This guest post was written by a UMBC community member who has asked to remain anonymous to allow for privacy while sharing this important experience. 

***Content Note: This post contains detailed descriptions of physical threats and sexual violence, and mentions of suicidal ideation. Please practice self-care while reading.*** 

Dear Survivor,

I would like to tell you my story of survival. I think that maybe, just maybe, it could provide you with something that will be helpful. I hope that it will. As a survivor myself, I know that lots of people have reacted to me in ways that minimized my experience, or, in contrast, made my experience into the thing that defined me. Both felt like shit. Both made me feel trapped.

I don’t want to do that to you. Instead, I want to show you a path to a future in which your survival matters, but the specific things you have survived are just a distant footnote in your memory.

Dear Survivor letters created at UMBC’s Take Back the Night offer messages of solidarity.

I want to tell you some details about my story. It happened 25 years ago.

I want to share these details because they provide context, and because I want you to be able to judge for yourself whether my experience has anything to offer that will help you cope with the experience that is uniquely yours. Also, I want you to see that my experience was not trivial. It was not small. And yet, looking back across my life, it seems small now.

And so, here it is. My story. It has several parts, as most do.

Thirty-one years ago, when I was in high school, I dated a boy that was kind and pretty and smart. I would later come out as queer, and I would come to understand that I was just going through the motions with him, trying to experience what it might mean to be “normal.” But in the meantime, he provided me with good early dating experiences, for the most part. One day, though, one of his best friends and I were going to meet up with him at a party that we couldn’t get to earlier. I was driving; his friend was navigating. He led me to a dead-end road and asked me to stop the car. I did. He grabbed me by the neck, and forced me to give him a blow job. I choked. I gagged. He laughed and pushed harder. Then, he had me drive him to the party. I did.

I didn’t tell my boyfriend what happened. In my mind, I rationalized that it wasn’t that big of a deal. I didn’t want to come between my boyfriend and his best friend – I thought that would be a mean thing to do. I didn’t understand then that it wasn’t me that had caused the problem.

Then, 28 years ago, when I was in college, I found an incredible feminist community of women who were strong, and beautiful, and loving. But the world was a homophobic and violent place, and many women in that group had been assaulted, and had experienced hate crimes. One community member had been murdered for being a lesbian just before I started school there. Another had been raped by a family member to “cure” her. I learned feminism from these women. I learned that my body was mine to control, that I had power, that there was strength in community. We also frequently told each other that self-defense, and learning to fight was a key to surviving in this world.

** Many people will tell you this: that learning how to fight will protect you. That if you learn to fight, they won’t be able to make you their victim. The underside to that message is that if you were able to fight better in the first place, this wouldn’t have happened to you. **

** That isn’t true. **

** If the person who attacked you wasn’t violent, wasn’t entitled, didn’t believe that their needs/desires/power was more important than yours, this wouldn’t have happened to you. ** If we didn’t live in a rape culture where women’s voices, needs, and autonomy are routinely dismissed, this wouldn’t have happened to you. ** This is not your fault, no matter what angle you take it from. **

** What will end rape and sexual assault is not a change in your behavior. **

After leaving college, and while working in my first professional job, I decided to study martial arts. I was determined that no one would ever touch me again without my permission, and I wanted to be able to defend my friends and those I loved. I signed up, sure that this was the answer.

I studied martial arts for two years. I was not very good at fighting, but I excelled at some parts of the art, and I loved my teammates, my strength, my confidence, and the joy I felt in achieving greater mastery of each technique. I felt so proud that, after two years, my instructor pulled me aside, and said that he thought I was close to a breakthrough in fighting technique. He suggested that I take private lessons for a while, so he could help me address the weakest link in my skills. I enthusiastically signed on! I had dreams of running self-defense classes in the future, of opening my own martial arts school to empower women and make my own contribution to ending rape culture.

My instructor said he had been watching, and had observed that specific types of moves made me freeze up. He suggested that we start with those things, and then move on to tournament fighting techniques.

