This is a work of satire.

Over 130,000 years ago, an ancient cousin to modern humanity swam across the ocean and found themselves in what is referred to in modern times as America. This America, however, was not full of people driving on the right side of the road, nor was it populated by staunch opponents of the metric system. As a matter of fact, America was not even America back then. It was simply land.

And so, the first thing these people did when arriving was what any intelligent being would do: bury all of the dead bodies they carried with them during the journey. They dug holes in massive dirt circles, stowing the bodies inside for their ancient gods to watch over, protect and read stories to.

This massive circle of a burial ground is now called Hilltop Circle — home to our dear UMBC. At first, the gods of the deceased cousins of humanity welcomed the Honors University, for it offered them a sense of amusement. With time, the amusement turned to sorrow and then to anger, for the gods had no idea how students could show such contempt for their own selves through their abundant binging on both Netflix and alcohol.

Using the campus’s necromancer, we managed to secure an interview with Chilithroat, the ancient god of sound decision making. “It’s disgusting,” he said in his guttural and booming voice. “These students act out these rituals of downing copious amounts of some mystical drink. It calls in wicked spirits who cause them to make bad choices towards others and themselves, then regurgitate their body juices.” At this point, he simply shook his head and sighed. “Spirits aren’t what they used to be,” he said.

To take revenge on the pesky students, the gods of these people have struck plagues on campus. These plagues mainly take on the form of power outages and burst water pipes. A horde of zombies, risen from the dead by the ritual circle beside the Performing Arts and Humanities Building, recently dressed up as RAC maintenance workers and destroyed various pipes.

Similarly, other corpses of the undead have been found snipping the wires to campus power supplies for three weeks in a row. However, they did not understand the basic concepts of electricity. The broken wires proceeded to electrocute them back to death once again. Chilithroat refused to answer whether or not these new deaths were the result of sound decision-making. “At least they’re not massacring their time by watching dumb TV shows under the guise of ‘rest,'” he spat back. At this point, the necromancer banished him as the lights began to flicker and the lightning started to strike. The last thing the campus needed was another plague.

Unfortunately for the students, some of the undead can be found attending classes. They take on the appearance of extremely fatigued and sleep-deprived individuals. Students can take solace, though: with so few students on campus who get insufficient sleep, it should prove to be no issue at all spotting which students are millennia-old zombies and which ones are not.

Administration is working overtime now to appease these ancient gods and convince them that the copious amounts of time, money and lives spent on drinking and Netflix is a normal, healthy activity. As of writing this article, these ancient deities are not convinced and the plagues will continue on.

As adults, it is students’ personal responsibility to engage in smart decision making, and one smart decision is to be wise when it comes to using contraceptives. According to the National Sexual Health Association, one in two adults will contract an STI before the age of 25. Furthermore, the CDC predicts that more than 200,000 teenagers may face the decisions that come with an unplanned pregnancy. UMBC’s UHS has been distributing free contraceptives for the last five years, but are these protections enough to encourage the student body to engage in safe sexual activity?

Currently, contraceptives such the male condom, dental dams and female condoms can be found around campus at residential halls, the Mosaic, the Women’s Center and University Health Services for free. However, when seeing the quantity of contraceptives bins open to the student body, it is not unexpected that many individuals might wonder what prompted the UHS to give them away and what other ways it is helping to ensure students stay safe on campus.

According to Jackie Mungos, one of UMBC’s health educators, the primary drive to give away free contraceptives was due to an increase of STDs around campus. The UHS believes that one-third of students may be sexually active, and these precautions were expected to help decrease the risk of STDs that could potentially harm the student body. Their department neither wanted to encourage or discourage sex on campus, but wanted to ensure students’ safety. Mungos stated, “Students should take advantage of the free resources … A lot of the barriers people face are because they don’t have access or the funds for it.”

Within the US, the rate of STDs is at an all-time high. The CDC predicted that in 2017, more than 2,295,739 individuals had been infected with an STD, and the amount of chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis cases is rapidly rising. Adults ages 15 to 24 are among the groups with the highest rates of contracting STDs, and students should become aware of their reproductive health as a result.

When undiagnosed, STDs and STIs not only have the potential to spread, but without treatment they can lead to disastrous consequences later in life. Diseases such as the human palliation virus have been known to lead to various forms of cancer such as cervical, anal and vaginal cancers. Additionally, chlamydia can lead to life-threatening circumstances such as ectopic pregnancy in women.

The UHS helps to promote sexual health and wellness throughout the year by having seminars discussing topics such as birth control and HIV awareness, along with their contraceptive’s bins. These services guarantee that students are in control of their sexual health and reaffirm students’ trust with staff by allowing them to learn about reproductive health in a constructive environment.

“It is better to have them as an option then nothing at all,” said freshman mechanical engineering major Niko Patrikios.

It is more important than ever for students to be aware of their sexual health because of the lifelong benefits such knowledge provides. Knowing more can ensure that students understand the weight of their decisions in the bedroom, and free contraceptives on campus are guaranteed to start a discussion between students and their health professionals about what they can do to take charge of their sexual health.

