When people think about sports at UMBC, the first thoughts that come to mind are of the men’s soccer team’s legendary final four appearance, those two times men’s basketball was not the butt of everyone’s jokes and were actually pretty aight and the prime example of athletic prowess the chess team shows off.

These three teams are well known for representing the school with pride in the athletic thunder dome, however, The Retriever has recently learned from an inside source at UMBC Athletics that the university, does in fact, have more than just these three teams, to the shock of many.

“Honestly, this was a pretty groundbreaking moment for the university,” said Conor Kennedy, the incompetent sports editor for The Retriever who can be found anywhere but athletics events. “No one in the know ever thought this day would come. I mean we have only been covering basketball and soccer for the last 50 years. Who would have thought there were other teams?”

Alas, as it turns out, other programs have existed for 50 years as well like Retriever baseball, a constant force to be reckoned with in the America East Conference. Both men’s and women’s swimming and diving are consistent championship winners, men’s lacrosse was an NCAA tournament quarterfinalist, and women’s soccer was just recently the America East champions in 2013.

“I always knew we had a soccer team that is pretty good and a basketball team that is not,” said Jordan Michael, a senior something engineering major. “Hearing that we have more teams than just them though, well, I wouldn’t really call it surprising mainly because I simply don’t care.”

Through the varsity program alone, UMBC boasts a whole 17 teams according to Wikipedia, which we all know is never wrong (editor’s note: it’s actually 15 teams, Wikipedia lied). This is only a few shy of the other University of Maryland school, the College Park Terps, who possess 20 teams. That is barely more than UMBC and they are a real school with a football team and everything (which totally justifies their superiority complex over us).

And let’s be real, some of their athletics programs don’t really count. I mean seriously Terps, golf? Gymnastics? Baseba–oh wait, we have a baseball team at UMBC, don’t we? Uh, crap, uh…Oh field hockey! If field hockey was really a sport College Park, then why would UMBC eliminate that varsity program?

There is even athletics outside of the varsity programs who compete just like the chess team, like men’s wrestling, men’s ice hockey and those dudes who use to play football outside of The Commons.

“For years students and fans have been crying for more sports teams, I mean, they were really just crying for a football team, but it’s exciting to see how they will react to the school’s reveal of these other athletic teams,” said Kennedy.

According to a poll conducted by The Retriever, two percent of the student body is excited by this announcement, three percent already knew this information and 95 percent know nothing about sports and still have no plans to attend any games for any teams. Outside of the campus, polls indicated that 99 percent of the poll-takers either did not know UMBC existed, or mistook the school for a separate campus of College Park.

The post UMBC announces it has more teams than just soccer, basketball and chess appeared first on The Retriever.

Last year, UMBC announced the Pell Vise grant that would award an artist $10,000 to create a unique piece of art that represents the university’s community. It has finally arrived.

The sculpture, which measures approximately three and a half inches tall and is literally a can of baked beans, has been installed outside of the uphill smoking section as an homage to those students who are too lazy to walk downhill.

This immaculate work has stunned students thus far.

“It’s just so nice to see that something has finally been done to accommodate the smokers. Before, they only had the crushed cigarette butts to look at and though that could be seen as a contemporary meta-type of art, nothing compares to this sculpture,” said Rocket League major and non-smoker Erin Gentleton.

“Honestly, I’m impressed. I didn’t think that UMBC could commission this caliber of art. Like, wow dude,” said iPhone charger repair major and American Spirit smoker Brandon Jarnes.

Artist Eugene Davis spent two years creating this work, waiting for someone to “snatch it up, bro.” Davis said that this is his finest work to date and that he put countless hours into the planning and development of the sculpture. Though, he admits that the actual creation of the piece wasn’t too difficult, as it only entailed going to the corner grocery mart and purchasing their off brand baked beans.

He stresses that this doesn’t tarnish the artistic merit of the work, however. “Even though I didn’t actually create anything, I have given the UMBC community a beautiful gift. Beans are the future!” he said.