To begin, I froze and felt completely terrified when there was any threat to my neck. So, he started by just touching my neck, and teaching me escape moves. Over a period of months, his “attacks” to my neck got stronger and stronger, to build my confidence that I could escape, no matter the angle, the power or size of the person, and my sense of panic. He practiced pinning me to the ground, and taught me ways to escape and disable my attacker for long enough to get away and get help. For six months, he taught me that even with someone as infinitely muscular as my martial arts instructor, who fought for a living and exercised 18 hours a day, I had power and I could get myself safe. I was so proud of myself, and grateful to my teacher.

Then, he raped me.

It was 25 years ago, and the day seemed pretty normal. We had our lesson, and then went out to lunch. Going out to lunch was a little weird – we hadn’t done that before. But it wasn’t very weird. Then, he was going to drive me home, but also had a meeting after that, and he just needed a few things. So, we stopped by his place. I hadn’t been to his place before, and it felt a little bit weird, but not very weird. We were in his apartment, and he pinned me to the ground. It was weird for him to do that outside of our training environment, but not very weird. He had talked a lot about me needing to practice in lots of contexts so that I could have an automatic response of self-protection, no matter where I was. I thought it was a test.

He grabbed me by the neck. Hard. I couldn’t breathe. He had never grabbed my neck that hard before. I tried all of the moves he had taught me. None of them worked. Then he laughed at me. He said, “You’ll be able to escape from anyone but me. You can’t ever learn enough martial arts to stop me. This is part of your training now. I will fuck you, and you will learn how to do it right. I will do it whenever I want, and you will learn.”

He also told me that he knew where I lived. And that if I told anyone about the new parts of our training that he would kill me in my sleep.

I begged him to stop, and tried different moves, thinking that maybe, just maybe, this was still a part of my training and was just a test. Could I defend myself when I was afraid? But it wasn’t a test. It was just what he was doing.

I survived that. He took me home. And I went to martial arts class the next day because I didn’t want him to think I was upset and going to tell someone. When he said he would kill me in my sleep, I knew that it would take very little effort on his part.

But, I also went to therapy. And, working with a compassionate, gentle therapist, I found a way to stop going to class without being terrified that this assertion was life threatening.

I was, in most ways, nonfunctional for a long time. I had all the symptoms of PTSD. I was suicidal. I was a wreck. I had triggers, where I would be functioning fine, and then the smallest smell, or facial expression, or sound, would have me back in that moment. I went to individual therapy two days a week, and group therapy once a week, for two years. I talked to my friends. I made new friends. And yet, this experience still defined the majority my existence.

Looking back objectively, now, it was awful. It was genuinely life threatening. It was a horrific abuse of trust and safety. It was not a trivial experience that just required a little extra TLC to heal. (To be clear: No survivor’s experience of sexual violence is trivial—regardless of the details—and there’s no set timeline for a survivor’s healing process.)

And yet, now, 25 years later, most of the time I forget that it happened. I went to Take Back the Night last year for the first time in a long time, because I was specifically asked to go to support my community. And I had a realization as I listened to the stories of survivors: I’ve been jogging, by myself, on a path that goes past my rapist’s house for the past several years without even realizing it. I hadn’t thought about him in more than 10 years, at least not consciously. It made me think about how far I had come.

When I think back on my life, about what made me who I am, and what the pivotal moments are, that experience does not rate in the top 10 most important experiences.

Seriously.

I have had losses and successes, joys and pains, and life experiences that shaped me so much more than that moment.

If you had told me that back then, I would have thought you were a heartless asshole. My rapist obviously ruined my life, and to suggest otherwise was to trivialize the violence of my experience.

But he really was not that important in the grand scheme of things. He is no longer powerful.

It took a lot of work and support and therapy and friendship and love to get me to this place. I hope you can hear that. The impact didn’t vanish over night. But once I had that help, once I did all that therapy, once I understood where the blame lived and where it did not, the rest of life happened. My life has had all kinds of twists and turns that were unexpected—that was just one of them.

That was my story. Your story is different. But you survived. And if you can hold on, let others help you, and, when you’re ready, start to live your life again, you may find that this experience didn’t ruin your life, after all.

With love and support and solidarity.

