Kourtney Rutkowski
B.S., Mechanical Engineering
Minor: Psychology
Cum Laude
Hometown: Bel Air, Maryland
Plans: M.S., mechanical engineering, UMBC

UMBC has also helped to grow my leadership skills, my confidence, and has opened my mind in so many ways.

Kourtney Rutkowski enjoys being the first, particularly when it comes to unique learning experiences. As an engineer with an interest in cross-cultural exchange, she was UMBC’s first student to participate in a semester-long study abroad at the University of Porto in Portugal, and one of the two first students to participate in a winter study abroad at the University of Kassel in Germany, after UMBC initiated research and education partnerships with both institutions.

Home at UMBC, Rutkowski has participated in the Grand Challenge Scholars Program and Center for Women in Technology (CWIT) Scholars Program. She is a member of the Honors College and Tau Beta Pi, the honors society for engineering. She has held leadership positions on the CWIT student council, in Tau Beta Pi, and as a UMBC Eco-Ambassador, and she currently serves as the inaugural student president for the Grand Challenge Scholars Program Student Organization. Additionally, she has worked as a teaching fellow for multiple courses, most recently as a lead teaching fellow for statics.

Rutkowski shares that mentors across campus have provided her with valuable guidance related to research, career options, and pursuing opportunities abroad. She worked most closely with Anne Spence, former professor of practice at UMBC; Jamie Gurganus, associate director for engineering education initiatives; Marc Zupan, associate professor of mechanical engineering; and Neil Rothman, professor of practice in mechanical engineering.

As a student in the integrated B.S./M.S. mechanical engineering program, Rutkowski will remain at UMBC after graduation to complete her graduate degree, before moving on to opportunities in industry and, perhaps, a Ph.D. and mechanical engineering teaching career of her own.

Portrait by Marlayna Demond ’11 for UMBC.

They’re going to find out I’m a fake

“It’s all just dumb luck” “Why would they choose me for the job?” “I don’t deserve this; I didn’t earn this. This has to be a mistake!” “God, if they only knew … “ These are some of the things that have gone through our minds after getting a job, achieving a goal, being praised for a job well done, or even just being complimented on a nice outfit.  No matter how talented we are, no matter how hard we worked to get there, there’s a part of us that feel undeserving. What’s more, it’s not just an evil voice that whisper these ugly things in our heads, but a feeling. A sick feeling in the pit of our gut that just won’t go away, despite our achievements. No, it’s not just you. I’ve been there, too. Yes, there is a term for it: imposter syndrome.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

According to Scientific American imposter syndrome is “a pervasive feeling of self-doubt, insecurity, or fraudulence despite often overwhelming evidence to the contrary.” In other words, you feel like you’re a phony, you’re constantly doubting and second-guessing yourself, and think everything you do is a sham. You are unable to accept your accomplishment, let alone enjoy it.

The term, imposter phenomenon, was first used by clinical psychologists Dr. Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes in 1978 to describe the feeling often felt by high-functioning women who felt their accomplishments were more from luck than their own hard work and ability. These women felt as if they were fakes, that they would be revealed as frauds.

When first “discovered,” health professionals thought this syndrome affected predominantly women, but now, after much research, they have found it affects men and women equally. It affects people of all genders who are high functioning and high achieving. Now, having said that,  women also deal with pronounced sexism plus internalized sexism which makes this an important topic for us to dig into here on the Women’s Center blog.

Why are women more susceptible to imposter syndrome than men? Perhaps it’s the conditioning of countless generations of women to be “modest,” to be “humble,” to be the caretakers and caregivers and to melt into the background while allowing the men to stand in front, to take charge, to shine. Perhaps it’s the millenia or more of telling our daughters and sisters and nieces that boys are “smarter than girls,” that we are “less than” our male counter parts, that we weren’t meant to be their equals. In Kate Bahn’s piece Faking It: Women, Academia, and Imposter Syndrome she writes: “a recent survey of undergraduates at Boston College, which showed that female students finished college with lower self-esteem than they started with. Male students, on the other hand, graduated with greater self-confidence (albeit lower GPAs) than their female peers.” No matter how much education we acquire, no matter how much more qualified we become, the feeling of inadequacy never leaves, instead, it just gets stronger.

Famous people who struggle with imposter syndrome

Here is a quote by Maya Angelou from the website theHUSTLE. Would you think she struggled with imposter syndrome?