The piece, which has already enchanted hundreds of students, has also had some negative feedback from the faculty. Slacklining Professor Warren McDonough thinks the sculpture is silly. “Really, I don’t understand the appeal around it. I hear all of these people praising this custom-made piece for it’s originality, but it’s literally just a can of baked beans. Do people realize this?” said McDonough.

However, McDonough’s colleague and hoola-hooping professor Jennifer Teague disagreed. “I think there’s something really beautiful about the meaning behind a store brand can of baked beans. It’s humble, it’s nostalgic. Frankly, I think every work of art in the world should be modified to include baked beans. They’re the stuff of life,” said Teague.

The piece has also fostered a good amount of student involvement. Multiple clubs have been created surrounding the sculpture. There are the No Bean Babies who actively oppose the work’s placement, as they believe that smokers shouldn’t be glorified or rewarded. The most notable club is a gambling club where members all place bets on when the can of beans will be eaten and who will do the eating.
It doesn’t matter whether the piece was a waste of money or a benefit to the community, it has certainly sparked a dialogue and that’s the important thing to remember here.

The post Artist Eugene Davis creates custom sculpture for UMBC appeared first on The Retriever.

At UMBC, an ongoing deadly outbreak of Retriever Fever has led to mass panic within the student body and faculty. Researchers have noted that the strain of Retriever Fever this year may be notably more powerful due to celebration of the school’s 50th anniversary, and has an accelerated spread due to the resurgence of the men’s basketball team, earning a winning record for the first time since its 2008 season.

The current outbreak has led to the hospitalization of 11 UMBC students. Three of the students afflicted with the infection have passed away in the past month. As stated, the outbreak has been correlated to the success of the men’s basketball team and their surprisingly good record this season. The virus has noticeably been spreading slowly though since their early elimination from the America East Conference Tournament.

“It is paramount for student health that during the season, students keep from physical contact during the semester,” noted University Health Services facilitator Maher Bae-Saba. “While we should not have to worry due to the shyness of most Retriever students, we have to stress the importance of this with the infection present.’

In these difficult times for UMBC, it is important to reflect on the students lost to this outbreak of Retriever Fever. Stanni Udamami was a freshman business management major. He was a young hopeful with the men’s ultimate Frisbee team and it is thought he contracted Retriever Fever after going to the men’s basketball overtime win against the University of Massachusetts-Lowell, earlier in the season.

The student body also lost Student Events Board sophomore Deffrey Jahmer to this outbreak. Jahmer was a computer science major and beloved dearly by all his friends and family, except Cousin Lenny. It is assumed that Jahmer contracted the Retriever Fever by drinking from an infected water fountain in the Commons student org space right before spring break.

The family of the last student to perish to Retriever Fever, or as its colloquially known “grit’s spit”, asked his identity be remained anonymous following his passing. However, for confidentiality reasons it will be said that he contracted grit’s spit after watching a particularly good episode of “Yuri on Ice” during the Spring semester.

Lastly, there was senior Jane Doe who the UMBC community lost from the virus. Doe was a useless non-STEM major, who many saw as a waste of space. Whose funeral was attended by her only friend, an imaginary woman named Harold. When asked about her feelings on Doe’s passing, Harold responded “idc”.

Retriever Fever, though not a common illness, is an incredibly potent one and it is important to recognize the symptoms when they are present. The most common symptoms of Retriever Fever are an affinity for playing video games quietly indoors, an unnatural hatred of deceptively small cars in parking spots that make it appear no car is there when there is one, using Japanese phrases the host only learned through anime, and actually caring about the school’s athletic’s teams

UHS officials would like to remind UMBC students that it is important, while a health outbreak is going on, to respect other student’s space, to remain hygienic and for the love of all that is good and holy please stop standing so close to the person in front of you in line in the Commons. The issue is not even that it is so unhealthy, it is just kind of weird.

