UMBC students please look out for a survey that will be up by tonight which will give you a chance to work with a Fitness Ambassador for the Pilot Program! Please note that for the Pilot Program we will only be selecting a few students to test out the program!
It is our hope that the Program will fully launch in Fall 2015 in a much larger capacity!

Facilities management releases a statement: “Let’s just call it done.”

In a recent campus planning session, top facilities personnel concluded that they wanted to put the whole library pond project behind them.

Students who miss the ambience of the library pond might be in luck, as a recent administrative decision will hasten the end of construction — sort of.

On Wednesday, campus spokesperson Dana “Da Beast” Jones announced that the library pond construction project had progressed “as far as it was going to.”

“After substantial deliberation we have decided that the pond is as good as it’s going to get,” Jones said, to the cheers of all involved.

The pond, which has been under renovation since its closure last fall, is currently an 18-foot hole, bordered by tall construction fences. The final stage of the project will remove the construction fences, although some of the smaller concrete barriers will remain.

“Students will be able to sit on the barriers, stare into the muddy depths of the library hole and contemplate the directions their lives are heading in,” Jones said.

The new pond-hole is expected to further distinguish UMBC as a unique up and coming honors university.

“Many campuses have library ponds, and many more campuses have ponds in general. Tell me though, how many campuses have massive library holes?” said Jones, beaming with institutional pride.

UMBC will pay the current contractors to keep a backhoe and a dump truck at the site. In keeping with the construction theme of the rest of campus, the machinery will intermittently reverse loudly and block walkway access.

Student reactions to the announcement have been mostly positive.

Stephen Tablelegs, a senior balloon artistry major, is glad that UMBC is retaining the construction equipment.

“It just wouldn’t be the same without the constant beeping and drilling. I hear it in my dreams,” said Tablelegs.

Sarah Bob, who doesn’t even go here, said, “I found a skull down there the other day, so that was pretty cool I guess.”

Some students have raised concerns about the fish and fowl that previously called the pond home, but Jones was quick to ease fears.

“Think voles, not geese,” said Jones.

The pond is expected to also become a booming habitat for various grub and diplopoda.

Construction on the project was previously halted after the university failed to acquire the proper permits.

“Nobody was sure if it was a pond, an estuary, a reservoir or what. Well guess what, now it’s just a hole,” said Jones.

Jones even raised the possibility of holding Quadmania in the new library hole.

Jones was enthusiastic about the possibility of more holes as well.

“The campus entrance way project comes to mind, but the holes there aren’t quite deep enough yet to make a formal decision.”

Read more stories from: The Retriever Weekly

Team HueBotics, a video-game development team at UMBC, is among the final four student teams competing to represent the U.S. in the Games division of the 2015 Microsoft Imagine World Cup competition. The teammates are (l. to r.) Jasmin Martin, Erika Shumacher, Tad Cordle, and Michael Leung. Source: Nicolas Deroin

Competitive parkers practice for the tournament

UMBC’s parking team has begun their practice sessions for the season. The competition, in which drivers are judged on their ability to park, is fierce.

It’s all quiet at the finish line. It’s starting to warm up, but the small crowd of spectators is huddled around a small fire, where they’re grilling hot dogs. There are about 15 people, a big group for one of the early practices of the season. These dedicated few are cold and wet, but ready for action.

One of them drops his hot dog and perks up, pointing his ear up the hill. He’s wearing a beer hat with no beer in it. The faint whine of turbocharged engines echoes off the crumbling pavement, and everything goes silent except for the barbeque grill. As the engines grow louder and closer, the excitement builds. Someone pulls out a foam finger.

The first driver comes around the sweeping curve of Hilltop Circle. He’s going a reckless 26 miles per hour. As the rusty green Toyota roars down the hill, the crowd cheers. The driver pulls into a spot, pulls the parking brake with a click, steps out of his car and kisses the ground. He’s victorious — but this is just training.

Today’s winner is junior turf management major Dick Hooter. It’s his first year competing with the UMBC parking team, but he’s jumped right in as one of the strongest drivers.

In its tenth year on campus, the Retriever Parkers have attracted almost a dozen interested students. Each year, starting in the spring sports season, the team holds what they call “parking races.”

“We all start at the same house in Jessup,” said Hooter, “and whoever gets to school first and finds a parking spot takes home the trophy.”

A glance at the team’s textbook-sized rulebook reveals that it’s not quite so simple. Everything from gas mileage, time, respect of the speed limit and proximity of the parking space to the University Center affects a driver’s score. At the core of campus, the University Center is hardest to park near, presenting an exciting challenge for our competitors.

“One year, I got lucky,” said senior astrology student Sherman Hall. “The entryway to admin road was open and I pulled up right behind the UC. The judges weren’t too happy, but I’m kind of a bad boy,” he said, as he tried to sit on his front bumper and missed entirely.

“That year was a great year. I had the JDM ultralight parking brake,” said Hall. “Strongest brake cable around. Really helped my times when I was pulling in.”

This season promises to be just as exciting. With new competitors, new cars and new construction obstacles on campus, the Retriever Parkers have their work cut out for them. To the rest of the community, they just have a few simple words, which they each emblazon on a bumper sticker: “watch where you park your ass.”

Photo: James Gallagher

Read more stories from: The Retriever Weekly

Leaked Ganesh nude photos make it to AOK Gallery

Recently, nude photos of Student Government Association President Ganesh Mysore were leaked. These photos, which have quickly become a focal point of the UMBC community, are currently being shown in the AOK Gallery.

The decision to exhibit the photos was made in light of university president Dr. Freeman Hrabowski III’s recent emphasis on students fully knowing their representatives. Students in the visual arts department aided in enlarging the photos.

The gallery walls have been painted a tan orange to compliment Mysore’s lustrous light brown skin and, in combination with the dim lighting, create a sensual mood. The photos have been blown up to about 4 feet in length, and are carefully aligned in perfect rows.

The photos on display in the gallery were taken from several different angles, thus depicting Mysore’s several prominent vantages. Some photos show his sculpted six-pack abs, oiled up and glistening, while other pictures show his toned booty. Still others show the viewer that he is really packing below the belt.

As could be predicted, the exhibit has drawn a primarily female crowd, who were rather impressed with the physique of their SGA president. “He has some really nice assets, if you know what I mean,” said Rachel Smith, a sophomore English major, in regards to one particular picture that highlighted Mysore’s toned backside.

“I’d rub oil down those abs anyday,” said Alexis Shipman, a junior media and communications major.

Tom Beck, the gallery’s curator, said that this exhibit has brought in the largest audience the gallery has had in years. “Ganesh was in here a few days ago giving a talk specifically on the photo where he has a python wrapped around his midsection and is holding the snake’s head in his hand. The turnout was huge. Standing room only.”

At first, Mysore was reluctant to give the talk and was even upset about the invasion of his privacy. However, once he noticed that his popularity had skyrocketed, he was quick to change his mind.

“Initially I thought this was a problem, but it turned out to be a positive. It’s been advantageous for my administration. Also, my luck with the ladies has gone through the roof. As for any guy students that have a problem with this, all I can tell them is to hit the gym,” said Mysore.

Perhaps the most surprising element of the photo leak is that it turned out not to be scandalous, but something that both the UMBC community and Mysore have embraced. If one has that fabulous of a body, why not show it off?

“I’m currently in talks with Mr. Beck to set up a live-action display of myself in the nude for one day only. Might as well give the people what they want,” said Mysore.

Read more stories from: The Retriever Weekly