• For more information and resources related to sexual assault and gender-based violence, visit our website or contact the Women’s Center at 410.455.2714.
• UMBC’s Take Back the Night survivor speak out and march against sexual violence will be held on Thursday, April 13th at 6:30pm on Main Street in The Commons.
• The Clothesline Project is available for any survivors who would like to give voice to their experience by decorating a shirt that will be displayed during Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

TSN Leader Duties

·       Serve as a role model to off-campus and on-campus transfer students.

·       Develop peer-mentoring relationships with assigned students before, during, and after their transition.

·       Organize programming and services as part of your team and collateral project.

·       Assist in development of a sense of community among transfer students.

·       Plan and implement the Transfer Student Network Workshop Series every semester.

·       Assist with Office of Off-Campus Student Services events as needed, including, but not limited to Commuter Week and Welcome Week.

·       Attend two Transfer Day Fairs at partnering community colleges throughout the semester.

Dirk Nowitzki, perhaps the best and most influential international player of all-time, was only nine months old the last time the Washington Wizards won their division. Baby Dirk was probably taking his first steps and likely using his imbalance to perfect his one-legged fade aways when Elvin Hayes led the Bullets to a division title and an NBA Finals appearance. In case you were wondering, that is 38 years, six presidencies and eight Star Wars movies ago.

But next season when the Wizards hang their banner from the rafters of the Verizon Center, the title of “Southeast Division Champions” will mean as much as Kevin Hart’s three and a half All-Star Celebrity Game MVP awards: nothing. The only thing that matters in the NBA is conference seeding, and the Wizards are currently fully in control of the fourth-spot in the East.

While at this point the Wiz’ seeding is invulnerable, the same cannot be said for their potential playoff opponents. Mathematically speaking, John Wall and company could go on to face either the Atlanta Hawks, the Milwaukee Bucks or the Indiana Pacers. Paul George and the Pacers are a huge long shot; however, the Hawks and Bucks have been battling for the fifth-seed for weeks.

Dennis Schroder and the Hawks had been behind the Bucks for quite some time but are now the Wizards’ most likely opponent in the first round. They took sole position of the spot after winning three of their last four games, while Milwaukee was only able to muster one victory during the same span.

The Hawks impressively defeated the Boston Celtics last Thursday and beat the Cleveland Cavaliers twice; most recently overcoming a 26-point deficit to take down the Cavs in overtime. These consecutive victories against the top two teams in the conference surely has Atlanta’s coach Mike Budenholzer feeling confident about his team’s postseason chances.

However, Scott Brooks and the Wizards will have plenty to say about that as anything short of a Finals appearance will be a disappointment for his young and hungry roster. This squad may have the greatest chances of advancing to the Finals in recent memory as the star-studded back court has finally seemed to find some support.

The last time the Wizards made the layoffs in 2014-2015, they swept the Toronto Raptors in the first round, much to the dismay of Kyle Lowry, DeMar DeRozan and of course, Drake. But D.C could not make it passed the Hawks who were led, in part, by Jeff Teague and Al Horford who no longer sport the red, white and black.

The lack of these stars for the Hawks and the emergence of several key players for Washington should give Wizards fans plenty to hope for when the postseason kicks off on April 15. Atlanta will obviously have to focus their defense on Wall and Bradley Beal as both guards are averaging 23 points per game to go along with their greater than 45 percent from the field. Though this has been Beal’s greatest statistical season since he was drafted these stars filling up the stat sheet has nearly become commonplace. Center Marcin Gortat has also been a consistent scorer for years and is nabbing 10.4 rebounds per game to complete his double-double on the season.

Without diminishing their obvious importance, Wall, Beal and Gortat will not determine how far the Wiz go in the playoffs this year. The names that will matter come April 15 are Markieff Morris, Otto Porter Jr., Kelly Oubre Jr. and Bojan Bogdanovic.

Nearly identical to last season Morris has averaged 13.9 points and 6.5 rebounds per game. 21-year old Oubre Jr. has seen a diminished role since the Wizards’ roster moves at the All-Star break but the youngster showed promise in the first half of the season averaging 20.7 points per game to go with his ability to guard multiple positions. Bogdanovic was one of those All-Star break acquisitions and the shooting guard and scores 15 points off the bench.