The post Deadly outbreak begins spreading at UMBC campus appeared first on The Retriever.

The surprising success of the UMBC men’s basketball team has caught the eye of the NCAA once again. The organization is looking into possible violations for this years team a year after vacating wins from the 2007-08 team. Some sources say the punishment may be worse than the last, with talk of possible scholarship restrictions or even future postseason bans.

“After handing down the punishment last season, we thought this school learned its lesson bringing in players that actually knew what they are doing,” said NCAA president Mack Amert at a press conference. “Judging by this season’s success, it appears that they haven’t.”

Amert and his staff began investigating the possible violations in early March after an intern, unpaid of course, told him about the Retrievers eleven game turnaround from last season. NCAA officials re-examined the team’s recruiting practices over the past year. The investigation intensified as the month went on, even after NCAA officials and reporters told Amert that the team was virtually the same as the one that went 7-25 in 2015-16. That only served to enrage Amert.

“They used something or someone,” Amert barked at an intern. “Stunt doubles, aliens, body snatchers, the secret stuff from ‘Space Jam’, multiple versions of the monster from ‘The Thing’, but don’t tell me they were the same team!”

Many in the NCAA offices remain curious as to why Amert cares so much about the UMBC men’s basketball team. According to those in the NCAA offices, they seem to fit the mold of what the president wants in a university, despite the larger schools and sponsors raking in billions for the NCAA.

“They are a smaller, try-hard, ‘Little Engine That Could’ type school with no ‘one and done’ athletes, his dream scenario,” said one staffer who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “No one really understands what his problem is with this school.”

UMBC’s last and only NCAA Tournament appearance was in 2008, after winning the America East Tournament. The 24-9 Retrievers entered as a fifteen seed and lost in the first round to the second seeded Georgetown Hoyas. The NCAA wiped out that shining moment last year, vacating the wins from that team for recruiting actual basketball players.

Under new head coach Ryan Odom, the Retrievers blossomed into one of the best offensive teams in the country, leading them to an 18-12 regular season record. The success earned them an invitation to the College Insider Tournament, their first postseason appearance since 2008.

“Don’t think I don’t see what they’re doing,” Amert said. “I know they’re building a fancy new events center and have themselves a fancy new coach. The next thing you know, they’ll have a bunch of ‘one and done’s’ asking for a piece of the pie.”

He maintained this viewpoint despite the existence of great college programs like Xavier, Butler and Gonzaga who don’t rely on a bevy of McDonalds All-Americans or NBA prospects to maintain success. Still, Amert issued a similar warning as the one given last year.

“Stick to Backgammon,” he said. “That’s what they play right? Or was it Chinese Checkers? Monopoly? Chutes and Ladders?”

When one of the reporters corrected Amert and said the school was known for their chess prowess, he simply shrugged his shoulders and left the podium.

The post NCAA continues witchhunt against UMBC men’s basketball appeared first on The Retriever.

The most common complaint heard at UMBC is the immense amount of stairs students must climb to get to buildings like Fine Arts, Engineering and the PAHB. Students are often seen slowly trudging up the hill on the stairs, dripping in sweat and gasping for breath. In the winter months, it is not unusual to see a poor, unsuspecting student slip and fall with a thud and a piercing cry to the cold, icy ground of the steps.

Another oft-heard gripe regards the inconveniently-placed sidewalks at UMBC that cause long and indirect journeys to classes. Instead of leisurely strolling through Erickson field to get from the residential halls to classes, students are forced to embark on the long trek around the perimeter of the field that delays their arrival to class and thus their academic progress.

Given that UMBC espouses itself as a leader in innovation, it should show its true commitment to pioneering the future of technology by replacing all of the stationary sidewalks with moving walkways and installing these walkways in places that offer students more direct routes to their destinations.

Much like those found in airports, these moving walkways would get students where they need to go without the physical stress of walking and the emotional stress that comes with frustratingly-placed pathways.

