment, opting to just shake his head.

UMBC’s administration, desperate and confused, reached out to Common App in order to create the requirement. Students must now scan and upload a receipt verifying that they purchased any form of hygiene products in the past two months. STEM students are also required to upload a letter of recommendation from two friends, stating that they aren’t foul-smelling.

“You would think that a bunch of 18 to 30-year-olds would be capable of slathering on some frigging deodorant underneath their goddamn armpits before they trudge across campus, but apparently not,” said one disgruntled administrator. “And don’t even get me started on the shower epidemic!”

UMBC is considering offering “Basic Hygiene” courses under the Health Administration and Policy degree. Some professors are even pushing for replacing the recently removed Physical Education requirement with Basic Hygiene Courses. The proposed courses include Showering 101, 102 and 201 as well as Proper Laundry Technique and Please For the Love of God Brush Your Teeth.

“You guys realize we have to breathe this air too right? Every day before class I have to pump myself up to come onto this campus and smell all of you idiots,” said Professor Smythe, who holds a Ph.D. in chemistry.

With all of these new initiatives in place, UMBC hopes to move forward tackling this true public health crisis, but the future remains to be seen.

UMBC provides many resources for the campus community to best prepare for tax season and to learn about financial literacy! 

Check out these upcoming free tax preparation events with UMBC VITA, a group of trained student volunteers who prepare tax returns for free. Eligible clients earn less than $55,000 in household income. Appointments are required. Email VITA@UMBC.edu to request an appointment.

• VITA April 5
• VITA April 6

April is also Career Month at UMBC, and there will be many events taking place around financial literacy and career readiness!

• Personal Branding April 4
• UMBC Suits You April 3 & 4

Check out more details and find upcoming events hosted by Financial Smarts @ UMBC!

Paid stage manager gig for Fools and Madmen's hip hop adaptation of Much Ado About Nothing, co-produced by Motor House.

Stage Manager for a hip hop adaptation of William Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing. The show will tour and perform at Baltimore City Public Schools, plus one weekend of ticketed evening performances at Motor House this May 2019.

Rehearsals:

Rehearsals run April 8-May 26

First read = April 8

Blocking/working rehearsals = April 10-May 22 Mondays, Wednesdays, Saturdays

Tech/Dress rehearsals = May 23, 25, 26