“I have written eleven books, but each time I think, uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.”

MAYA ANGELOU

Michelle Pfeiffer (multiple nominee for Academy Awards and Golden Globe awards, successful actor, producer), Chris Martin (lead singer of the popular band Cold Play, song writer, producer), Sheryl Sandburg (COO of Facebook, former vice president of global online sales and operations at Google, named one of 2012 Time 100 most influential people, wife, mother) … the list goes on. What’s the one thing they all have in common? They all feel they’ve been putting on an act, that they are frauds, none of their accolades are earned.

How do you handle imposter syndrome?

There’s power in naming so now that you know about imposter syndrome, how can you fix it? Well, there aren’t any magic pills that will make imposter syndrome go away. No genie in a bottle and a wish or o magic wand to wave over yourself. In other words there are no easy fixes that will make you feel gloriously confident and deserving of it all. There are, however, ways of coping and overcoming the relentless, self-damaging, at times, debilitating taunts.

There are the usual go-to tips: meditation, deep breathing exercises, yoga, healthy eating and lifestyle, and of course, that elusive ingredient, sleep. Yes, in a perfect world this would solve the problem, but for most of us stress and lack of sleep is the norm, so here are some other tips on how to manage your imposter syndrome. 

1.  Don’t sell yourself short. The website Personal Excellence states: “Maybe you feel like a fraud because you don’t think you have anything good to offer … know that whatever place you are at in life now, you are here because you are ready for it.” Know that your being who you are is what’s going to give this job the uniqueness that only you can bring to the position. You are the only apple in a sea of oranges.  Or the only orange in the sea of apples.  Or the kiwi … or the grapes …  you get the picture.
2. “Stop comparing yourself to that person”. As I’ve stated in #1 you are unique. Your accomplishments are unique. Thinking your way is not as good as someone else’s is not only self-sabotaging, it’s futile. You are different people, therefore, your way of doing things are different. You are not them; they are not you. End of story.
3. Allow yourself to make mistakes. We don’t learn from our successes, we learn from our mistakes. Being wrong, making mistakes, is not a waste of time, merely lessons learned. Get upset, get angry, then get back up and use those lessons. Only you can turn the “wrongs” into valuable “rights”.

Self-doubt, anxiety, panic, fear, stress …    

 Everyone has moments of self-doubt and anxiety. We are juggling school, work, for some, family, and many more issues daily. The world is full of things that bring on stress and anxiety, every minute, every hour, every day. The Women’s Center at UMBC is one of the places you can come and share with other women who are struggling with similar issues, experiences, and solutions and options with each other. If you feel you need to speak to someone on a one-on-one basis the professional staff members along with our student staff members, and those who utilize the Center regularly. Know that there are people who understand when you say “I don’t deserve this” or “It was a mistake” or “I’m a fake.” We are journeying, experiencing, and dealing with this very common issue. Please, don’t be afraid to share what you’re going through, even if it’s just with a pen on a sheet of paper. And if it’s keeping you from functioning in your daily life, please, seek counseling. We at the Women’s Center will help connect you with the resources you may need. Know that you are not alone in struggling with imposter syndrome. We are here to listen, and we will help any way we can.

Even More Resources:

From AAUW’s Being a Woman in STEM Isn’t Easy

Check out Feminist Fight Club from the Women’s Center library

From Everyday Feminism – a way to tackle imposter syndrome with an intersectional lens

Mohammad Arif Ul Alam
Ph.D., Information Systems
Magna Cum Laude
Hometown: Quincy, Massachusetts
Plans: Research Staff Member, IBM Research

After I successfully defended my Ph.D. dissertation, I had the chance to stand before all of my mentors who made my Ph.D. possible through guidance, help, and criticism. That was probably the happiest moment of my life.

When Mohammad Arif Ul Alam joined the information systems department as a Ph.D. student in 2014, he  quickly began to make waves in his field. “Arif showed his prompt understanding of research problems and quick delivery of solutions from the very beginning of his Ph.D studies,” said Aryya Gangopadhyay, chair of information systems department.

Within just four months of starting the program, Alam published a paper based on work done in a class project. This was just the beginning for Alam’s academic career as he would go on to publish 17 scholarly articles and be a cited source for over 150 more. He also received three grants from the National Science Foundation to attend conferences and build his professional portfolio.