To combat the many problems students face with the burdensome stairs they must climb day after day, UMBC should install a system of lifts to get students to the most extreme points on campus. Modeled after a ski lift, UMBC’s lift system and its moving walkways counterpart would alleviate the many pains that students and professors alike endure on their voyages around campus.

Yes, some might complain that establishing a system of lifts and moving walkways will encourage laziness among the student body. Others may say that the bygone sidewalks and stairs are a good way for the students to get exercise. But with walking and billiards classes counting as necessary gym credits, it is obvious that the University does not really care about students’ physical fitness.

To pay for the installation of these moving walkways and lifts, the institution should pursue solutions that will continue to ease students’ transportation woes in a financially beneficial way.

One easy way to do this would be to allow students to purchase rides from the maintenance workers who drive around campus in golf carts. Students often look longingly at them as they zoom by and would likely be more than willing to offer up a dollar or two for a ride. Along with getting to their destination more quickly, they would look cool as hell as they whiz by their peers who must simply use the moving walkways.

It is clear that UMBC must expediently address its antiquated infrastructure of sidewalks and stairs. Junior biochemistry major Rylee MacChruim said, “I just feel like such a plebe when I use normal sidewalks and stairs.” UMBC should do its best to live up to the innovative status it claims and show once and for all that it will put the needs and well-being of its students first.

The post Good-bye stationary sidewalks, hello moving walkways appeared first on The Retriever.

There have been many rumors floating around about the new petting zoo to be constructed here at UMBC. Officials have recently released information about the top-secret project to build a massive petting zoo in place of where The Commons now stands. The Commons is planned to be demolished in late April, creating space to start the project.

The petting zoo project is hailed as a stress reliever. UMBC faculty and staff have recently noticed an increased level of stress and anxiety among UMBC students, especially around mid-terms and finals. One staff member reported seeing a student feeding on grass in front of the Public Policy building before his biochem exam.

Some students have suggested bringing puppies in to pet during exam times, but one staff member decided to take this idea a bit further. Late last year, an unnamed math professor has pitched the addition of a centrally-located petting zoo the size of The Commons to assist students in relieving some of their stress.

However, the major problem encountered during the planning process was the lack of space to build new facilities. To fix this issue, faculty and staff at UMBC have decided to demolish the largest non-academic building on campus – The Commons. “Why do we need the Commons when we have True Grits?” remarked Imma Lyer, a freshman Pig Latin major. “I for one am very excited for this new addition to our campus. I mean, who doesn’t love little barn animals?”

Idon Gohere, a sophomore Satter studies major, also gave us his opinion on the matter. “I used to own a goat, until my family ended up eating him.” After a long pause, he continued, attempting to hide his ugly sobs. “Maybe this petting zoo will help me deal with some of my repressed emotions.” Many the other students interviewed gave similar responses, but did not want their quotes to be featured here for fear of retaliation from The Commons staff.

Construction is said to be complete by the fall semester. One anonymous construction worker was kind enough to tell us a little more about the project. “Well, I can’t give too much away but I’ll let you know what I can. We are planning to construct a massive open cage, with five floors. Of course there will be a pathway for students to walk through in the middle and interact with the critters,” he said. “The first floor will be smaller animals – you know, bunnies, hamsters, lambs, etc. The second floor will be reptiles – lizards, snakes and such. I can’t tell you guys much more, or I’ll lose my job.” He chuckled as he grabbed his hardhat and left.

It should be quite interesting to see how this new addition will affect the atmosphere of campus. Perhaps UMBC’s bold action will inspire other universities to follow suit.

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The Student Government Association has agreed to allocate funds to Student Life’s newest organization, Retriever in Distress: Geese Eradication Enterprise for a Safer Environment (RID:GEESE).

The club’s main focus is to address the growing issues by removing the geese from the premises. Countless students, faculty and staff have been stalked, hissed at and even attacked by these creatures. The geese have been on campus for many years (they even have a Facebook page), but recent incidents have had community members drawing the line.

