By: Margot Anthony | WGEC Student Staff Member | Social Work Student
This is going to be a continuation from my last blog post “Beginning Again.” Since creating that post I have worked to become more comfortable in my identity as a survivor of gender-based harm, specifically sexual assault.
Writing my first blog post in November and December was both emotional and cathartic. It was very emotional for me because it was a story that I had not told many people before, and definitely had not shared publicly. Writing the post was also cathartic. The feelings that I shared in the post and experience had been weighing on me heavily, and it was a relief to share it, especially being able to share it on my own terms.
After sharing my blog post I felt more calm and at peace than I had in a while. I felt like I had reclaimed something I didn’t even know I had lost. Everything that had happened to me, I had survived. And in making the post, I now realized that I had reclaimed my story.
It was after writing my blog post last semester that I decided I wanted to speak at Take Back the Night. While preparing what I was going to say during Take Back the Night I was practicing over and over.
Writing.
Re-writing.
Over and over again.
On the day of Take Back the Night, when I got up to the microphone, I was so nervous. I hadn’t realized how different it would be verbally telling my story as opposed to writing it out and sharing it. I felt like I was shaking and I wanted to floor to just swallow me whole.
I got through it. I felt like I blacked out the whole time and don’t remember most of what happened or really what I said, but I did it. What I do remember is feeling supported by those around me when I had finished speaking. Sharing my story was an amazing experience and very freeing for me.
What impacted me the most at Take Back the Night, were the people that shared after me. Not just the people who were planning to share their stories. The people who got up and shared when they were just planning to observe. Their bravery, strength, and willingness to be vulnerable inspired me.
I planned what I was going to say for months and still almost didn’t say anything. What I never considered in sharing my story, is that it would help other people share their stories as well.
What I want people to take away from this blog post and my previous post, is that there are people who will support and believe you wholeheartedly and you do not have to go through everything alone. You are stronger than you think and you have more support than you know.
I will finish off this post with the quote that I read out during Take Back the Night:
Everyone loves a survivor once [they’re] quiet. Once [they’re] soft, polite, healed. But bring up what actually happened? Talk about the abuse, the manipulation, the betrayal? Suddenly you’re too much. Bitter. Angry. Suddenly you’re the problem. The truth is – they don’t want survivors. They want silence with a pretty filter. They want your pain digestible. Not loud. Not real. So when I speak? I do it loudly. Clearly. Unapologetically. Because I wasn’t put back together just to keep everyone else comfortable. – Zenda-Lee Williams.