Finally, and most importantly Otto Porter Jr., who looked like a bust in his rookie season would likely be a contender for Most Improved Player were it not for the shadow his backcourt provides. In his rookie season, Porter Jr. averaged a pitiful 2.1 points per game and shot 19 percent from beyond the arc. Just a few years later the small forward has raised his scoring to 13.5 and his shooting from three has been off the charts at 43 percent. Good for fourth in the association.

With a cast finally full of worthy supporting actors, A-listers John Wall and Bradley Beal have been able to beat the Hawks in three of their four matchups this season and look poised to do the same in the first round of the postseason.

The post Wizards’ role players key to postseason run appeared first on The Retriever.

It is April, which can only mean three things: warm weather, long days, and baseball season has finally arrived. The Baltimore Orioles open their regular season on Monday, coming off of a winning season and an early postseason exit. The Birds will be hoping for a better showing this year.

For the O’s, they hope to wash away the bad taste of last years loss to the Toronto Blue Jays in the Wild Card game. Baltimore fell to their division rivals in extra innings after manager Buck Showalter elected to not bring in All-Star closer Zach Britton while the game was tied.

Orioles fans should expect the same highs and lows that 2016 brought, except without the flair of longtime catcher Matt Wieters, who represents the only major departure from a team that led the Majors in home runs last year.

Fans however can expect third baseman Manny Machado continue his meteoric rise to superstardom in 2016, batting .294/.343./.533 and finishing third among third basemen in wins above replacement behind former league MVP’s Josh Donaldson and Kris Bryant. He was also a wizard with the glove, finishing fourth among MLB third basemen in Ultimate Zone Rating. Barring injury, Machado should be in the American League MVP conversation again this year.

Machado should see plenty of pitches this year, as there is plenty of home run power in this lineup. Joining him is last season’s home run king Mark Trumbo. The O’s designated hitter led the MLB with 47 home runs and finished second on the team in on base plus slugging (120 to Machado’s 128).

Meanwhile, Chris Davis, after signing the richest contract in franchise history prior to last season, lived up to that lofty pact. The 30-year-old slugger smashed 38 long balls, good for second on the team. Adam Jones and second baseman Jonathan Schoop also added twenty home run seasons.

Baltimore also brought back the key cogs in a bullpen that had the lowest ERA in the AL last year, which should provide stability entering 2017. Britton led the AL with 47 saves and was virtually unhittable for the entire year (0.54 ERA). It is more than just Britton though. Converted shortstop Mychal Givens (3.13 ERA), submariner Darren O’Day (3.77 ERA), and Brad Brach (2.05 ERA) all headline a tremendous relief corps and help cover for a spotty starting rotation.

That said, the O’s still harbor many of the same shortcomings that cost them the Wild Card game. Their hitters still struggle working the count and drawing walks (20th in walks and on base percentage). Their starting rotation (23rd in MLB in starters ERA, 19th in starters innings in 2016) was a question mark before Chris Tillman went down with a shoulder injury. With Tillman out, Baltimore must depend on Kevin Gausman, Dylan Bundy, and (gulp) Ubaldo Jimenez to help pick up the slack

Gausman logged his highest inning totals last season (179 2/3) and led all O’s starters in ERA and strikeout rate. Bundy, a former top prospect, hopes to find more consistency after showing flashes of brilliance last season. O’s fans just have to hope that Jimenez puts up average numbers after a ghastly 2016 that ended with the demoted starter tossing the deciding dinger in the Wild Card game.

Getting back to the playoffs will not be easy for the Orioles. The AL East might be one of the toughest divisions in baseball. That said, the Birds have enough firepower on offense and in the bullpen to make another run at the World Series.

The post Orioles look to power their way back to the playoffs appeared first on The Retriever.

Everyman Theatre is pleased to announce Open Call Auditions for its 2017/18 Season.

LOCATION:

Everyman Theatre (315 West Fayette Street, Baltimore, MD)

PREPARATION:

Actors will be allotted three minutes to present one monologue or two contrasting monologues (NO SINGING, please). Each actor must bring one 8”x10” head short with a resume attached.

EQUITY AUDITIONS:

By Appointment Only: Thursday, April 20 (12:00-4:00pm) and Friday, April 21 (9:00am-12:30pm and 1:30-5:00pm)