RID:GEESE will meet weekly on Mondays during free hour in the University Center Plaza. They hope to remove the geese from the premises by peaceful methods, if possible. They have partnered with the visual arts department to construct student decoys, which they are hoping will lure the geese into a humane trap.

Once captured, the geese will be taken to Patapsco State Park. Facilities Management has also agreed to cooperate, saying that they will provide supplies necessary to trap and transport the geese.

While SGA typically evaluates funding at the beginning of each term, there is an “emergency collective” clause which allows groups that address an urgent need to be created mid-semester. SGA leadership fully supported the quick action, releasing a statement which concluded, “Someone needs to show these geese who is the dominant species.”

These avian pests, who typically reside and nest by the pond, pose particular challenges to the offices nearby including Undergraduate Admissions and Orientation and Financial Aid and Scholarships.

“The geese are terrorizing this campus,” said assistant dean of Admissions Angela Henderson. “I don’t want guests for our programs being stalked or having to navigate through their droppings. It’s disgusting.”

The Canada goose (Branta canadensis) lives for 10-25 years. Contrary to the name, these geese only reside in Canada for the summer breeding season. Appallingly, they permeate our landscape – from coast to coast in central the U.S. – year-round. Farther South, they gather only during the winter months. Very successful to adapting to human development, they are considered to be a pest species. Incidents of goose attacks have been well documented, particularly at other college campuses.

“I was just walking from my car in Walker Garage to the front of the library and I was attacked,” said one student who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of retaliation from goose-sympathizers. “They did that weird thing with their neck and hissed and honked at me until I was forced to back down. I had to take the long way around.”

The new organization’s biggest challenge is ensuring displaced geese do not return to campus. They are exploring the possibility of putting wire fencing around the pond to discourage the geese from gathering. However, this solution would only be temporary. Looking forward, club leadership is negotiating with an outside contractor to install a product that will likely prevent their return permanently.

The post Students stand up to depraved campus geese appeared first on The Retriever.

Do you lack a natural sense of humor? Do you want to tell jokes that will be cringe-inducing and nonsensical within the span of a month of their inception? Do you want to give the world one more reason to hate Generations Y and Z? You can do all of these now that UMBC will be adding a new major: Meme Studies. Fall 2017 will be the pilot semester for a few Meme Studies classes, such as Social Ineptitude 201 and Technology and Practices of Field Memeologists 143.

The department was proposed by none other than Freeman Hrabowski himself. Weeks ago, Hrabowski was walking through freshmen dorms, when he noticed that many of the elevator doors and bathroom stalls were marked with the phrase, “RIP Harambe.” Perplexed by what he found, Hrabowski quickly dove into the realm of internet memes and became woke. He was further inspired by Northwestern University’s recent decision to offer a Meme Studies major.

“Memes have become a language of their own and have the ability to bridge the thoughts and emotions between Millennials and… other Millennials,” said Don Aldak, who will chair the department.

The Meme Studies department will most likely located on the fourth floor of the Performing Arts and Humanities building, which is currently the home to the English department. “In the professional world, a student who graduates with a degree in Meme Studies will have the same skills and opportunities as an English major, so it is only fitting that we cram the departments together,” explained Aldak.

One Towson history professor, John Fogey, expressed his support for the teaching of Memeology at UMBC. “I’m glad to see that UMBC’s administration is embracing our younger generations and their culture. I’m down with Nyan Cat, ‘Me Gusta,’ ‘Challenge Accepted,’ all of those hip, relevant memes,” he said.

Justin Keagy, a student at AACC and supporter of memeology, said, “This new major really allows a lot of us students to cope with our lack of social skills and relevant conversation material with other generations. Honestly, I can talk memes with my frat bros for hours upon hours until I feel myself staring into the endless, black void that I have cast all of my potential, relationships and time into,” he said, eyes widening. “Sometimes I can hear my loved ones calling to me from it. But yes, memeology is something that college campuses need.” After making this statement, Keagy loudly informed me that I had been “BEANED,” and he ran away.