During his Ph.D. program, Alam interned at the Intel Corporation in Folsom, California, and IBM’s T.J. Watson Research Center in Cambridge, Massachusetts. While at Intel, he was recognized as a contributor at the CES 2017 conference, hosted by the Consumer Technology Association, as the CEO of Intel presented a demo of his work.

Following these back-to-back six-month internships, Alam returned to UMBC to defend his Ph.D. dissertation, setting a departmental record by completing the program in only three years and ten months.

After graduating in December 2017, Alam accepted a research staff member position at IBM in Massachusetts. He is currently working on sensor systems that will monitor health metrics in older adults and he plans to continue inventing prototypes that will help other populations in need of accessible health technologies.

Photos courtesy of Mohammad Arif Ul Alam.

Eudorah Vital
B.S., Biochemistry and Molecular Biology
Summa Cum Laude
Hometown: Silver Spring, Maryland
Plans: M.D./Ph.D., Emory University School of Medicine

"UMBC prepares its students to be productive members of society who strive to understand others and bring people together. I came to UMBC thinking I knew what I wanted to do, and I am leaving with a refined version of my goals, which reflect the values of inclusivity, support, and grit."

Valedictorian Eudorah Vital is remarkable not just in her tremendous academic success and dedication to high-level scholarship, but also in her drive to support fellow students and the broader Baltimore community.

A Meyerhoff Scholar and Howard Hughes Medical Institute Scholar since her freshman year, Vital dived into research as soon as she arrived at UMBC. She quickly advanced to independent research in Rachel Brewster’s developmental biology lab, learning to troubleshoot challenges on her own. Soon, she was mentoring undergraduates newer to the lab. As a result of her dedication to her work, Vital has co-authored two papers in top-tier academic journals, and a third is on its way.

Vital, who is also a MARC U*STAR Scholar, goes above and beyond to support others. She serves as a peer supplemental instructor for organic chemistry courses and works as a tutor in the Chemistry Tutorial Center, often creating her own worksheets to help struggling students. As a member of Phi Delta Epsilon, an international co-ed medical fraternity, Vital has volunteered often at Baltimore City food kitchens and health fairs.

It is her joint commitment to both research and supporting people on a more personal level that led Vital to choose an M.D./Ph.D. graduate program. Her goal to pursue clinically relevant research in a diverse and inclusive environment, like the one she has cherished at UMBC, helped her select Emory University’s neurobiology program among the numerous offers she received.

Portrait by Marlayna Demond ‘11 for UMBC.

Article originally appeared on the UMBC News website.

Adrian Davey
B.S., Chemical Engineering
Magna Cum Laude
Hometown: Frederick, Maryland
Plans: Ph.D, University of California, Berkeley

This institution cultivated my scientific passion and inspired me to poise myself as a rising engineer committed to championing diversity in STEM and adding research-oriented novelty to chemical engineering.

As a Meyerhoff Scholar at UMBC, Adrian Davey has been committed to training as a researcher, and incorporating service into his studies, from day one. He pursued research at the University of Texas at Austin as a Howard Hughes Medical Institute Exceptional Research Opportunities Scholar, and at UC Berkeley as an Amgen Scholar, in addition to his research in the lab of Chris Hennigan, assistant professor of chemical, biochemical, and environmental engineering, at UMBC.

Recognizing his academic and research strengths, Davey was invited to be a part of the Phi Kappa Phi Honor Society, UMBC’s all-discipline honor society, and was named a scholar of the American Chemical Society. He also earned third place in the Technical Research Exhibition at the National Society of Black Engineers (NSBE) Fall Regional Conference in 2017 and is a member of Tau Beta Pi, UMBC’s engineering honors society.

Outside of the lab, Davey has pursued leadership opportunities and mentored high school students through student organizations both on campus and in the local community. He served as president of the UMBC chapter of the NSBE and worked with students at Mount Hebron High School through an SAT preparation and mentorship program.

After graduation, Davey will begin a Ph.D. program in chemical engineering as a Chancellor’s Fellow at UC Berkeley. He will continue to research how to improve oxygen-reduction reactions for more efficient and clean hydrogen peroxide formation. A possible application of this work could support more efficient water decontamination.

Portrait by Marlayna Demond ’11 for UMBC.