Recently, a climate report was released by the UN suggesting that drastic changes to the global production of greenhouse gases are necessary to prevent global temperatures from rising so much that the environment is irreparably damaged.

UMBC has made significant strides toward sustainability in recent years. Between 2007 and 2017, there has been an 18 percent decrease in emissions and the purchase of 30 percent renewable energy, and there is hope for our campus to become greener still. The students and the administration should all be doing what they can to help move the school toward more sustainability.

Global Studies major and president of the Environmental Task Force Elizabeth Eakes said, “The new Ozzi containers in D-Hall are a great step toward sustainability on campus.”

She continued, “The fact that students can reuse a container instead of using styrofoam is very positive, and it looks like students are taking advantage of that. Hopefully, that concept of reusable containers comes to Commons as well.”

Eakes also noted the school’s commitment to update their Climate Action Plan. The Climate Action plan, last revised in 2010, is “a comprehensive plan to achieve climate neutrality as soon as possible,” according to the overview within the document. The plan also promises tangible actions to reduce greenhouse gas emissions while the comprehensive steps are developed.

Students in environmental organizations are not the only people with ideas on how to improve campus sustainability. Siju Oshin, a sophomore psychology major, said, “We could be better about not creating waste. I see people throw away papers in trash cans when they could be recycled, and some people don’t seem to know any better. We could definitely use more information about how to be greener.”

Students seem to agree that UMBC has some great green practices, but they also note many of the same opportunities for progress. Education about sustainability is an important first step. Students should look into ways to save energy and always make sure to dispose of their items in the proper containers to avoid generating unnecessary waste.

Another important step would be organizing consistent opportunities for students to share their thoughts on how the campus can be more sustainable. Clearly, students have a lot to say already, and it is important that student voices are taken into account so that new ideas can contribute to the work to make our campus greener.

It is not acceptable to operate with the mentality that the planet is already doomed or that nothing UMBC students do will make a difference.

Students can make a difference, especially with a unified effort, whether that means checking to make sure their lights are off when they leave a room or joining the Environmental Task force on one of the cleanups that have already resulted in 960 pounds of trash being picked up this semester.

Changes are made every year to provide students with opportunities to assist with sustainable practices, including initiatives like compostable containers in the Commons or the new reusable containers in the dining hall.

Students have to utilize those opportunities to work within the constraints of the environment.

Travis Scott kicked off his much anticipated Astroworld tour in Baltimore’s very own Royal Farms Arena this past week. Fresh from the release of his platinum record, Astroworld, Scott’s first stop was loaded with adoring fans, filling up the stadium and proving him as one of the biggest names in hip-hop.

The tour did not solely include Scott. He also brought along popular artists such as Sheck Wes, Trippie Redd and Gunna. Being relatively established artists themselves, their opening performances set the tone for Scott’s headlining act perfectly. With most concerts, opening acts often lack crowd involvement and are not the main reason fans attend the show.

However, the opening lineup managed to get the crowd dancing and singing along as though they were headliners. Possibly because of the similar fan bases the artists share, the entire audience blissfully enjoyed every opener, thus creating extreme anticipation in the fans by the time it was Scott’s turn to grace the stage.

The crowd murmured in the dim arena patiently waiting for their idol to emerge. Suddenly, the back wall of the arena lit up and began to play a video of different visuals, all fitting Scott’s aesthetic and Astroworld theme. Below, Scott appeared and when the beat of his hit song “Stargazing” dropped, the crowd erupted in happiness.

The echo of Scott’s famous auto tune vibrated through the building, while smoke and fireworks went off around the eccentric artist. The atmosphere was electric from the moment Scott opened his mouth and fans could not get enough of it.

A nice touch that Scott added was that he sang songs from all of his projects, including his first mixtapes. It was a nice way to pay homage to his loyal fans that have watched him blossom into the superstar that he is today. Despite playing songs from years back, the entire crowd jumped and sang as if they had rehearsed them. Mosh pits broke out like war zones in the standing area below the stage, resulting in thousands of fans bouncing and pushing with a passion that could only be matched by Scott himself.

Without question, this tour will solidify Scott’s reputation of being one of the best live performers in music. His ability to even maintain his energy given all of the running and jumping he does on stage is impressive, not to mention the attention to detail that was put into the show.

Not only was there the video screen that displayed new visuals throughout the show, but he also had a gigantic astronaut appear, canvases that stretched to the length of the floor with colorful phrases projected onto them and most notably, an entire roller coaster that he rode over the crowd while still performing. The creativity, energy, and music all combined perfectly to create one of, if not the most entertaining concert Baltimore has hosted in recent years.

For those interested in experiencing a Travis Scott show themselves, he returns to the Mid-Atlantic region Nov. 29 at the Verizon Center in Washington, D.C. For any concert lover or rap enthusiast, this is an opportunity to witness an event like no other.

PAKSA Members,

Tonight's event, DESI DHAMAAL is cancelled due to inclement weather. We will send out another email regarding the postponed date once we have more information.  For everyone who purchased a ticket, no worries; you will be contacted for refund. Thank you all for your patience and support. 

PAKSA BOARD