Mike Shriv, a sophomore biology major at UMBC, expressed his negative opinions against the Meme Studies major. “I was never a fan of memes from the start. I know real humor. I know real culture. I watch SNL. If I see one more ‘Wot In Tarnation?’ meme on my Facebook feed, I’ll probably write an angry entry on my blog. ‘Wot’ isn’t even a word. Imbeciles,” Shriv said. Shriv then asked us to write a plug for his daily college podcast, but we kindly informed him that no one listens to podcasts.

Whether or not you support the study of memes, it may be here to stay at UMBC. Memes have become intrinsically woven into the fiber of not only Internet culture, but first world social culture as well. Jen Mayer, a linguistics researcher at UMBC, noted, “Memes are the next logical step in the evolution of information and communication. We have grown so far from real human experience and into abstraction that we find a man sprinkling salt funny. The human race prides itself on inventions such as the wheel, medicine, electricity, automobiles and the Internet. I suppose it’s time that we throw memes into the mix.”

The post UMBC offers meme degree, world weeps appeared first on The Retriever.

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With the number of executive orders President Trump is signing, it is increasingly difficult to figure out which policies directly affect UMBC and its students. One such policy allowing supervillains to attack up-and-coming successful universities is slated to be passed on April 1.

This policy comes in response to the danger of widespread intelligence in the general population. Studies conducted in 2016 have shown that “high levels of knowledge” lead to “increased amount of violence, chaos and unhappiness” in individuals. The study states that learning could lead to high-intelligence-related comas and depression.  

Frighteningly, UMBC fits the target criteria the executive order has set forth. This includes motivated professors, academically-focused students and a healthy, nurturing environment for learning. Tutorial centers are said to be targeted first, followed by the library and individual classrooms.

Many UMBC students are in a state of panic, fearing that their academic careers might come to an end. “I just want to get a biomedical degree that I’ll never use because I really want to be an actor but my parents want me to be a doctor so I’ll drop out of med school to move to L.A. and be left with thousands of dollars in student debt,” said Chuck Hilfmir, a freshman biology major. “Is that too much to ask?”

At this point in time, the only thing students and staff can do is band together to seek out every superhero they know to protect UMBC. A research study conducted in 2014 found that there was a positive correlation between being a superhero and winning battles. This means that having superheroes on UMBC campus will possibly guarantee that UMBC survives the heinous acts that the supervillains will most definitely commit.

Supervillains from both Marvel and DC Comics are ecstatic about finally having something to do. “I’ve been so bored, carving smiles into Batman action figures,” said Joker, arch-nemesis to Batman, “Now I can finally listen to the voices in my head and do some real damage.”

Otto Octavius, a nemesis of Spider-Man, was also thrilled about the news. “I could do so much. I mean I have the power of the sun in the palm of my hand!” he stated when asked how much damage he can do to one university.

Their arch-rivals, Marvel and DC Comics superheroes, are less pleased with the policy. “I have to put on that that 100 percent spandex suit again?” said Superman. “It’s been so long – I don’t think I can even fit in it with this beer gut.” Despite his reluctance, Superman has become the first to agree to protect the university.

President Trump and his cabinet have been giving statements to explain the policy and its criteria since the executive order was signed. “True knowledge is amazing, but it is very, very dangerous,” Trump said during an interview, “And because it is such a dangerous muchacho, only I can have it because I know how to handle it.”

Despite the President’s comments, students are hopeful that UMBC will survive through these dark times. But this will not come easy, as many superheroes are choosing to protect younger and more popular universities, such as the University of California, Irvine. Students need to lead a united campaign to advertise UMBC as a school that deserves preservation, so that this beloved university is not destroyed forever by power hungry supervillains and their new overlord.

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